Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

 why does it feel so good to do this??  =( it’s just so unfair that it relieves so much tension… I had a stressful day… and sometimes, I just really  can’t stop it… but by the time the tension has gone away.. I’m in trance mode and can’t stop even though I want to.I keep trying to make myself be aware of the reality of the situation…. this is my own hair… that is on my head for a reason, and I am tearing it out and causing severe damage to my scalp!   But somehow, it just doesn’t want to register like that, all I can think of is ‘oooh that feels good, oh, that one was even better.  maybe there’s another follicle to bite now!’   It’s like repeating a word over and over again until all of a sudden, it just looses meaning… all you can focus on is the sound, and not the word anymore.  But the reality is this:  What I’m doing is disgusting!!  Imagine if anyone ever could see me like this, while I’m this bad?  There’s hair sticking all over me,  piles of HAIR that just came from my head,  there’s strands of it everwhere, all over my bed, I’m SLEEPING in it. arrrrggg =(I have to wear a bandana now to cover up the huge bald area on the top of my head now.  I can’t even wrap the extensions around my head to cover it completely anymore, this is really bad heh.  I should probably take a picture to illustrate just how bad.  It’s def as bad as it was a couple years ago, when I first got some extensions put in, and then had to shave my head for awhile again after, because I just couldn’t be responsible enough to DESERVE hair.thank goodness help will be on the way soon.  the trip to the salon went well the other day, but now I have to go to a seperate branch of the salon on Tuesday.   because the spot on top is so bad, I have to have a fake hair piece - it looks like a partial wig - sewn into my hair first,  (if I can MAKE it that long without pulling out even more, that is!  =(   It needs SOME hair on the sides to anchor on to, and now that’s dissapearing with each passing day…) at the first salon, and then go to their other location, to get the extensions put in afterwards.   All this is going to cost me about $350  (the fake hair piece system is $250) plus the extensions.  and I’ll have to go back every month and spend another $120ish or something like that to get everything re-positioned.I don’t even know how much money I’ve spent because of trich anymore, but it’s in the thousands, including solutions to hide it and some therapy that did or did not work.  I haven’t had cash to see a homeopath yet (frankly, I’m not entirely sure that I can really afford this round of hair stuff, so I think some of it’s gonna have to go on a credit card… eek..) and at this point I’m wondering if I should try to go back on any medication.  I’d really rather not do that but the last couple of years it’s the worst it’s ever been in all 12 years, and… I would really like to actually get a grip on it….oh, and as a side note, apparently I have to grow my right thumb and forefingers’ acrylic nails again, as I have not had a full left eyebrow in 2 weeks now.  I guess I can’t handle the responsibility of having short nails again, either.blah.  well, wish me luck at the second salon this week!    (ps… I don’t know what’s up with the lack of line breaks in wordpress all of a sudden, how irritating..!  Hope to get that figured out soon)

Tags: pulling in bed, follicle obsession, follicles, follicle biting, acrylic nails, pulled all day, pull diary, wigs, pulling eyebrows, relapse, ttm, trich, medication, hair extensions, trichotillomania, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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had some tension-free periods of time there for a bit but two things of note..

a few days ago, the hard acrylic nail chipped on one of my thumbnails, exposing the real nail.    I was able to ignore this for a couple days, knowing that I’d be back to get my nails done sometime in the next week - but I started to chew on the nail after a couple of days.  I bit the nail pretty far down… certainly the shortest it’s been in a very long time.     and then…  I started tugging at my left eyebrow.     There’s a very big bald patch in it now.   That is the first time that I’ve pulled my eyebrows in like 6 months or so  =(  …. (since I’ve been getting the acrylic nails) …so, guess I won’t be taking the acrylic nails off anytime soon.  Not only did I bite the nail down but I proceeded to yank out my nice full eyebrow, which has been allowed to grow in for the first time in years.  luckily I was able to stop before I started on the right brow.     guess that proves my wishful thinking wrong - I was just starting to think to myself,  ’wow, maybe I can stop having this done soon and have my regular nails again.’

nope. 

today I pulled after a long, productive and generally cleansing day around the house (I thoroughly cleaned my bedroom, and got the roommates to help me clean the ENTIRE apartment, cleaner than it’s ever been before… QUITE the accomplishment living with 3 college dudes…)  but, I let myself keep going for awhile, simply because I felt like I’d earned a little bit of a break.  and plus, it was so extremely relaxing….. I really felt like the rest of my leftover tension just floated into the air… it was definitely theraputic..of course then, however, I couldn’t stop at just 10-20 minutes of pulling,  I went for about 2 hours.  Just now I finally put a bandana over my (now almost entirely bald on top)  head.   Only 10 more days until I see Rae from Hair Alchemy again and see what she can do to help me.  She did a great job last time, but much of my hair was too short to be put into the extensions.  That hair happened to be all the hair on my crown that is now 95% gone…    but, there’s a little tiny bit more than there was last time, so hopefully a couple of new strands will make a difference. well that’s it for now.  and thanks for the comments…  reminds me that I’m not alone  :) 

Tags: pulling eyebrows, crown, nail biting, pulling in bed, pull diary, acrylic nails, bald spots, pulling from scalp, ttm, trich, hair extensions, hair alchemy, trichotillomania, eyebrows by Isis
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I think that writing it down in here every day has been helping me quite a bit!  Last night at my computer, there were at least 8 times where I felt my hand go up and start to touch the strands, searching for the right one… but I was able to stop myself by thinking,  “but if you pull them now, you won’t be able to write that you’re pull-free anymore, and the day is alllmost over!”

and it totally worked!  =D

yayyyy.   hehe.

oh yeah, and did I mention?!  that I am sooo happy to have MY OWN eyebrows again?   thank you , acrylic nails!!  omg :]

that is all.  I still have to post pix and stuff.  I will as soon as I have time.   nightz.

Tags: 3rd day pull free, pull-free day, pull diary, acrylic nails, eyebrows by Isis
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in early February I was ecstatic.  I decided to try acrylic nails in hopes they would be a deterrant of the pulling.  And they worked wonderfully at first.  I wasn’t able to pull out a single hair for over 3 weeks!   I’ve had the acrylic nails for over a month now, and my eyebrows are fully grown back!  I haven’t been able to touch them at all.  so, I finally have my eyebrows back.  =)   It is SO nice not to have to worry about drawing them in everyday, or if I’ve done it evenly, or if they’re starting to smudge off…   no more!!

my hair, however, sadly went back to it’s normal state after it became too long for the fake nails to be of use.  While my hair was very short, I wasn’t able to get a good grip on the strands, but now that it’s over 3 inches long, I can get enough of a grasp on the strands to pull them out again.   Yes, it is still harder to do so, but it’s possible again.  So, sadly this wasn’t a cure-all for my hair…   but I would DEFINETELY recommend trying it.  Both to men and women.  Especially men, because I’m not sure what else a man could try, and I know how much harder it is to conceal spots when you have very short hair.   The way I did this was to get my thumb and forefinger set up with much longer nails (twice as long as usual) so that I couldn’t grip them together.  (A little out of the ordinary, and took getting used to, but SO very worth it.)

While I was getting them done, the lady asked if I played guitar.  I do happen to play guitar, so I said yes, but apparently she’s seen lots of MEN get acrylic nails only on their thumb and fore fingers for the purpose of guitar playing!  So, men… if you want to try this but feel awkward about it, simply say that you’re a guitar player!   I really think that this could help you a lot.  It worked incredbly well for me when my hair was very short.  I was so happy.  Not to mention, I have a nice full set of nails all the time now, instead of having NO nails from biting them.  And my real nails are growing long underneath them, so whenever I decide to stop doing the acrylics, I’ll have a nice long set of my own nails again!

In the meantime, the spot I posted before has about tripled in size (well, it was all the way back in January that I posted the pics, so it could be a lot worse and usually would be by now, if not for the acrylic nails…)  I have another large spot on the right side of my head… in it’s usual spot.   I’ve been using black permanant hair dye on my scalp to cover up the glaring white skin.  This has been working well 95% of the time (the only one who noticed was my significant other , but it’s really rather impossible to hide this stuff from him all the time…) and most people don’t even notice the bald spots or look at me long enough to realize there’s a big spot of black all over my scalp.  and I mean… it’s really large now.  I’ll post an updated photo soon.

A few days actually I pulled so long and so hard that my scalp was extremely sore for days  =(   I’ve been sitting in front of my l.e.d light hoping it will help to fix some of the awful damage I caused.

Later this month I am going back to chicago to see Rae from Hair Alchemy.  I’m so excited!!  we’re going to try a different type of hair extension this time, just regular synthetic hair as opposed to the wool strands I got before to keep my head warm (which worked very nicely, and were really cute too!)   I’m going to get mostly black, with some pink mixed in.  She also said it shouldn’t be too much of a problem to concel the large spots I have now, even though the big one is partially right in the middle of my crown.  She’ll be able to thread the hair a certain way to cover it!  I can’t wait!   That’s going to happen in just 9 more days  =)

I really hope I can try to control myself a bit before then, because I’ve really been loosing control again since I’ve been able to pull the hair strands again.  I didn’t have this spot on the right side a week ago and it’s very big now =/

anyways, that’s it for now, but I leave you men and women with the following recommendations:

- try acrylic nails!!! they take some getting used to, but  they WILL help as a deterrant!!
- use permanant black (or brown) dye on your scalp if you have dark hair, to conceal your bald spots.  you will need to reapply it frequently but it really does a great job concealing your spots, you will feel so much better!!

xoxo,
Isis

Tags: sore, pulling in bed, l.e.d. light healing, pulling at desk, acrylic nails, tips, hair dye, nail biting, bald spots, hair extensions, ttm, hair alchemy, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, pulling, trich by Isis
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