Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

Last night was the second hypnotherapy session for my trich. I was a little discouraged for the last few days since the
pulling urges came back pretty much full-force. The first several days after the last treatment worked wonderfully,
and I was able to resist almost all of my urges. It went great for about half a week, but then suddenly I just lost it =/
Yesterday I talked with Dr. Schwartz for most of the session and he reminded me that although I get a great deal of
pleasure when pulling, that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing, since it is damaging to me. He then pointed out that
pleasure can be derived from many activities that are harmful- some people get off on raping and hurting others,
for example. One of the universe’s laws is “do no harm” and that by harming myself, I am doing wrong. I asked him to
suggest during the hypnosis that the pulling be more painful, since one of the problems that keeps me from
continuing to pull is that, in most spots, not only does it not feel painful to pull, but it actually feels good. So,
that’s what he did. He described the act itself in graphic detail as tearing, ripping, pulling the skin, etc.. it made
me grimace as he described it. Later, I walked back to my clearing, with the purple chair, and there was a little
kitten running around that was following me as if it had something to learn from me, because I am “the great teacher”
now. He also told me to imagine the bumblebee from before, transforming into a beautiful butterfly to represent
the change that I am going through.

I felt good afterwards, but I think I was in a deeper state the first time around. I’m not sure why that is, but
nonetheless, I have the tape that was recorded during the session, along with the tape from the first session, and he
suggested that I listen to them frequently, and I think I will do just that.

I’m very interested to see if the pain has increased but I haven’t pulled yet so I’m not sure. Hopefully I’ll be able
to make it for longer, this time. *crosses fingers*

I kinda gave up on the diet tracking.. I eat somewhat healthily most of the time, so I really don’t think that I
have excess sugar, caffeine, MSG, etc, to blame for increased pulling.

Welp, guess that’s it for now- wish me luck! Adios!

Tags: hypnosis, alternative healing, no harm, diet, hypnotherapy, ttm, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
No Comments »

as I mentioned in the last entry, I decided to try and give hypnotic therapy a shot. well, the visit was very
interesting. I was indeed successfully hypnotised, although it took awhile to get to that point. I did not seem to
recall many memories as to what may have started the behavior. But, with the help of the hypnotist, he was able
to ask me questions and get in touch with the part of my psyche that does this. It was very interesting indeed, to
be able to “talk” to this entity. It is different for everyone, but in my case, it took the form of a hyperactive
bumblebee with devil horns and a tail. heh. He instructed me to talk with the bumblebee, who said she had a lot of
energy and liked to cause problems. It also said it was 12 years old. I really am not sure what happened 12 years ago,
and after thinking about it for awhile yesterday, realized I was fresh into Junior High at that point… maybe I was
struggling with the adaption to the new environment..? He used the terms elven, and mischevious when describing the
entity and that struck me as being very accurate. He tried to speak rationally with the entity and told it that it was
causing me harm… destroying my natural beauty, and that I am now a young woman whos life is being disrupted. He told
me to ask for it’s permission in stopping the behaviour… and after some resistance from the bumblebee… and more
pushing from the hypnotist, it agreed. I hugged the bumblebee, and returned to my plush, purple chair in my
field… and then walked up the white staircase, and back into full conciousness. Boy was I tired after that! I
stretched hugely in the chair after coming to.

I did feel a little more optimistic afterwards, and tried to look at things a little differently… rather than yelling
at myself when I pull and being angry about it, it’s like I’m talking to a small child and telling it to stop it’s
harmful behavior. Although the urges have remained completely intact, yesterday was a fairly pull-free day
(under 20 hairs), although this evening has been considerably more, but I am so tired after partying too hard
last night (and I lost one of my absolute favorite hair falls… I have never been as sad to loose a material
posession in a very long time… they were my FAVORITE falls…. pink, black, and red yarn with pink plastic
pieces… custom made for me, cost like $70 2 years ago and I’d only wear them mostly on very special occasions… not
even sure if the person who made them is still around anymore… I wore 1 of them last night to cover the huge
bald spot visible from the back…gone forever now…=( *huge sigh*….) that I’m not even really trying to stop
myself… although, it’s been almost 2 hours since I started pulling so I should probably try a little bit harder now…

my next appointment is on Monday the 11th. I hope it goes well.

Tags: bald spots, no harm, alternative healing, hypnosis, hypnotherapy by Isis
No Comments »

hmm already losing track of the diet stuff… umm, lemme try and think what I’ve eaten the last few days… last night
was some elio’s frozen pizza… some cereal… a cinnamon muffin, no caffinated beverages..

day before, had a chicken sub at Quiznos and some passion fruit (non caffinated) tea… don’t remember what else…
argh. I gotta try and be better about this!

Very exciting news, though….
I went to a hypnotist yesterday! I will have to write about that a little bit later though. today’s been my first day
off in a long while and I have a ton of errands to catch up on.

Tags: alternative healing, diet, hypnotherapy by Isis
No Comments »

This was my FIRST entry on sanitywarp.org:

I have decided to better document my ongoing struggle with trichotillomania… and I decided to do it somewhat
publically so that others out there with this problem will know that they are not alone. When I first developed this
devastating disorder, I did not know why I started doing this to myself, and it wasn’t until years later (after
reading information and going to a seminar with my Mom) that I found out that approximately 2% of the entire population has trichotillomania. This number is small in comparison to the other 98% of the population, but HUGE in terms of understanding that there are LOTS of other people out there who have it! Still though, in my entire lifetime, I have only come across 1 other person that I personally knew to have this disorder; a friend’s husband who pulls at his
beard and head. I am sure at some point I must have crossed paths with more, but since it is often easy to hide
(especially with longer hair that can be tied up to cover missing patches of hair), sadly I have never truly connected
with anyone else about TTM yet.

I am now 25 and I have been struggling with this for almomt half of my lifetime. I’ve tried so many different things,
and I have most recently decided to try persciption medication as somewhat of a last resort. I am also going to
try finding a good hypnotherapist as another desperate attempt to help me stop doing this, but I have begun to
think lately that perhaps nothing will ever truly help in the end… at this point, I’ve had it for so long, how COULD
something like a perscription drug, or a hypnotist correct behavior that is over a decade old??

My head is sore from all of the pulling today. I’ve been going pretty nonstop since about 11am this morning, when I
got to work. I must have pulled out hundreds of strands by now, 7:30pm, and I am still doing it now. The whole top of
my head is bare or filling in with wispy hairs from previous episodes, and I’m starting to feel like I just won’t stop
until there is nothing left to pull =( I am getting very depressed about this yet I can’t stop doing it. I do not
think that the dulexodine has helped at all yet, although it has helped some of my (mild) OCD symptoms, which has been
nice. It has been almost 2 months on 60mg dosage (was taking 120 for awhile but I think the switch happened too
fast, as my body did not react well to it at all, resulting in me going back down to 60mg).

I really should get up and do some of the cleaning I meant to start on 3 hours ago. yet again has my time been stolen
away from me while I sit in a trance…

I was contemplating cutting the tips of my forefinger and thumb with a razorblade today…. so that I would not be
able to pull… I am starting to think it might be worth a shot…

le sigh.. =(

Tags: depression, ocd, alternative healing, hypnotherapy, seminar, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, medication by Isis
1 Comment »