Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

it feels at the moment almost like I’m even more anxious than before.  Small things are setting me off and making my heart pound.  Getting irritated this morning over something was suddenly feeling very extreme.

something frightening happened on my way to work in the afternoon.  A friend was driving me, and we were in a rush since I was on the late side.  He was going maybe 40 miles an hour?  The road is sort of a freeway - but there was a light, turning yellow ahead of us.  I felt like we were SPEEDING towards this light that was going to be red by the time we went through it.  I thought, “we’re never going to make it!!”  and suddenly the stress and anxiety of this felt SO horrible and uncomfortable that I felt this weird, strong jolt/shudder through my entire body and I felt my hands clamp down the arms of the seat as if I were going to fly out of it.  It was *almost* similar to the feeling one gets on a roller coaster the minute it starts to drop down.  It was NOT cool at all.  VERY unpleasant… and scared the living shit out of me.  I felt for a moment like I’d die!
Can’t imagine that was very good for my mind.. or body.. =/

Then I remembered that I’ve gotten these jolts before.. .and I think it was during another time I was on an SSRI, although I’m not 100% sure on that. But it was always when in a car and stressed out.  (I have fairly moderate anxiety when driving or being a passenger in the city, due to a number of accidents I’ve been in)

I hope this isn’t gonna continue =/   I know it’s still very early and the first couple of weeks are unpleasant.   I really hope the good will eventually outweigh the bad.

Tags: anti-depressants, welbutrin, SSRI's, anxiety, medication, side effects, stress by Isis
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man.  So I’ve had a better week with the hair pulling… however, while writing an email just now, and laying in bed (another trigger.. .I probably should have been more cautious about this even just due to those 2 factors…) I was stressing out over the situation… and barely even noticing that I was steadily pulling at my right eyebrow this entire time.  Now… 20 minutes later… the email is written, and sent.  And I am missing almost my entire eyebrow.  =(On a regular basis I often think to myself, “It’s ok. At least I’ve had my eyebrows for a long time.”  Eyebrows used to be a big problem for me…I hardly ever had full brows a year or two ago.  I was constantly worrying about the drawn in eyebrows coming off in situations.  Especially around my boyfriend.  Now I’m going to see my boyfriend tomorrow for the first time in awhile.  Spend the night… and be all worried about my one eyebrow smudging off, the whole time…into the night, and the morning.  Now I have to carry around an eye pencil again and worry about putting on makeup for the next month until it grows back.  =(  The next MONTH!   And I’m going on a vacation in 2 weeks with a friend… where we’ll be swimming… thank god this is a trusted friend who knows about my problem… so I don’t have to be as worried… but still… it looks awful……….. I look diseased again =(This just shows how dangerous and aggressive pulling can be when it’s a secondary action… my main action was writing the email, but there was stress involved, on top of a trigger situation… and I wasn’t able to work hard at resisting…. and it just happened so fast… now the aftermath is going to last for a long time.  =(   Blahhh.  After I had such a decent week with the other hairpulling…This is the first time in I can’t even remember how long since I’ve had missing eyebrows…. dammit…  I hope I can hold onto the other one and that isn’t the next target…..

Tags: restlessness, pulling in bed, embarrassment, anxiety, pulling eyebrows, relapse, stress, side effects, trichotillomania, eyebrows by Isis
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The streak is over.  Actually, it ended the day after I made my last post, sadly enough.   A combination of things … environment, bored/restlessness … and I succumbed.  There have been a few bad days since then.  Usually triggered by stress or in one case, anger.  I’m getting the extensions put back in later this week sometime.  I was so happy about the thickness of my hair, but I’ve already made a few thin spots on the sides again…. c’est la vie.  At least I made it about two weeks this time.  That’s an improvement over the last time, which was about a week pull-free … several months back… the key seems to be to abstain as long as possible… once you’re back into it… you’re back into it and it’s really hard to stop.  So… hopefully… better luck next time around…  now, if I can just get it stabilized again before too much time passes…

Tags: bald spots, relapse, anxiety, pulling from scalp, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, stress by Isis
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well, it’s been a month now since I started cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).I am sad to say that I don’t see much of a difference yet.  My awareness has been increased a bit, but it has gotten no easier to stop the behavior, despite coming up with a list of incompatible behaviors (putting a hat or gloves on, clasping hands, moving around, etc) … the urge is just too strong for any of that to work.

so, I am taking the plunge and trying medication to go along with the CBT, which is the most successful way of going about this…….I am not sure which medication will be tried first, but I am sure there will be a period of unpleasant trial and error, and I’m sure I’m not going to like the side effects of whatever SSRI I am taking… but… at this point, I am willing to sacrifice other things (like my sexual functionality, which is what the Cymbalta / Duloxetine messed with when I tried it, and the main reason I stopped taking it) to try and conquer this…  if there’s any time to really try medication again, it’s right now.. I seem to have no other choice.  It’s becoming incredibly difficult and frustrating to hide my scalp, which is at least 50% bare, especially from my significant other.  It actually distresses me quite a lot when he wants to spend the night with me now, because it’s extremely uncomfortable to sleep with clip-on extensions (they pull at the hair I do have, making my scalp very sore in the morning)  aside from the fact that the hair is all gross and poor quality now because of sleeping on it so often.  I like seeing him but I find myself wishing he didn’t call me so much, just because of the hair thing…  *sigh* I should be happy to spend time with him =(

I had a massive session just now while writing a final paper for school.  It was just awful… I couldn’t stop.  I even pulled my pubic hair (after I tried putting on a hat, the trich monster just moved along somewhere else) for over 20 minutes which is something I haven’t done in a REALLY long time.  :(

I did dye my roots last night in hopes I won’t get stuck in the mirror pulling all my numerous amounts of grays anymore….

I really hope I can get better.  :(

I will update as things progress..

Tags: school stress, pulling at night, pulling at desk, follicle biting, peer pressure, embarrassment, mgh trich clinic boston, pubic area, significant other, anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, treatmeant, restlessness, white hair, trich, ttm, medication, stress, cymbalta, hair extensions, trichotillomania, bald spots, crown, pulling from scalp, pulling, depression, duloxetine by Isis
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