Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

had some tension-free periods of time there for a bit but two things of note..

a few days ago, the hard acrylic nail chipped on one of my thumbnails, exposing the real nail.    I was able to ignore this for a couple days, knowing that I’d be back to get my nails done sometime in the next week - but I started to chew on the nail after a couple of days.  I bit the nail pretty far down… certainly the shortest it’s been in a very long time.     and then…  I started tugging at my left eyebrow.     There’s a very big bald patch in it now.   That is the first time that I’ve pulled my eyebrows in like 6 months or so  =(  …. (since I’ve been getting the acrylic nails) …so, guess I won’t be taking the acrylic nails off anytime soon.  Not only did I bite the nail down but I proceeded to yank out my nice full eyebrow, which has been allowed to grow in for the first time in years.  luckily I was able to stop before I started on the right brow.     guess that proves my wishful thinking wrong - I was just starting to think to myself,  ’wow, maybe I can stop having this done soon and have my regular nails again.’

nope. 

today I pulled after a long, productive and generally cleansing day around the house (I thoroughly cleaned my bedroom, and got the roommates to help me clean the ENTIRE apartment, cleaner than it’s ever been before… QUITE the accomplishment living with 3 college dudes…)  but, I let myself keep going for awhile, simply because I felt like I’d earned a little bit of a break.  and plus, it was so extremely relaxing….. I really felt like the rest of my leftover tension just floated into the air… it was definitely theraputic..of course then, however, I couldn’t stop at just 10-20 minutes of pulling,  I went for about 2 hours.  Just now I finally put a bandana over my (now almost entirely bald on top)  head.   Only 10 more days until I see Rae from Hair Alchemy again and see what she can do to help me.  She did a great job last time, but much of my hair was too short to be put into the extensions.  That hair happened to be all the hair on my crown that is now 95% gone…    but, there’s a little tiny bit more than there was last time, so hopefully a couple of new strands will make a difference. well that’s it for now.  and thanks for the comments…  reminds me that I’m not alone  :) 

Tags: pulling eyebrows, crown, nail biting, pulling in bed, pull diary, acrylic nails, bald spots, pulling from scalp, ttm, trich, hair extensions, hair alchemy, trichotillomania, eyebrows by Isis
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I had a couple of PF days since I was pretty much around my bf for those couple days, and wasn’t all that bored,  but today… I have pulled ALL.  DAY.  =((   like… 12 hours  =(   even in the car, while driving!!   I’m going to get in an accident if I don’t get that under control  =(    all started from looking at those STUPID white hairs that I have so many of now…  I really am going to have to try and understand that I have to stop letting them bother me, cuz they’re not going to go away!!  I just have to continously dye them so this doesn’t keep on happening… just a few white hairs doomed my entire day  =(

this SUCKS, I don’t know what to do right now, and now I’ve got 2 really big spots right on the front of my crown near my forehead, literally impossible to hide, gonna have to keep putting black dye on,  some of those pulls actually legitimately hurt really badly, too, (since it’s the fine hair in the front),  but that still didn’t stop me.  my scalp really hurts now.   I think I’m going to try taking an ativan (I have some for anxiety/sleep issues)  and see if that helps  =(

I am so upset now,  I thought I was doing good…

time to start slathering on the ointments and getting the LED lamp out again like some kinda cancer patient,  I feel disgusting…

someday this won’t control me,  hold me tightly in it’s grip for hours…

but that day isn’t now  =/

Tags: sore, restlessness, white hair, follicle biting, hair dye, pulled all day, anti-anxiety meds, self esteem, relapse, trichotillomania, ttm, trich, depression, pulling, crown, bald spots, medication by Isis
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not going so well.

pulling a lot the last few days.    have several bald spots now and some that have gotten worse…  =*(

one of my friends who’s been addicted to alcohol for most of his adult life told me about a homeopath he’s been seeing.   I may try that soon and see if it will do anything for me… =(

Tags: crown, relapse, follicle biting, bald spots, alternative healing, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, trich by Isis
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total relapse!  I’ve been going non-stop since that last entry, 3 hours ago  =(   just laying here in bed with my laptop.  Lost track a long time ago, I’m probably up near 100 strands by now.   I can’t seem to stop now, for more than a few minutes anyway… too far into the trance.  My bf should be home in less than an hour, I really hope he’ll hurry up and get home soon and save me!  heh… he doesn’t even know…  all he knows is I have hair loss due to stress, that’s all I’ve filled him in on…

my crown is getting thin again, even with the extensions in, there are some sections that were too short…  so I’ve been pulling those…   now I have to spend like 20 minutes every day arranging my hair so that the extension pieces cover the bald spots.. I feel like the old bald guy trying to comb-over his balding head… =/

but still, I can’t stop… and the little pricks of sensation whenever a hair gets pulled from my scalp, that are supposed to be painful… actually feel good.. and addicting…

I’d better make sure sure to brush all the hair I’ve pulled off the sheets and whatever else it may be piled upon now…

sigh.

Tags: relapse, restlessness, pulling in bed, pull diary, crown, pulling from scalp, ttm, hair extensions, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
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well, I made it through most of my day without pulling my hair out… up until the verrry end when I suddenly found myself doing it while I was stressing out over some school stuff…

I’d caught myself doing it a few more times, idly, whilst sitting at my comp earlier in the evening, but I’d been able to stop it from happening..  guess the school stuff was too much  -.-

I think it was somewhere around 15.   maybe only 6 follicles.

I’ve actually been pulling quite a lot this week, and I’m kinda bummed out about it, but… ehh… more on that next time… this is just a short little note to myself..

I’m going to try and keep better track of the amount of pulling, starting now, so this is a new category of posts..

Tags: school stress, night time, pull diary, follicles, trich, crown, stress by Isis
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