Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

wow, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated.  I guess I’ve been so busy with school and other stuff that it hasn’t been on my mind too much.   Although I’ve tried a few new things since the last time I wrote (started seeing the homeopath about 6 weeks ago, got ridiculously expensive fusion hair extensions from one of the supposedly best salons from around here, they ended up being AWFUL!!),  I am still largely in the same place as before.  I’ve got 3 huge bald patches in the usual places… crown and either side, near temples.I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, so I’m not surprised I’m not doing too well at the moment.  I’m also depressed because of the hair stuff and some other things in general.  Thanks to my acrylic nails though, I still have my brows and lashes, at least.  I am currently on the waitlist for the MGH Trich clinic, and it could be several months before I get in there.  I hope it’s sooner.  :/   I will go into more detail about some of the stuff I’ve tried, next time  I write, which will hopefully not be too much longer from now.   But I thought I’d put a brief entry in here for the time being.   so.. until then..

Tags: pulling at desk, sore, pulling in bed, white hair, pulling in class, pulling in morning, mgh trich clinic, pulling at night, school stress, pulling at mirror, self esteem, crown, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, depression, pulling from scalp, trichster, bald spots, alternative healing, stress by Isis
No Comments »

I had a couple of PF days since I was pretty much around my bf for those couple days, and wasn’t all that bored,  but today… I have pulled ALL.  DAY.  =((   like… 12 hours  =(   even in the car, while driving!!   I’m going to get in an accident if I don’t get that under control  =(    all started from looking at those STUPID white hairs that I have so many of now…  I really am going to have to try and understand that I have to stop letting them bother me, cuz they’re not going to go away!!  I just have to continously dye them so this doesn’t keep on happening… just a few white hairs doomed my entire day  =(

this SUCKS, I don’t know what to do right now, and now I’ve got 2 really big spots right on the front of my crown near my forehead, literally impossible to hide, gonna have to keep putting black dye on,  some of those pulls actually legitimately hurt really badly, too, (since it’s the fine hair in the front),  but that still didn’t stop me.  my scalp really hurts now.   I think I’m going to try taking an ativan (I have some for anxiety/sleep issues)  and see if that helps  =(

I am so upset now,  I thought I was doing good…

time to start slathering on the ointments and getting the LED lamp out again like some kinda cancer patient,  I feel disgusting…

someday this won’t control me,  hold me tightly in it’s grip for hours…

but that day isn’t now  =/

Tags: sore, restlessness, white hair, follicle biting, hair dye, pulled all day, anti-anxiety meds, self esteem, relapse, trichotillomania, ttm, trich, depression, pulling, crown, bald spots, medication by Isis
1 Comment »

left eyebrow is gone again…

the right one is rapidly dissapearing too… *sigh*  =(

this is really pretty bad I guess.

I’m even pulling harder on my lashes too… something I haven’t done in almost 10 years…fuckkk…  I have to get this under control somehow.. I’m starting to become really disheartened and depressed about it…………  =*(((   looking in the mirror, without makeup… isn’t fun……

why does my brain have to register the pain as a good feeling????  so good I can’t stop???!   =(

Tags: pulling eyelashes, eyelashes, pulling eyebrows, depression, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »

I had an “ugly” day earlier this week….

when I go out to class and do other regular things during my day, I don’t bother to put on makeup or any of that garbage, and I also dress comfortably … jeans and a sweatshirt…

when my hair is at a certain length (around the 1-2inch mark)  it looks really rather …  ugly … and makes me look a lot more like a boy than I do with a freshly shaven head.

so I had one of those days recently.  I hate my hair at this length but shaving it every few days is so much effort, I don’t bother.   wigs solve that problem but I no longer wear those very often either - they itch and get tangled easily … I just can’t be bothered for things like going to class or doing errands…….

*sigh*

I may try to make another effort to grow it soon, but I think I know how that will go…..   I can’t afford to go back and get hypnotherapy regularly, quite yet, but that’s something I think was really helping, so hopefully I’ll be able to get some funds together sometime…

Tags: hypnosis, trichster, depression, trichotillomania, ttm, trich by Isis
No Comments »

I can’t seem to let my eyebrows grow… every time they start to come in…  bam… gone again.. =/   I’ve been doing it in bed again before falling asleep.  that spot seems to be one of my worst enemies - the other is at my desk in front of my computer.

just pulled them bare again last night, they HAD been growing in a little..

have been pulling from my crown again, too.  My head is still buzzed really short.

I really wish I could grow it … I am so tired of not having any hair… =/

Tags: pulling from scalp, crown, pulling in bed, depression, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »