Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

well, it’s been a month now since I started cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).I am sad to say that I don’t see much of a difference yet.  My awareness has been increased a bit, but it has gotten no easier to stop the behavior, despite coming up with a list of incompatible behaviors (putting a hat or gloves on, clasping hands, moving around, etc) … the urge is just too strong for any of that to work.

so, I am taking the plunge and trying medication to go along with the CBT, which is the most successful way of going about this…….I am not sure which medication will be tried first, but I am sure there will be a period of unpleasant trial and error, and I’m sure I’m not going to like the side effects of whatever SSRI I am taking… but… at this point, I am willing to sacrifice other things (like my sexual functionality, which is what the Cymbalta / Duloxetine messed with when I tried it, and the main reason I stopped taking it) to try and conquer this…  if there’s any time to really try medication again, it’s right now.. I seem to have no other choice.  It’s becoming incredibly difficult and frustrating to hide my scalp, which is at least 50% bare, especially from my significant other.  It actually distresses me quite a lot when he wants to spend the night with me now, because it’s extremely uncomfortable to sleep with clip-on extensions (they pull at the hair I do have, making my scalp very sore in the morning)  aside from the fact that the hair is all gross and poor quality now because of sleeping on it so often.  I like seeing him but I find myself wishing he didn’t call me so much, just because of the hair thing…  *sigh* I should be happy to spend time with him =(

I had a massive session just now while writing a final paper for school.  It was just awful… I couldn’t stop.  I even pulled my pubic hair (after I tried putting on a hat, the trich monster just moved along somewhere else) for over 20 minutes which is something I haven’t done in a REALLY long time.  :(

I did dye my roots last night in hopes I won’t get stuck in the mirror pulling all my numerous amounts of grays anymore….

I really hope I can get better.  :(

I will update as things progress..

Tags: school stress, pulling at night, pulling at desk, follicle biting, peer pressure, embarrassment, mgh trich clinic boston, pubic area, significant other, anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, treatmeant, restlessness, white hair, trich, ttm, medication, stress, cymbalta, hair extensions, trichotillomania, bald spots, crown, pulling from scalp, pulling, depression, duloxetine by Isis
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so my extenionist had to cancel on me; her work required some out of state travel….  was too late for me to cancel the trip to Chicago, I tried to make the most of it.  found a salon near here after searching for awhile… Noelle Salon…  they quoted me around $500 but haven’t seen me yet… so, my consultation is tomorrow…….been pulling non-stop, even though I was on vacation… it seemed to get even worse then??   It’s to the point where I’m walking around in public and still doing it, and just not caring if anyone sees or not.  I have a bandana over my head now cuz the crown is so bad.saw my bf for the first time since last week and while we were laying together, his hand touched my head a few times and I got really nervous that he could feel that it was all weird… so I moved his arm away quickly, or would shift my body around so his arm would get moved…..  blah.wish me luck tomorrow, I hope they can help me cover up all this damage!   :/

Tags: embarrassment, bald spots, trichotillomania, hair extensions by Isis
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I have been doing fine since the last post, several pull-free days, but I’ve also been hanging out with my boyfriend for all of those days.  I noticed my hand idly searching around on my crown a few times last night while we were in bed watching tv, and if he hadn’t been there, I’m sure I would have been pulling. he’ll be around today but starting tomorrow I won’t see him for awhile.

I’m seeing my extensionist on Saturday, hopefully I can make it until then without pulling any more.  I definetely need to dye my grays again,  I saw lots of white when I looked in the mirror earlier to clip my extensions up around the side of my head to cover up my bald patches.

I’ve been feeling extremely self-concious this last couple of weeks since I did that last round of major damage;  it’s pretty impossible to cover all of it now,  and even when I clip the strands of hair up, they shift around really easily after an hour or two, since there’s no hair underneath to anchor the clips too.    I’ve noticed people looking at the back of my head sometimes =/

oh well.. that’s it for this update.

Tags: pull-free day, 3rd day pull free, embarrassment, pull diary, hair dye, white hair, awkwardness, bald spots by Isis
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