Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

man.  So I’ve had a better week with the hair pulling… however, while writing an email just now, and laying in bed (another trigger.. .I probably should have been more cautious about this even just due to those 2 factors…) I was stressing out over the situation… and barely even noticing that I was steadily pulling at my right eyebrow this entire time.  Now… 20 minutes later… the email is written, and sent.  And I am missing almost my entire eyebrow.  =(On a regular basis I often think to myself, “It’s ok. At least I’ve had my eyebrows for a long time.”  Eyebrows used to be a big problem for me…I hardly ever had full brows a year or two ago.  I was constantly worrying about the drawn in eyebrows coming off in situations.  Especially around my boyfriend.  Now I’m going to see my boyfriend tomorrow for the first time in awhile.  Spend the night… and be all worried about my one eyebrow smudging off, the whole time…into the night, and the morning.  Now I have to carry around an eye pencil again and worry about putting on makeup for the next month until it grows back.  =(  The next MONTH!   And I’m going on a vacation in 2 weeks with a friend… where we’ll be swimming… thank god this is a trusted friend who knows about my problem… so I don’t have to be as worried… but still… it looks awful……….. I look diseased again =(This just shows how dangerous and aggressive pulling can be when it’s a secondary action… my main action was writing the email, but there was stress involved, on top of a trigger situation… and I wasn’t able to work hard at resisting…. and it just happened so fast… now the aftermath is going to last for a long time.  =(   Blahhh.  After I had such a decent week with the other hairpulling…This is the first time in I can’t even remember how long since I’ve had missing eyebrows…. dammit…  I hope I can hold onto the other one and that isn’t the next target…..

Tags: restlessness, pulling in bed, embarrassment, anxiety, pulling eyebrows, relapse, stress, side effects, trichotillomania, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »

 why does it feel so good to do this??  =( it’s just so unfair that it relieves so much tension… I had a stressful day… and sometimes, I just really  can’t stop it… but by the time the tension has gone away.. I’m in trance mode and can’t stop even though I want to.I keep trying to make myself be aware of the reality of the situation…. this is my own hair… that is on my head for a reason, and I am tearing it out and causing severe damage to my scalp!   But somehow, it just doesn’t want to register like that, all I can think of is ‘oooh that feels good, oh, that one was even better.  maybe there’s another follicle to bite now!’   It’s like repeating a word over and over again until all of a sudden, it just looses meaning… all you can focus on is the sound, and not the word anymore.  But the reality is this:  What I’m doing is disgusting!!  Imagine if anyone ever could see me like this, while I’m this bad?  There’s hair sticking all over me,  piles of HAIR that just came from my head,  there’s strands of it everwhere, all over my bed, I’m SLEEPING in it. arrrrggg =(I have to wear a bandana now to cover up the huge bald area on the top of my head now.  I can’t even wrap the extensions around my head to cover it completely anymore, this is really bad heh.  I should probably take a picture to illustrate just how bad.  It’s def as bad as it was a couple years ago, when I first got some extensions put in, and then had to shave my head for awhile again after, because I just couldn’t be responsible enough to DESERVE hair.thank goodness help will be on the way soon.  the trip to the salon went well the other day, but now I have to go to a seperate branch of the salon on Tuesday.   because the spot on top is so bad, I have to have a fake hair piece - it looks like a partial wig - sewn into my hair first,  (if I can MAKE it that long without pulling out even more, that is!  =(   It needs SOME hair on the sides to anchor on to, and now that’s dissapearing with each passing day…) at the first salon, and then go to their other location, to get the extensions put in afterwards.   All this is going to cost me about $350  (the fake hair piece system is $250) plus the extensions.  and I’ll have to go back every month and spend another $120ish or something like that to get everything re-positioned.I don’t even know how much money I’ve spent because of trich anymore, but it’s in the thousands, including solutions to hide it and some therapy that did or did not work.  I haven’t had cash to see a homeopath yet (frankly, I’m not entirely sure that I can really afford this round of hair stuff, so I think some of it’s gonna have to go on a credit card… eek..) and at this point I’m wondering if I should try to go back on any medication.  I’d really rather not do that but the last couple of years it’s the worst it’s ever been in all 12 years, and… I would really like to actually get a grip on it….oh, and as a side note, apparently I have to grow my right thumb and forefingers’ acrylic nails again, as I have not had a full left eyebrow in 2 weeks now.  I guess I can’t handle the responsibility of having short nails again, either.blah.  well, wish me luck at the second salon this week!    (ps… I don’t know what’s up with the lack of line breaks in wordpress all of a sudden, how irritating..!  Hope to get that figured out soon)

Tags: pulling in bed, follicle obsession, follicles, follicle biting, acrylic nails, pulled all day, pull diary, wigs, pulling eyebrows, relapse, ttm, trich, medication, hair extensions, trichotillomania, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »

had some tension-free periods of time there for a bit but two things of note..

a few days ago, the hard acrylic nail chipped on one of my thumbnails, exposing the real nail.    I was able to ignore this for a couple days, knowing that I’d be back to get my nails done sometime in the next week - but I started to chew on the nail after a couple of days.  I bit the nail pretty far down… certainly the shortest it’s been in a very long time.     and then…  I started tugging at my left eyebrow.     There’s a very big bald patch in it now.   That is the first time that I’ve pulled my eyebrows in like 6 months or so  =(  …. (since I’ve been getting the acrylic nails) …so, guess I won’t be taking the acrylic nails off anytime soon.  Not only did I bite the nail down but I proceeded to yank out my nice full eyebrow, which has been allowed to grow in for the first time in years.  luckily I was able to stop before I started on the right brow.     guess that proves my wishful thinking wrong - I was just starting to think to myself,  ’wow, maybe I can stop having this done soon and have my regular nails again.’

nope. 

today I pulled after a long, productive and generally cleansing day around the house (I thoroughly cleaned my bedroom, and got the roommates to help me clean the ENTIRE apartment, cleaner than it’s ever been before… QUITE the accomplishment living with 3 college dudes…)  but, I let myself keep going for awhile, simply because I felt like I’d earned a little bit of a break.  and plus, it was so extremely relaxing….. I really felt like the rest of my leftover tension just floated into the air… it was definitely theraputic..of course then, however, I couldn’t stop at just 10-20 minutes of pulling,  I went for about 2 hours.  Just now I finally put a bandana over my (now almost entirely bald on top)  head.   Only 10 more days until I see Rae from Hair Alchemy again and see what she can do to help me.  She did a great job last time, but much of my hair was too short to be put into the extensions.  That hair happened to be all the hair on my crown that is now 95% gone…    but, there’s a little tiny bit more than there was last time, so hopefully a couple of new strands will make a difference. well that’s it for now.  and thanks for the comments…  reminds me that I’m not alone  :) 

Tags: pulling eyebrows, crown, nail biting, pulling in bed, pull diary, acrylic nails, bald spots, pulling from scalp, ttm, trich, hair extensions, hair alchemy, trichotillomania, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »

well, I made it to 5 days PF…

just now though, I pulled 2 while looking in the mirror, but it’s cuz they were white and highly visible… so I am kinda only half-counting those…

but then that made me pull once more… and there were 4 in that pull  =[          a couple of follicles.  my scalp is like.. itching or something now, and my hand keeps going back up, the urge is fuckin.. overwhelmingly strong.   gah!!  I hope writing this will help me stop.  I’m going to bed soon as well.  hopefully I’m tired enough to just pass right out (I think so)  and not be up pulling for 2 more hours ors omething…

edit/addition…:

still have my eyebrows though…..   I am so thankful for those, with every day that passes…..   I never have to worry about them getting wiped off my face due to rain, or taking a shower, or smudging with my hand, or being with my partner… ever again, I think!   omg!

Tags: cosmetic, pulling at mirror, 5th day pull free, white hair, relapse, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »

I think that writing it down in here every day has been helping me quite a bit!  Last night at my computer, there were at least 8 times where I felt my hand go up and start to touch the strands, searching for the right one… but I was able to stop myself by thinking,  “but if you pull them now, you won’t be able to write that you’re pull-free anymore, and the day is alllmost over!”

and it totally worked!  =D

yayyyy.   hehe.

oh yeah, and did I mention?!  that I am sooo happy to have MY OWN eyebrows again?   thank you , acrylic nails!!  omg :]

that is all.  I still have to post pix and stuff.  I will as soon as I have time.   nightz.

Tags: 3rd day pull free, pull-free day, pull diary, acrylic nails, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »