Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

it’s awful.
I took pictures today. the spot started off being the size of a dime, within the week it had turned into what it is now. it happened, as it usually does, very fuckin’ rapidly.

spot pic 1
pic 2

this is what happens every time I try to grow my hair out in the last several years. I don’t even know how many times I’ve tried to grow it - I’ve lost count.

although it looks disgusting and freaks me out… I can’t stop. I’m even pulling right now. I’m already back under the spell … the satisfying feel of the pull.. the sound it makes … seeing how many fat follicles I’ve gotten with each pull. biting them between my teeth when I get a good one. pulling to get more good ones, and being annoyed when there aren’t any …

my fingertips are sore; my scalp is too. it’s red from the abuse. I’ve been sitting, hunched over at my LED light each night feeling like a cancer patient going for some kind of radiation… then applying “do gro” cream to the spot …

the same ritual I’ve done for 2+ years now, it’s so awful … I feel so weird while going through the motions.. and let’s not forget the time consumption..

my room is surrounded by wigs, I have so many of them now. there’s fake hair EVERYWHERE.

yet I can’t stop, now that my hair is long enough to pull. I did notice that I have been able to stop myself a bit more than usual lately, by trying to remind myself that no matter HOW good it feels, the feeling is NOT worth the misery for so many months afterward.

I don’t know what I’m going to do to hide this =( the BF is going to see it soon, there’s no way he won’t… it’s really hard to hide since my hair is so short, there’s nothing to cover it. and I can’t wear a wig to bed… or a hat! =( I mean, the spot is even big enough now that if he rubs his hand over my head, he’ll FEEL it, even if it’s totally dark in the room.

I’m frantically searching for some way to make my own extensions ….to cover the spot and also keep my fingers from getting at my hair… but my hair isnt even really long enough to put clips into yet, ones that will stay, anyway. =( how do men hide it?? I think I’m going to try and find out what guys do… because my hair is as short as most guy’s hair is , right now…

*sigh* … I rubbed the spot just now, since it’s sore … the fresh bald spots always feel so weird, almost like… rubbery… the skin is just so bare and raw feeling… its like rubber…

it won’t be long now before there are spots of this size in other places, too … its the same pattern that happens time and time again…

I wonder… maybe, if I got some fake plastic nails … long ones on my thumb and index finger… if I’d be unable to get a good grip then…

hmm… might have to look into it…

man… I really hope some new solutions for trich sufferers come out in the next few years… it’s starting to become well-enough known about now that I’m sure there have to be people working on things…

Tags: follicle obsession, follicles, l.e.d. light healing, pictures, follicle biting, pulling in bed, relapse, trichster, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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When I pull now, the bald spots appear MUCH quicker than they used to.  I think that from 8+ years of pulling, my hair has just thinned out in certain spots.  I used to be able to pull for 20 minutes here and there, and not always have it be very noticeable - but now the spots appear after the first pulling session….

sigh.

on another note, I was trying to figure out when the last time I had fully grown eyebrows was … and I can’t remember. 

Tags: bald spots, trichotillomania, ttm, trich, eyebrows by Isis
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left eyebrow is gone again…

the right one is rapidly dissapearing too… *sigh*  =(

this is really pretty bad I guess.

I’m even pulling harder on my lashes too… something I haven’t done in almost 10 years…fuckkk…  I have to get this under control somehow.. I’m starting to become really disheartened and depressed about it…………  =*(((   looking in the mirror, without makeup… isn’t fun……

why does my brain have to register the pain as a good feeling????  so good I can’t stop???!   =(

Tags: pulling eyelashes, eyelashes, pulling eyebrows, depression, eyebrows by Isis
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yeah… I ended up shaving my head a couple hours after the last post.  so, I’m hanging out with my friend later anyway.  oh well.

now its going to be 3-5 months before those little spots fill in… it’s such a long-lasting effect to deal with for just a few hours of pleasure…

I went to get a massage today, that included a bit of a face massage with oil.  the woman said I was “brave for wearing a shaved head” but it looked great on me.   I thanked her (I happen to be lucky and do have a nicely shaped skull) but then a few minutes later when she massaged my face with the oil, my eyebrows must have come off because she then said, “oh, but you pluck all of your eyebrows off… I cannot compliment you for that!”

I should probably just be more open with strangers in situations like that, then maybe they wouldn’t say dumb crap like that.

actually, I’d say the eyebrows are about 30% grown in.   It’s about…12 more days or so til I see my boy/friend … I think they’ll be almost grown in by then… enough to look ok at least, even if the makeup does get smudged off.

Tags: self esteem, trauma caused by pulling, awkwardness, shaved head, trichster, bald spots, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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pulling more aggressively now…

have 3 small bald spots already ><    near around the back of my ears as they usually start.

I guess I gotta shave my head again this weekend.   I’m pretty sure now that my only hope is regular hypnosis, but … I am in nowhere near of a financial position to afford that right now.  so, looks like I’m stuck for a bit longer.  I do think that it may be the answer, though.. when I can afford it, hopefully someday not too much longer from now…

I’m going to see a friend from high school tomorrow, I always feel a bit awkward around her, since she was one of the few people that knew.  It’s actually prevented me from seeing her more, cuz I’m embarrassed my hair is still this way.  She was my best friend for over 5 years too, so I feel bad that I dont see her anymore… and the only real reason is because of this…

I thought earlier in the week, how nice it’d be that I’ll have some hair now that I see her again for the first time in over a year..   but, now I’ve got these bald patches to be concious of… so that means I’ll have to face her directly at all times and be careful about turning my head, or bending over or something.

*sigh*  =/

at least my eyebrows are starting to fill in a TEENY bit.    I’m seeing the guy I like in about 2 weeks (he’s been away) so I hope they’re at least half filled in by then….so they dont get rubbed off completely if we are intimate…. I hate having to be constantly worrying that I have no eyebrows anymore while in such a close setting with someone…

but yeah.. the hair….

it feels too good to stop, and even if I do stop, it only lasts for a few minutes before I give in again…   and of course biting the follicles only reinforces the cycle…

the hair on my arms is almost all grown in now, and it’s bothering me.  I really have to Nair it off in the next day or two, it’s longer than it has been in awhile.  ew.   That stuff I end up pulling cuz it LOOKS gross, not cuz it feels good to pull from there - because it doesn’t.  arm hair is purely for cosmetic reasons….   I’m sure most chicks wouldn’t let it bother them even thought it *is* a little dark, cuz most chicks aren’t totally fucking obsessed with …hair…

somehow, last year I made it long enough to get extensions put in.  I remember pulling quite a bit, and there were several large bald spots by the time it was the minimum 3 inches it needed to be …

woah, actually I remember it being so bad that I THOUGHT it was going to be too late… too much damage.. and I cried a lot over it…thinking I’d ruined it..

but even though 75% of my hair was gone (quite possibly the most I’ve ever pulled, actually)… the extensions still worked.  I was able to (most of the time) wrap the big puffy wool extension locks around in such a manner that it would hide the bald spots if I did it just right…

too bad they only last a few months. =/   and also, quite a bit of my little remaining hair was torn out even further when they were put in, due to the tightness necessary for them to attach and stay in…. so… even more damage…

anyhow.

I guess I’ll hang out with my friend tomorrow… and shave it off when I get home.  It’s only an inch long..only 3 weeks of growth.    It was Oct 22nd when I bic’ed it, and it’s Nov 13th now…

looks like I’m bald for awhile yet, still…

oh well.  must keep the rest of my life moving forward.

Tags: pulling lashes, cosmetic, obsession, restlessness, follicle biting, pulling at desk, awkwardness, pulling in class, body hair, grooming, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, hypnotherapy, pulling, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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