Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

well, it’s been a month now since I started cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).I am sad to say that I don’t see much of a difference yet.  My awareness has been increased a bit, but it has gotten no easier to stop the behavior, despite coming up with a list of incompatible behaviors (putting a hat or gloves on, clasping hands, moving around, etc) … the urge is just too strong for any of that to work.

so, I am taking the plunge and trying medication to go along with the CBT, which is the most successful way of going about this…….I am not sure which medication will be tried first, but I am sure there will be a period of unpleasant trial and error, and I’m sure I’m not going to like the side effects of whatever SSRI I am taking… but… at this point, I am willing to sacrifice other things (like my sexual functionality, which is what the Cymbalta / Duloxetine messed with when I tried it, and the main reason I stopped taking it) to try and conquer this…  if there’s any time to really try medication again, it’s right now.. I seem to have no other choice.  It’s becoming incredibly difficult and frustrating to hide my scalp, which is at least 50% bare, especially from my significant other.  It actually distresses me quite a lot when he wants to spend the night with me now, because it’s extremely uncomfortable to sleep with clip-on extensions (they pull at the hair I do have, making my scalp very sore in the morning)  aside from the fact that the hair is all gross and poor quality now because of sleeping on it so often.  I like seeing him but I find myself wishing he didn’t call me so much, just because of the hair thing…  *sigh* I should be happy to spend time with him =(

I had a massive session just now while writing a final paper for school.  It was just awful… I couldn’t stop.  I even pulled my pubic hair (after I tried putting on a hat, the trich monster just moved along somewhere else) for over 20 minutes which is something I haven’t done in a REALLY long time.  :(

I did dye my roots last night in hopes I won’t get stuck in the mirror pulling all my numerous amounts of grays anymore….

I really hope I can get better.  :(

I will update as things progress..

Tags: school stress, pulling at night, pulling at desk, follicle biting, peer pressure, embarrassment, mgh trich clinic boston, pubic area, significant other, anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, treatmeant, restlessness, white hair, trich, ttm, medication, stress, cymbalta, hair extensions, trichotillomania, bald spots, crown, pulling from scalp, pulling, depression, duloxetine by Isis
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 why does it feel so good to do this??  =( it’s just so unfair that it relieves so much tension… I had a stressful day… and sometimes, I just really  can’t stop it… but by the time the tension has gone away.. I’m in trance mode and can’t stop even though I want to.I keep trying to make myself be aware of the reality of the situation…. this is my own hair… that is on my head for a reason, and I am tearing it out and causing severe damage to my scalp!   But somehow, it just doesn’t want to register like that, all I can think of is ‘oooh that feels good, oh, that one was even better.  maybe there’s another follicle to bite now!’   It’s like repeating a word over and over again until all of a sudden, it just looses meaning… all you can focus on is the sound, and not the word anymore.  But the reality is this:  What I’m doing is disgusting!!  Imagine if anyone ever could see me like this, while I’m this bad?  There’s hair sticking all over me,  piles of HAIR that just came from my head,  there’s strands of it everwhere, all over my bed, I’m SLEEPING in it. arrrrggg =(I have to wear a bandana now to cover up the huge bald area on the top of my head now.  I can’t even wrap the extensions around my head to cover it completely anymore, this is really bad heh.  I should probably take a picture to illustrate just how bad.  It’s def as bad as it was a couple years ago, when I first got some extensions put in, and then had to shave my head for awhile again after, because I just couldn’t be responsible enough to DESERVE hair.thank goodness help will be on the way soon.  the trip to the salon went well the other day, but now I have to go to a seperate branch of the salon on Tuesday.   because the spot on top is so bad, I have to have a fake hair piece - it looks like a partial wig - sewn into my hair first,  (if I can MAKE it that long without pulling out even more, that is!  =(   It needs SOME hair on the sides to anchor on to, and now that’s dissapearing with each passing day…) at the first salon, and then go to their other location, to get the extensions put in afterwards.   All this is going to cost me about $350  (the fake hair piece system is $250) plus the extensions.  and I’ll have to go back every month and spend another $120ish or something like that to get everything re-positioned.I don’t even know how much money I’ve spent because of trich anymore, but it’s in the thousands, including solutions to hide it and some therapy that did or did not work.  I haven’t had cash to see a homeopath yet (frankly, I’m not entirely sure that I can really afford this round of hair stuff, so I think some of it’s gonna have to go on a credit card… eek..) and at this point I’m wondering if I should try to go back on any medication.  I’d really rather not do that but the last couple of years it’s the worst it’s ever been in all 12 years, and… I would really like to actually get a grip on it….oh, and as a side note, apparently I have to grow my right thumb and forefingers’ acrylic nails again, as I have not had a full left eyebrow in 2 weeks now.  I guess I can’t handle the responsibility of having short nails again, either.blah.  well, wish me luck at the second salon this week!    (ps… I don’t know what’s up with the lack of line breaks in wordpress all of a sudden, how irritating..!  Hope to get that figured out soon)

Tags: pulling in bed, follicle obsession, follicles, follicle biting, acrylic nails, pulled all day, pull diary, wigs, pulling eyebrows, relapse, ttm, trich, medication, hair extensions, trichotillomania, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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I had a couple of PF days since I was pretty much around my bf for those couple days, and wasn’t all that bored,  but today… I have pulled ALL.  DAY.  =((   like… 12 hours  =(   even in the car, while driving!!   I’m going to get in an accident if I don’t get that under control  =(    all started from looking at those STUPID white hairs that I have so many of now…  I really am going to have to try and understand that I have to stop letting them bother me, cuz they’re not going to go away!!  I just have to continously dye them so this doesn’t keep on happening… just a few white hairs doomed my entire day  =(

this SUCKS, I don’t know what to do right now, and now I’ve got 2 really big spots right on the front of my crown near my forehead, literally impossible to hide, gonna have to keep putting black dye on,  some of those pulls actually legitimately hurt really badly, too, (since it’s the fine hair in the front),  but that still didn’t stop me.  my scalp really hurts now.   I think I’m going to try taking an ativan (I have some for anxiety/sleep issues)  and see if that helps  =(

I am so upset now,  I thought I was doing good…

time to start slathering on the ointments and getting the LED lamp out again like some kinda cancer patient,  I feel disgusting…

someday this won’t control me,  hold me tightly in it’s grip for hours…

but that day isn’t now  =/

Tags: sore, restlessness, white hair, follicle biting, hair dye, pulled all day, anti-anxiety meds, self esteem, relapse, trichotillomania, ttm, trich, depression, pulling, crown, bald spots, medication by Isis
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as usual, I can never keep any sort of new routine going… hence not writing in the pull diary… I guess it just got so out of control again that I didn’t want to bother trying to keep track of numbers and specifics..

the monster’s got a tight grip on me. haven’t had a pull-free day in ages.
I did move recently, and go through a wholleeee bunch of stress… which has left my crown, very very bare =/

luckily, I am somewhat able to cover it, by sweeping my extensions on the right side of my head all the way over (doing the old-man comb-over again… sigh..) and by then clipping the strands down with 3-4 hair clips. this causes the fake hair to bunch up in places and look pretty sloppy usually, but…  it’s better than the alternative. I also use some black hair dye on my scalp to further conceal, but it usually ends up turning blueish and running down my forehead & face once in the shower, which can sometimes leave a bit of a shadow for up to a day afterwards…so… it’s not exactly a foolproof solution…

I am seeing my extensionist in another month so that she can re-attach the strands… they’re probably only going to last a few more weeks otherwise (it’s been 2 months since I’ve had them put in, and they usually last around 3-4 months, if cared for well)

and hoping to see the homeopath that my friend recommended to me, when I have a spare hundred bucks or so.. I hope it helps… I am so very weary of this… it’s been 12+ years… =(

as I write this, sits a huge pile of hair, on the floor next to me, on my leg, on my keyboard.. it’s been about 4 hours now..

ah well.. until next time…

Tags: pulling from scalp, follicle biting, hair dye, trichotillomania, hair extensions, trich, ttm, stress by Isis
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not going so well.

pulling a lot the last few days.    have several bald spots now and some that have gotten worse…  =*(

one of my friends who’s been addicted to alcohol for most of his adult life told me about a homeopath he’s been seeing.   I may try that soon and see if it will do anything for me… =(

Tags: crown, relapse, follicle biting, bald spots, alternative healing, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, trich by Isis
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