Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

sad to say that nothing’s changed, although I have to admit I haven’t been trying very hard. I’ve been away traveling and dealing with grief and stress… haven’t seen my Dr in awhile.  the Naltrexone doesn’t seem to really be doing much on its own. <p>

I now have a bunch of very large spots all over my head, (the follicle obsession has been VERY strong recently… spend a lot of time thinking/obsessing over it even when I’m not doing it) and for the first time I pulled a lot from the very front, the fine wispy stuff around my forehead, so I’ve got these like 3-inch around circles coming in on both sides of my forehead… VERY hard to hide, I’ve been having to basically wear a headband any time I go out.  getting to feel pretty awkward around my partner.  I’m worried about how long it’s going to take those spots to fill in because the fine hair always takes a lot longer.  *sigh*  =/

Tags: trauma caused by pulling, follicle obsession, follicle biting, naltrexone, follicles, bald spots, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, stress by Isis
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 why does it feel so good to do this??  =( it’s just so unfair that it relieves so much tension… I had a stressful day… and sometimes, I just really  can’t stop it… but by the time the tension has gone away.. I’m in trance mode and can’t stop even though I want to.I keep trying to make myself be aware of the reality of the situation…. this is my own hair… that is on my head for a reason, and I am tearing it out and causing severe damage to my scalp!   But somehow, it just doesn’t want to register like that, all I can think of is ‘oooh that feels good, oh, that one was even better.  maybe there’s another follicle to bite now!’   It’s like repeating a word over and over again until all of a sudden, it just looses meaning… all you can focus on is the sound, and not the word anymore.  But the reality is this:  What I’m doing is disgusting!!  Imagine if anyone ever could see me like this, while I’m this bad?  There’s hair sticking all over me,  piles of HAIR that just came from my head,  there’s strands of it everwhere, all over my bed, I’m SLEEPING in it. arrrrggg =(I have to wear a bandana now to cover up the huge bald area on the top of my head now.  I can’t even wrap the extensions around my head to cover it completely anymore, this is really bad heh.  I should probably take a picture to illustrate just how bad.  It’s def as bad as it was a couple years ago, when I first got some extensions put in, and then had to shave my head for awhile again after, because I just couldn’t be responsible enough to DESERVE hair.thank goodness help will be on the way soon.  the trip to the salon went well the other day, but now I have to go to a seperate branch of the salon on Tuesday.   because the spot on top is so bad, I have to have a fake hair piece - it looks like a partial wig - sewn into my hair first,  (if I can MAKE it that long without pulling out even more, that is!  =(   It needs SOME hair on the sides to anchor on to, and now that’s dissapearing with each passing day…) at the first salon, and then go to their other location, to get the extensions put in afterwards.   All this is going to cost me about $350  (the fake hair piece system is $250) plus the extensions.  and I’ll have to go back every month and spend another $120ish or something like that to get everything re-positioned.I don’t even know how much money I’ve spent because of trich anymore, but it’s in the thousands, including solutions to hide it and some therapy that did or did not work.  I haven’t had cash to see a homeopath yet (frankly, I’m not entirely sure that I can really afford this round of hair stuff, so I think some of it’s gonna have to go on a credit card… eek..) and at this point I’m wondering if I should try to go back on any medication.  I’d really rather not do that but the last couple of years it’s the worst it’s ever been in all 12 years, and… I would really like to actually get a grip on it….oh, and as a side note, apparently I have to grow my right thumb and forefingers’ acrylic nails again, as I have not had a full left eyebrow in 2 weeks now.  I guess I can’t handle the responsibility of having short nails again, either.blah.  well, wish me luck at the second salon this week!    (ps… I don’t know what’s up with the lack of line breaks in wordpress all of a sudden, how irritating..!  Hope to get that figured out soon)

Tags: pulling in bed, follicle obsession, follicles, follicle biting, acrylic nails, pulled all day, pull diary, wigs, pulling eyebrows, relapse, ttm, trich, medication, hair extensions, trichotillomania, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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yesterday was pull-free, but today I’ve pulled 7 times,  with 12 strands and 7 follicles…

I was fine until a few minutes ago when I started on my homework in a difficult class =(    In fact, not even an hour ago I thought that I’d be PF today since I’m at my boyfriends for the day and he’ll be back soon.   *sigh*

now that I’ve pulled that many times, it’s REALLY hard not to keep going…..  I have to focus all of my energy on not doing it…

well, back to homework  =/

Tags: pulling in bed, follicle biting, school stress, follicles, relapse, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, ttm by Isis
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well, I made it through most of my day without pulling my hair out… up until the verrry end when I suddenly found myself doing it while I was stressing out over some school stuff…

I’d caught myself doing it a few more times, idly, whilst sitting at my comp earlier in the evening, but I’d been able to stop it from happening..  guess the school stuff was too much  -.-

I think it was somewhere around 15.   maybe only 6 follicles.

I’ve actually been pulling quite a lot this week, and I’m kinda bummed out about it, but… ehh… more on that next time… this is just a short little note to myself..

I’m going to try and keep better track of the amount of pulling, starting now, so this is a new category of posts..

Tags: school stress, night time, pull diary, follicles, trich, crown, stress by Isis
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it’s awful.
I took pictures today. the spot started off being the size of a dime, within the week it had turned into what it is now. it happened, as it usually does, very fuckin’ rapidly.

spot pic 1
pic 2

this is what happens every time I try to grow my hair out in the last several years. I don’t even know how many times I’ve tried to grow it - I’ve lost count.

although it looks disgusting and freaks me out… I can’t stop. I’m even pulling right now. I’m already back under the spell … the satisfying feel of the pull.. the sound it makes … seeing how many fat follicles I’ve gotten with each pull. biting them between my teeth when I get a good one. pulling to get more good ones, and being annoyed when there aren’t any …

my fingertips are sore; my scalp is too. it’s red from the abuse. I’ve been sitting, hunched over at my LED light each night feeling like a cancer patient going for some kind of radiation… then applying “do gro” cream to the spot …

the same ritual I’ve done for 2+ years now, it’s so awful … I feel so weird while going through the motions.. and let’s not forget the time consumption..

my room is surrounded by wigs, I have so many of them now. there’s fake hair EVERYWHERE.

yet I can’t stop, now that my hair is long enough to pull. I did notice that I have been able to stop myself a bit more than usual lately, by trying to remind myself that no matter HOW good it feels, the feeling is NOT worth the misery for so many months afterward.

I don’t know what I’m going to do to hide this =( the BF is going to see it soon, there’s no way he won’t… it’s really hard to hide since my hair is so short, there’s nothing to cover it. and I can’t wear a wig to bed… or a hat! =( I mean, the spot is even big enough now that if he rubs his hand over my head, he’ll FEEL it, even if it’s totally dark in the room.

I’m frantically searching for some way to make my own extensions ….to cover the spot and also keep my fingers from getting at my hair… but my hair isnt even really long enough to put clips into yet, ones that will stay, anyway. =( how do men hide it?? I think I’m going to try and find out what guys do… because my hair is as short as most guy’s hair is , right now…

*sigh* … I rubbed the spot just now, since it’s sore … the fresh bald spots always feel so weird, almost like… rubbery… the skin is just so bare and raw feeling… its like rubber…

it won’t be long now before there are spots of this size in other places, too … its the same pattern that happens time and time again…

I wonder… maybe, if I got some fake plastic nails … long ones on my thumb and index finger… if I’d be unable to get a good grip then…

hmm… might have to look into it…

man… I really hope some new solutions for trich sufferers come out in the next few years… it’s starting to become well-enough known about now that I’m sure there have to be people working on things…

Tags: follicle obsession, follicles, l.e.d. light healing, pictures, follicle biting, pulling in bed, relapse, trichster, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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