Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

I had an “ugly” day earlier this week….

when I go out to class and do other regular things during my day, I don’t bother to put on makeup or any of that garbage, and I also dress comfortably … jeans and a sweatshirt…

when my hair is at a certain length (around the 1-2inch mark)  it looks really rather …  ugly … and makes me look a lot more like a boy than I do with a freshly shaven head.

so I had one of those days recently.  I hate my hair at this length but shaving it every few days is so much effort, I don’t bother.   wigs solve that problem but I no longer wear those very often either - they itch and get tangled easily … I just can’t be bothered for things like going to class or doing errands…….

*sigh*

I may try to make another effort to grow it soon, but I think I know how that will go…..   I can’t afford to go back and get hypnotherapy regularly, quite yet, but that’s something I think was really helping, so hopefully I’ll be able to get some funds together sometime…

Tags: hypnosis, trichster, depression, trichotillomania, ttm, trich by Isis
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Well, it’s been…  almost 2 months now since I did most of the damage from the most recent episode… (although I probably originally started up again almost 4 months ago)  and I still look like I was in some sort of horrific accident of some kind…. heh.

I have since seen my hypnotist, and I think it may have helped, although I have kept my hair so short until the rest finally grows in… so I haven’t had any hair to pull, anyway. I pray that it won’t be more than another 2 months before it all grows back in….it has made me so uncomfortable around friends, and my S.O  … having to hide it consistently for the last 2 months….  having to wear a hat to bed when I spend the night with him… how embarrassing and very humbling.   He, of course, knows of my problem and knows why I’m wearing the hat, but he offers very little support, if any.   He never inquires about how I’m doing with it,  well, sometimes he does, but it always to have the overtone of annoyance… well maybe not annoyance but it’s more like “so are you still pulling your hair out?”  because it bothers him.  Not to ask how I’m actually doing with it… but because it bothers HIM.    A nice way to add insult to injury.   Why are we human beings so selfish, and self-centered?

During the hypnosis we focused a little on the eyebrows, since those have become problematic again.  Well… typically I almost always do that with my right hand… since I’m right-handed… and it’s always the left eyebrow that suffers more.   My Dr. therefore gave more specific instructions for my right hand to …chill out, more or less… and that seems to have worked… although, now I’m pulling with my left hand!  lol.  So, the right eyebrow is mostly gone now.   ahh well.   I’ll be going back in another couple of weeks.. so we’ll try to fix that a little bit… hehe…

I’m also getting so sick and tired of wearing this goddamned bandana EVERY DAY I come in to work.  It’s so goddamned uncomfortable after a few hours.. I just want to rip the damn thing off….  *sigh*  ….. wigs are fun and all, but they itch after a couple of hours too…  they’re fun to wear as an OPTION and not a necessity…..  mehh…

Just realized my 10-year high school reunion is next year, as well…  I really really hope that I can get more of a handle on this before then….  that’s the last thing I need is to have my former classmates knowing…..

Tags: crown, hypnosis, hypnotherapy, eyebrows by Isis
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I decided to shave my head again. Mostly for cosmetic reasons, actually. I have been missing the look of a shaved head… the fact that there were lots of bald patches was secondary.

so, I haven’t been able to pull much, although my left eyebrow is mostly gone again. I still seem to have the urges less often than before I went to get hypnotised. I haven’t been back there in over a month and probably won’t be rushing back too soon, either, although I will definetely be back, maybe for some other reasons.

aside from that… nothing much to report. I would probably write more often if I knew people were reading, but according to my site statistics, hardly anyone is here, so there’s not much of a reason to try and write every few days, for the time being.

I did find some pictures though that I am planning on putting up at one point or another.

that’s it for now….

Tags: hypnosis, alternative healing, bald spots, hypnotherapy, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, eyebrows by Isis
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(last entry from previous diary!)

seems as is my bumblebee got the best of me, about a week ago.. I went through some unusual, highly stressful circumstances a couple days last week, which I won’t be elaborating on here… I pulled for I at least 5-6 hours nonstop, which was… the most in a very long while, but… there was pretty much nothing else I COULD do.
aaand that’s all I’m going to say about that here, no need to share the rest of the details, let’s just say it was… pretty fuckin stressful! (and unusual, as in, it should hopefully not be happening again… at least I hope not…lol) so, I wasn’t too hard on myself about it. I know now that that’s the most important thing. well, I’ve usually been pretty much ok with it most of the time, but sometimes if I went through a bad spot like that I’d kick myself for a long time afterwards.

so, I’m going back to see my buddy.. on Thursday.. fill him in on some of the details. hehe. I’m pretty sure he’ll
help get me back on track… I really was doing so well for awhile!

I’m also planning to go back to the “Mad Russian”, too, since he pretty much did nothing for me the first time. but, his policy is such that if seeing him once doesn’t do anything for you, he will see you again for free… .and I’m assuming probably gives you more specific attention (since this was done in a group setting for some reason…. ?????) yeah I didn’t quite get that part. oh well. *shrug* ..

just gotta find the time to go back. time for rest now. my boy kitty just started whining & crying in the other room for some unknown reason… lol.

oh, and as a last final note… I think I may be moving this journal, so I can use some actual blogging software, or something. sites like this one, and others, are nice cuz you can update blogs easily, but… there’s just hardly any options, it’s all rather oldsk00l. cool and shit, but I need to do more! plus, I’d like to add some sponser links.. I realized the other day just very much this disease has cost me in monetary terms… (it was one of the questions in a recent paid study I did at the MGH clinic in Boston) …..it’s really been hundreds of dollars!! =/ It was over 1k actually, (really nice wigs, and extensions as well, can host hundreds a pop..) plus the UV light (which actually seems to have helped, it does all sorts of other neat shit for your skin, too… $350 was the cheapest one I could find…) and whatever other like head grease crap to make my scalp feel a little better after I rip it apart for days at a time…..)

so.. meh, well, anyways…. long story short… if I could make some of that back… by talking about it and putting it out there… that would definetely be a nice offset to all of the insane amounts of money I’ve spent because of it…

well, anyways. that’s it for now. going to try and get wordpress going sometime this week, I hope. the url for this site (www.sanitywarp.org ) will remain the same. =)

Tags: relapse, mad russian, alternative healing, hypnosis, hypnotherapy by Isis
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Last night was the second hypnotherapy session for my trich. I was a little discouraged for the last few days since the
pulling urges came back pretty much full-force. The first several days after the last treatment worked wonderfully,
and I was able to resist almost all of my urges. It went great for about half a week, but then suddenly I just lost it =/
Yesterday I talked with Dr. Schwartz for most of the session and he reminded me that although I get a great deal of
pleasure when pulling, that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing, since it is damaging to me. He then pointed out that
pleasure can be derived from many activities that are harmful- some people get off on raping and hurting others,
for example. One of the universe’s laws is “do no harm” and that by harming myself, I am doing wrong. I asked him to
suggest during the hypnosis that the pulling be more painful, since one of the problems that keeps me from
continuing to pull is that, in most spots, not only does it not feel painful to pull, but it actually feels good. So,
that’s what he did. He described the act itself in graphic detail as tearing, ripping, pulling the skin, etc.. it made
me grimace as he described it. Later, I walked back to my clearing, with the purple chair, and there was a little
kitten running around that was following me as if it had something to learn from me, because I am “the great teacher”
now. He also told me to imagine the bumblebee from before, transforming into a beautiful butterfly to represent
the change that I am going through.

I felt good afterwards, but I think I was in a deeper state the first time around. I’m not sure why that is, but
nonetheless, I have the tape that was recorded during the session, along with the tape from the first session, and he
suggested that I listen to them frequently, and I think I will do just that.

I’m very interested to see if the pain has increased but I haven’t pulled yet so I’m not sure. Hopefully I’ll be able
to make it for longer, this time. *crosses fingers*

I kinda gave up on the diet tracking.. I eat somewhat healthily most of the time, so I really don’t think that I
have excess sugar, caffeine, MSG, etc, to blame for increased pulling.

Welp, guess that’s it for now- wish me luck! Adios!

Tags: hypnosis, alternative healing, no harm, diet, hypnotherapy, ttm, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
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