Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

pulling more aggressively now…

have 3 small bald spots already ><    near around the back of my ears as they usually start.

I guess I gotta shave my head again this weekend.   I’m pretty sure now that my only hope is regular hypnosis, but … I am in nowhere near of a financial position to afford that right now.  so, looks like I’m stuck for a bit longer.  I do think that it may be the answer, though.. when I can afford it, hopefully someday not too much longer from now…

I’m going to see a friend from high school tomorrow, I always feel a bit awkward around her, since she was one of the few people that knew.  It’s actually prevented me from seeing her more, cuz I’m embarrassed my hair is still this way.  She was my best friend for over 5 years too, so I feel bad that I dont see her anymore… and the only real reason is because of this…

I thought earlier in the week, how nice it’d be that I’ll have some hair now that I see her again for the first time in over a year..   but, now I’ve got these bald patches to be concious of… so that means I’ll have to face her directly at all times and be careful about turning my head, or bending over or something.

*sigh*  =/

at least my eyebrows are starting to fill in a TEENY bit.    I’m seeing the guy I like in about 2 weeks (he’s been away) so I hope they’re at least half filled in by then….so they dont get rubbed off completely if we are intimate…. I hate having to be constantly worrying that I have no eyebrows anymore while in such a close setting with someone…

but yeah.. the hair….

it feels too good to stop, and even if I do stop, it only lasts for a few minutes before I give in again…   and of course biting the follicles only reinforces the cycle…

the hair on my arms is almost all grown in now, and it’s bothering me.  I really have to Nair it off in the next day or two, it’s longer than it has been in awhile.  ew.   That stuff I end up pulling cuz it LOOKS gross, not cuz it feels good to pull from there - because it doesn’t.  arm hair is purely for cosmetic reasons….   I’m sure most chicks wouldn’t let it bother them even thought it *is* a little dark, cuz most chicks aren’t totally fucking obsessed with …hair…

somehow, last year I made it long enough to get extensions put in.  I remember pulling quite a bit, and there were several large bald spots by the time it was the minimum 3 inches it needed to be …

woah, actually I remember it being so bad that I THOUGHT it was going to be too late… too much damage.. and I cried a lot over it…thinking I’d ruined it..

but even though 75% of my hair was gone (quite possibly the most I’ve ever pulled, actually)… the extensions still worked.  I was able to (most of the time) wrap the big puffy wool extension locks around in such a manner that it would hide the bald spots if I did it just right…

too bad they only last a few months. =/   and also, quite a bit of my little remaining hair was torn out even further when they were put in, due to the tightness necessary for them to attach and stay in…. so… even more damage…

anyhow.

I guess I’ll hang out with my friend tomorrow… and shave it off when I get home.  It’s only an inch long..only 3 weeks of growth.    It was Oct 22nd when I bic’ed it, and it’s Nov 13th now…

looks like I’m bald for awhile yet, still…

oh well.  must keep the rest of my life moving forward.

Tags: pulling lashes, cosmetic, obsession, restlessness, follicle biting, pulling at desk, awkwardness, pulling in class, body hair, grooming, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, hypnotherapy, pulling, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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Well, it’s been…  almost 2 months now since I did most of the damage from the most recent episode… (although I probably originally started up again almost 4 months ago)  and I still look like I was in some sort of horrific accident of some kind…. heh.

I have since seen my hypnotist, and I think it may have helped, although I have kept my hair so short until the rest finally grows in… so I haven’t had any hair to pull, anyway. I pray that it won’t be more than another 2 months before it all grows back in….it has made me so uncomfortable around friends, and my S.O  … having to hide it consistently for the last 2 months….  having to wear a hat to bed when I spend the night with him… how embarrassing and very humbling.   He, of course, knows of my problem and knows why I’m wearing the hat, but he offers very little support, if any.   He never inquires about how I’m doing with it,  well, sometimes he does, but it always to have the overtone of annoyance… well maybe not annoyance but it’s more like “so are you still pulling your hair out?”  because it bothers him.  Not to ask how I’m actually doing with it… but because it bothers HIM.    A nice way to add insult to injury.   Why are we human beings so selfish, and self-centered?

During the hypnosis we focused a little on the eyebrows, since those have become problematic again.  Well… typically I almost always do that with my right hand… since I’m right-handed… and it’s always the left eyebrow that suffers more.   My Dr. therefore gave more specific instructions for my right hand to …chill out, more or less… and that seems to have worked… although, now I’m pulling with my left hand!  lol.  So, the right eyebrow is mostly gone now.   ahh well.   I’ll be going back in another couple of weeks.. so we’ll try to fix that a little bit… hehe…

I’m also getting so sick and tired of wearing this goddamned bandana EVERY DAY I come in to work.  It’s so goddamned uncomfortable after a few hours.. I just want to rip the damn thing off….  *sigh*  ….. wigs are fun and all, but they itch after a couple of hours too…  they’re fun to wear as an OPTION and not a necessity…..  mehh…

Just realized my 10-year high school reunion is next year, as well…  I really really hope that I can get more of a handle on this before then….  that’s the last thing I need is to have my former classmates knowing…..

Tags: crown, hypnosis, hypnotherapy, eyebrows by Isis
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I decided to shave my head again. Mostly for cosmetic reasons, actually. I have been missing the look of a shaved head… the fact that there were lots of bald patches was secondary.

so, I haven’t been able to pull much, although my left eyebrow is mostly gone again. I still seem to have the urges less often than before I went to get hypnotised. I haven’t been back there in over a month and probably won’t be rushing back too soon, either, although I will definetely be back, maybe for some other reasons.

aside from that… nothing much to report. I would probably write more often if I knew people were reading, but according to my site statistics, hardly anyone is here, so there’s not much of a reason to try and write every few days, for the time being.

I did find some pictures though that I am planning on putting up at one point or another.

that’s it for now….

Tags: hypnosis, alternative healing, bald spots, hypnotherapy, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, eyebrows by Isis
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(last entry from previous diary!)

seems as is my bumblebee got the best of me, about a week ago.. I went through some unusual, highly stressful circumstances a couple days last week, which I won’t be elaborating on here… I pulled for I at least 5-6 hours nonstop, which was… the most in a very long while, but… there was pretty much nothing else I COULD do.
aaand that’s all I’m going to say about that here, no need to share the rest of the details, let’s just say it was… pretty fuckin stressful! (and unusual, as in, it should hopefully not be happening again… at least I hope not…lol) so, I wasn’t too hard on myself about it. I know now that that’s the most important thing. well, I’ve usually been pretty much ok with it most of the time, but sometimes if I went through a bad spot like that I’d kick myself for a long time afterwards.

so, I’m going back to see my buddy.. on Thursday.. fill him in on some of the details. hehe. I’m pretty sure he’ll
help get me back on track… I really was doing so well for awhile!

I’m also planning to go back to the “Mad Russian”, too, since he pretty much did nothing for me the first time. but, his policy is such that if seeing him once doesn’t do anything for you, he will see you again for free… .and I’m assuming probably gives you more specific attention (since this was done in a group setting for some reason…. ?????) yeah I didn’t quite get that part. oh well. *shrug* ..

just gotta find the time to go back. time for rest now. my boy kitty just started whining & crying in the other room for some unknown reason… lol.

oh, and as a last final note… I think I may be moving this journal, so I can use some actual blogging software, or something. sites like this one, and others, are nice cuz you can update blogs easily, but… there’s just hardly any options, it’s all rather oldsk00l. cool and shit, but I need to do more! plus, I’d like to add some sponser links.. I realized the other day just very much this disease has cost me in monetary terms… (it was one of the questions in a recent paid study I did at the MGH clinic in Boston) …..it’s really been hundreds of dollars!! =/ It was over 1k actually, (really nice wigs, and extensions as well, can host hundreds a pop..) plus the UV light (which actually seems to have helped, it does all sorts of other neat shit for your skin, too… $350 was the cheapest one I could find…) and whatever other like head grease crap to make my scalp feel a little better after I rip it apart for days at a time…..)

so.. meh, well, anyways…. long story short… if I could make some of that back… by talking about it and putting it out there… that would definetely be a nice offset to all of the insane amounts of money I’ve spent because of it…

well, anyways. that’s it for now. going to try and get wordpress going sometime this week, I hope. the url for this site (www.sanitywarp.org ) will remain the same. =)

Tags: relapse, mad russian, alternative healing, hypnosis, hypnotherapy by Isis
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oh my gosh.. I’m so happy about what happened today! I was standing behind the counter at work when I noticed this man,
probably late 40’s standing around looking for something. He asked me for some help finding something, and as we were
walking, my eyes were drawn to the back of his head. I noticed all along the nape of his neck, the hair was
noticeably missing, and had some red irritation marks that looked similar to what my scalp looks like when I have
recently pulled. I looked a little closer and noticed a fresh looking bald spot poking out just underneath the
bottom/back of his cap. I then realized that he was probably wearing the cap to cover his head, just the way I was
wearing my bandana at that very moment! The area of skin looked the way it would from pulling.. and not just regular hair loss. now, I always take particular notice of things like these, I guess cuz I’m always trying to find other people that might have
it (usually to no avail). well… after I helped him, I walked away, and paced around for a few minutes, wanting to say something to him but I needed to work up the guts and I also didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. he was standing around sort of aimlessly in the store though, not busy with anything in particular… so I went up to him and said… “hey… I’m
sorry if this is a weird question… but, umm… I noticed the back of your hair…do you have trich?”

He got a little flustered I think… and didn’t really know what I meant (I’m used to people not knowing that trich has
a name, even if they have it) so I elborated carefully, and told him that I’d had it for a long time and sometimes look for it, and try to chat/make friends with other people who do it, since it appears to be so uncommon. at first he played it off like
he had no idea what I was talking about but after another minute or two he opened up to me a little bit, and said that
he used to do it but didn’t anymore. I knew this was a fib, but I was just happy enough that he was talking to me
about it at all. He started asking, “oh, is that why you’re wearing the thing on your head?” and then he got really curious and wanted to see it. hehe. I just kept talking to him for a few minutes about the whole thing and mentioned that hypnotism worked well for me, and he said that he used to do yoga and that it seemed to help bring down the general urge to pull. Towards the end of the brief conversation though, (some customers came to the counter quickly enough, =( and I had to leave…) I did pull
over my bandana a little bit to show him some of the top, saying, ’see?’ He looked and said, “oh…. you’ve got it bad, huh?”, looking surprised. I laughed and said, “yeah, I do!”

so… that was the end of the little chat, I had to get back to work… but we introduced ourselves to each other and
shook hands. He works in the area I guess, so I’ll probably be seeing him again sometime! man, it was just a nice
feeling. I think it probably made him happy to meet me too… I really am a very nice young lady, as long as you
don’t piss me off…

so its been a little while now since the hypnosis, I’ve had a few average days since then where I would pull sorta
moderately (I’d say under 100 though!!) throughout the day… but overall, I am feeling so amazing about this and
the fact that it has seemed to help me in a way that nothing else has. I’ve already recommended Arthur to a friend of
mine with anxiety disorder… and he too feels like he’s finally starting to change..

ahh yay, life is good sometimes! I must get some rest now
though. cya laterz!

Tags: yoga, trichster, alternative healing, hypnotherapy by Isis
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