Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

in early February I was ecstatic.  I decided to try acrylic nails in hopes they would be a deterrant of the pulling.  And they worked wonderfully at first.  I wasn’t able to pull out a single hair for over 3 weeks!   I’ve had the acrylic nails for over a month now, and my eyebrows are fully grown back!  I haven’t been able to touch them at all.  so, I finally have my eyebrows back.  =)   It is SO nice not to have to worry about drawing them in everyday, or if I’ve done it evenly, or if they’re starting to smudge off…   no more!!

my hair, however, sadly went back to it’s normal state after it became too long for the fake nails to be of use.  While my hair was very short, I wasn’t able to get a good grip on the strands, but now that it’s over 3 inches long, I can get enough of a grasp on the strands to pull them out again.   Yes, it is still harder to do so, but it’s possible again.  So, sadly this wasn’t a cure-all for my hair…   but I would DEFINETELY recommend trying it.  Both to men and women.  Especially men, because I’m not sure what else a man could try, and I know how much harder it is to conceal spots when you have very short hair.   The way I did this was to get my thumb and forefinger set up with much longer nails (twice as long as usual) so that I couldn’t grip them together.  (A little out of the ordinary, and took getting used to, but SO very worth it.)

While I was getting them done, the lady asked if I played guitar.  I do happen to play guitar, so I said yes, but apparently she’s seen lots of MEN get acrylic nails only on their thumb and fore fingers for the purpose of guitar playing!  So, men… if you want to try this but feel awkward about it, simply say that you’re a guitar player!   I really think that this could help you a lot.  It worked incredbly well for me when my hair was very short.  I was so happy.  Not to mention, I have a nice full set of nails all the time now, instead of having NO nails from biting them.  And my real nails are growing long underneath them, so whenever I decide to stop doing the acrylics, I’ll have a nice long set of my own nails again!

In the meantime, the spot I posted before has about tripled in size (well, it was all the way back in January that I posted the pics, so it could be a lot worse and usually would be by now, if not for the acrylic nails…)  I have another large spot on the right side of my head… in it’s usual spot.   I’ve been using black permanant hair dye on my scalp to cover up the glaring white skin.  This has been working well 95% of the time (the only one who noticed was my significant other , but it’s really rather impossible to hide this stuff from him all the time…) and most people don’t even notice the bald spots or look at me long enough to realize there’s a big spot of black all over my scalp.  and I mean… it’s really large now.  I’ll post an updated photo soon.

A few days actually I pulled so long and so hard that my scalp was extremely sore for days  =(   I’ve been sitting in front of my l.e.d light hoping it will help to fix some of the awful damage I caused.

Later this month I am going back to chicago to see Rae from Hair Alchemy.  I’m so excited!!  we’re going to try a different type of hair extension this time, just regular synthetic hair as opposed to the wool strands I got before to keep my head warm (which worked very nicely, and were really cute too!)   I’m going to get mostly black, with some pink mixed in.  She also said it shouldn’t be too much of a problem to concel the large spots I have now, even though the big one is partially right in the middle of my crown.  She’ll be able to thread the hair a certain way to cover it!  I can’t wait!   That’s going to happen in just 9 more days  =)

I really hope I can try to control myself a bit before then, because I’ve really been loosing control again since I’ve been able to pull the hair strands again.  I didn’t have this spot on the right side a week ago and it’s very big now =/

anyways, that’s it for now, but I leave you men and women with the following recommendations:

- try acrylic nails!!! they take some getting used to, but  they WILL help as a deterrant!!
- use permanant black (or brown) dye on your scalp if you have dark hair, to conceal your bald spots.  you will need to reapply it frequently but it really does a great job concealing your spots, you will feel so much better!!

xoxo,
Isis

Tags: sore, pulling in bed, l.e.d. light healing, pulling at desk, acrylic nails, tips, hair dye, nail biting, bald spots, hair extensions, ttm, hair alchemy, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, pulling, trich by Isis
1 Comment »

it’s awful.
I took pictures today. the spot started off being the size of a dime, within the week it had turned into what it is now. it happened, as it usually does, very fuckin’ rapidly.

spot pic 1
pic 2

this is what happens every time I try to grow my hair out in the last several years. I don’t even know how many times I’ve tried to grow it - I’ve lost count.

although it looks disgusting and freaks me out… I can’t stop. I’m even pulling right now. I’m already back under the spell … the satisfying feel of the pull.. the sound it makes … seeing how many fat follicles I’ve gotten with each pull. biting them between my teeth when I get a good one. pulling to get more good ones, and being annoyed when there aren’t any …

my fingertips are sore; my scalp is too. it’s red from the abuse. I’ve been sitting, hunched over at my LED light each night feeling like a cancer patient going for some kind of radiation… then applying “do gro” cream to the spot …

the same ritual I’ve done for 2+ years now, it’s so awful … I feel so weird while going through the motions.. and let’s not forget the time consumption..

my room is surrounded by wigs, I have so many of them now. there’s fake hair EVERYWHERE.

yet I can’t stop, now that my hair is long enough to pull. I did notice that I have been able to stop myself a bit more than usual lately, by trying to remind myself that no matter HOW good it feels, the feeling is NOT worth the misery for so many months afterward.

I don’t know what I’m going to do to hide this =( the BF is going to see it soon, there’s no way he won’t… it’s really hard to hide since my hair is so short, there’s nothing to cover it. and I can’t wear a wig to bed… or a hat! =( I mean, the spot is even big enough now that if he rubs his hand over my head, he’ll FEEL it, even if it’s totally dark in the room.

I’m frantically searching for some way to make my own extensions ….to cover the spot and also keep my fingers from getting at my hair… but my hair isnt even really long enough to put clips into yet, ones that will stay, anyway. =( how do men hide it?? I think I’m going to try and find out what guys do… because my hair is as short as most guy’s hair is , right now…

*sigh* … I rubbed the spot just now, since it’s sore … the fresh bald spots always feel so weird, almost like… rubbery… the skin is just so bare and raw feeling… its like rubber…

it won’t be long now before there are spots of this size in other places, too … its the same pattern that happens time and time again…

I wonder… maybe, if I got some fake plastic nails … long ones on my thumb and index finger… if I’d be unable to get a good grip then…

hmm… might have to look into it…

man… I really hope some new solutions for trich sufferers come out in the next few years… it’s starting to become well-enough known about now that I’m sure there have to be people working on things…

Tags: follicle obsession, follicles, l.e.d. light healing, pictures, follicle biting, pulling in bed, relapse, trichster, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »

I had to buzz off what remained of my hair, a few days ago. I really tried hard to resist the urges but the Trich monster has a really tight grip on me right now. I am going through a lot of stress, there’s so much to juggle right now… its crunch time at school, I’m really worried about passing with good grades because the final assingments suddenly got extremely difficult…

I’m so dissapointed but at the same time I’m trying to just move on, sit in front of my heat lamp, massage my scalp with oil… and wait until it grows back to try all over again. I haven’t had any time to make an appointment to see Dr. Schwartz (hypnotist) since now I am going to chiropractic appointments 3 times a week to try and correct the issues I’ve been having with my back, right arm, etc.

I’m petrified that people are going to see my scalp like this, in it’s severely wounded state. I just want to avoid everyone and everything…. but I can’t. =( all I can do is wear my hats and wigs and try and hope that no one’s going to ask to see my hair. But this happens ALL the fucking time. Why this is, I do not know, but for some fucked up reason, people are always asking to see my hair. They are EXTREMELY interested in it. It’s always been like that. I really don’t know WHY, but it only makes things worse. What exactly is so goddamned interesting about MY hair?? or lack thereof? why are fuckin people always asking to see it? It’s almost as if it’s because of my trich that this happens, I mean… fuck!! =( why is my hair so interesting to other people, huh??

I decided to take some pictures….. for myself, really… I have done so a few times before… so I figured I will put them here…. to show just how bad it has become…. it definetely has gotten worse in the last 6 months… before, it used to be just a few (largeish) SPOTS here and there…. but now, instead of spots…. they are huge pathways across my entire head….

I used to look at photos of trich online and think to myself, “well… I may have it bad… but at least I don’t have it THAT bad..”

well… now I do have it that bad…..

so, here they are, be aware that they are somewhat disturbing…..

left side
1
2
3
right side
1
2

crown
1
2
3

so yeah… I couldn’t find an extensionist in time… all of this happened over the last 3 weeks or so……. the crown most recently… for that was all that I had had left after taking the sides off… (I usually start at the sides)
the pics are somewhat reddish tinted, that’s because of the heat lamp…. and by the way, I am now very sure that the lamp does indeed help in speeding up the regrowth process. so if you have severe trich, you may want to look into getting one… I’ll try and find some links for those soon… but for now I have to go… so many things to do… and so little time… =/

and oh yeah… only a mere 2 days after buzzing off my remaining hair… half of my left eyebrow is gone again… after they’d both almost completely filled in, finally… and almost all of my nails are gone now too…. =(

Tags: self esteem, relapse, crown, pulling eyebrows, nail biting, pictures, l.e.d. light healing, bald spots, pulling from scalp, trich, stress, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling, depression, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »

left eyebrow is still totally bare.   in fact, I picked a few more barely grown hairs just the other night.   poor innocent little hairs just trying to grow…  

the right side is about halfway filled in from my last episode.   have been mostly successful in leaving that one alone for the time being.  must be cuz I’m right handed… just more natural to pull from the left side…

saw my parents a few days ago, and my mother very tactfully said, “do you know your eyebrows don’t match?”    ………  yeah, thanks.   she knows the fuckin story with it.   I didn’t take much time in drawing it on cuz I didn’t think I NEEDED to, around my family…. but that really pissed me off.   When I got angry she defended herself by saying she thought it was something “for Halloween” …. yeah, even though it was AFTER Halloween.   okay.     I left right after that.

going to FL for a week to relax and soak in the rays.   hopefully that will help the regrowth cycle….. this bald spot right near my forehead has got me kinda worried.   those are usually the slowest areas to grow back.  The hair is so fine there, so maybe it takes longer to regrow itself because of that.  I’m not sure…..  but I really hope it doesn’t take months on end… cuz it’s pretty difficult to hide it… =/      I’m about to bleach my hair so the spots aren’t as noticeable (which is what I usually do when it starts getting longer) … it’s about an inch long now.   needs to be around 3 inches for the extensions, which I still haven’t figured out where to go for them yet….. since I never did find anyone local to me…  =(
hopefully that search will go better this time… *crosses fingers*
have been using my LED light and taking Biotin for a couple of weeks now as well.

so… wish me luck.

Tags: pulling eyebrows, l.e.d. light healing, biotin, trichster, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, eyebrows by Isis
No Comments »

guess I’ve been letting the stress get to me.   keep pulling away, now there’s a highly noticeable spot on the left side of my forehead… ughh.    going to be pretty impossible to hide that unless maybe I use some colored eyebrow pencil….

*sigh*

gotta use my LED light as much as possible.   seemed to help a lot with the last round of pulling I’d done on my scalp about 6 weeks ago - some of that is already starting to fill in slightly… thank god.    hopefully I can find a new, LOCAL, extensionist around here somewhere…   cuz I really can’t afford to fly all the way back out to Chicago so I can go back to Hair Alchemy (although Rae is just amazing…..I WISH I could afford to go back to her….)  

last time I looked about 6 months ago though, finding what I wanted around here in the Boston area was pretty impossible.   =*(    here’s hoping I might have a little bit better luck this time… and that my hair can grow back somewhat quickly… I’ve been taking Biotin every day again, too, hoping that it helps.  Not sure if it really does or not, but hey…. doesn’t hurt…..

also going to spend almost a week in FL later this month.  I think some long hours in the sun will help… usually does……

tryin not to get really bummed out but it definetely sucks.   been working on a project lately, last night I did a lot of work on it and couldnt seem to stop my hand from going up….  was pickin at the right eyebrow a little bit too, but managed not to do too much damage there, this time………

well… so that’s my update… heh.    cya….

Tags: trichster, crown, relapse, l.e.d. light healing, bald spots, pulling, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, stress by Isis
No Comments »