Entries Tagged as 'nail biting'

lalala…

had some tension-free periods of time there for a bit but two things of note..

a few days ago, the hard acrylic nail chipped on one of my thumbnails, exposing the real nail.    I was able to ignore this for a couple days, knowing that I’d be back to get my nails done sometime in the next week - but I started to chew on the nail after a couple of days.  I bit the nail pretty far down… certainly the shortest it’s been in a very long time.     and then…  I started tugging at my left eyebrow.     There’s a very big bald patch in it now.   That is the first time that I’ve pulled my eyebrows in like 6 months or so  =(  …. (since I’ve been getting the acrylic nails) …so, guess I won’t be taking the acrylic nails off anytime soon.  Not only did I bite the nail down but I proceeded to yank out my nice full eyebrow, which has been allowed to grow in for the first time in years.  luckily I was able to stop before I started on the right brow.     guess that proves my wishful thinking wrong - I was just starting to think to myself,  ’wow, maybe I can stop having this done soon and have my regular nails again.’

nope. 

today I pulled after a long, productive and generally cleansing day around the house (I thoroughly cleaned my bedroom, and got the roommates to help me clean the ENTIRE apartment, cleaner than it’s ever been before… QUITE the accomplishment living with 3 college dudes…)  but, I let myself keep going for awhile, simply because I felt like I’d earned a little bit of a break.  and plus, it was so extremely relaxing….. I really felt like the rest of my leftover tension just floated into the air… it was definitely theraputic..of course then, however, I couldn’t stop at just 10-20 minutes of pulling,  I went for about 2 hours.  Just now I finally put a bandana over my (now almost entirely bald on top)  head.   Only 10 more days until I see Rae from Hair Alchemy again and see what she can do to help me.  She did a great job last time, but much of my hair was too short to be put into the extensions.  That hair happened to be all the hair on my crown that is now 95% gone…    but, there’s a little tiny bit more than there was last time, so hopefully a couple of new strands will make a difference. well that’s it for now.  and thanks for the comments…  reminds me that I’m not alone  :) 

acrylic nails, black hair dye…

in early February I was ecstatic.  I decided to try acrylic nails in hopes they would be a deterrant of the pulling.  And they worked wonderfully at first.  I wasn’t able to pull out a single hair for over 3 weeks!   I’ve had the acrylic nails for over a month now, and my eyebrows are fully grown back!  I haven’t been able to touch them at all.  so, I finally have my eyebrows back.  =)   It is SO nice not to have to worry about drawing them in everyday, or if I’ve done it evenly, or if they’re starting to smudge off…   no more!!

my hair, however, sadly went back to it’s normal state after it became too long for the fake nails to be of use.  While my hair was very short, I wasn’t able to get a good grip on the strands, but now that it’s over 3 inches long, I can get enough of a grasp on the strands to pull them out again.   Yes, it is still harder to do so, but it’s possible again.  So, sadly this wasn’t a cure-all for my hair…   but I would DEFINETELY recommend trying it.  Both to men and women.  Especially men, because I’m not sure what else a man could try, and I know how much harder it is to conceal spots when you have very short hair.   The way I did this was to get my thumb and forefinger set up with much longer nails (twice as long as usual) so that I couldn’t grip them together.  (A little out of the ordinary, and took getting used to, but SO very worth it.)

While I was getting them done, the lady asked if I played guitar.  I do happen to play guitar, so I said yes, but apparently she’s seen lots of MEN get acrylic nails only on their thumb and fore fingers for the purpose of guitar playing!  So, men… if you want to try this but feel awkward about it, simply say that you’re a guitar player!   I really think that this could help you a lot.  It worked incredbly well for me when my hair was very short.  I was so happy.  Not to mention, I have a nice full set of nails all the time now, instead of having NO nails from biting them.  And my real nails are growing long underneath them, so whenever I decide to stop doing the acrylics, I’ll have a nice long set of my own nails again!

In the meantime, the spot I posted before has about tripled in size (well, it was all the way back in January that I posted the pics, so it could be a lot worse and usually would be by now, if not for the acrylic nails…)  I have another large spot on the right side of my head… in it’s usual spot.   I’ve been using black permanant hair dye on my scalp to cover up the glaring white skin.  This has been working well 95% of the time (the only one who noticed was my significant other , but it’s really rather impossible to hide this stuff from him all the time…) and most people don’t even notice the bald spots or look at me long enough to realize there’s a big spot of black all over my scalp.  and I mean… it’s really large now.  I’ll post an updated photo soon.

A few days actually I pulled so long and so hard that my scalp was extremely sore for days  =(   I’ve been sitting in front of my l.e.d light hoping it will help to fix some of the awful damage I caused.

Later this month I am going back to chicago to see Rae from Hair Alchemy.  I’m so excited!!  we’re going to try a different type of hair extension this time, just regular synthetic hair as opposed to the wool strands I got before to keep my head warm (which worked very nicely, and were really cute too!)   I’m going to get mostly black, with some pink mixed in.  She also said it shouldn’t be too much of a problem to concel the large spots I have now, even though the big one is partially right in the middle of my crown.  She’ll be able to thread the hair a certain way to cover it!  I can’t wait!   That’s going to happen in just 9 more days  =)

I really hope I can try to control myself a bit before then, because I’ve really been loosing control again since I’ve been able to pull the hair strands again.  I didn’t have this spot on the right side a week ago and it’s very big now =/

anyways, that’s it for now, but I leave you men and women with the following recommendations:

- try acrylic nails!!! they take some getting used to, but  they WILL help as a deterrant!!
- use permanant black (or brown) dye on your scalp if you have dark hair, to conceal your bald spots.  you will need to reapply it frequently but it really does a great job concealing your spots, you will feel so much better!!

xoxo,
Isis

message to myself ~

not having any fingernails is NOT very comfortable …  and is a huge pain in the ass, not to mention looks awful.

nails = good

update

It’s been awhile. No news is good news, right? Well… sort of.

My hair is finally 95% grown back on my head. There are still a few small spots that are noticeable – but they’re so small that they look like the small scars or bare spots that many normal people have on their heads.

I’ve decided to keep my head shaved for the summer. It looks good, requires pretty minimal effort to maintain (20 minutes once per week isn’t so bad, and now that I’ve cut off the pieces of hair in the front, back, and sideburns, its even less effort to maintain) … and with no bald spots at all, my self confidence has risen quite a bit. For the time being, anyone who meets me, or any of the new friends I have acquired recently, think I am just a girl with a shaved head. Since I am not afraid to proudly walk with my head uncovered (now that those spots have finally filled in), no one knows the truth… and I am fairly certain that if I did attempt to grow my hair back, the same cycle would repeat itself… and then I’d have to deal with bald spots again. After so many months of the year having to hide, it feels really good not having to hide. Not to have that terrible, dark reality lurking just underneath something as simple as a piece of thin cloth that could be pulled off at any time, or a wig that I have NO choice BUT to wear. I’ve felt so relieved lately, to finally feel at least somewhat normal. So… although I still would ultimately like to have long hair again, I am keeping it short for awhile longer so that I can enjoy this wonderful little vacation from that shame, fear, and sadness. Maybe I can get a better grip on the trich monster, the longer I can’t pull the hair from there.

My eyebrows haven’t grown back yet, as I semi-ravaged them again on two occasions over this last month. Both were in bed, again. One was first thing in the morning, and one was at night just before bed. I’m tempted to shave those off again too, but I think that with a shaved head, it’s a lot more important to have real eyebrows. A bald head and no eyebrows just looks too strange; sickly.

I am still dealing with some frustration, fear, and stress, and that is when my drawn-on eyebrows start to smudge. Or, in the morning, when I pray that the makeup is still on, and I wake up next to the new guy I’ve been seeing. I don’t think he’s taken too much notice yet, I made sure to voice the fact that I sometimes shave them and that right now they’re in a frustrating “growing in” stage, which is true. But, it still is embarrassing and it still doesn’t make me look very good, so I really hope that I can let them fill in properly.

I’ve been biting my nails a lot suddenly, again. I seem to go through lapses. Almost all of them have been bitten down, and I can’t scratch my itches very well anymore. Maybe it’s because of the lack of hair-pulling. I do still pull from my pubic area from time to time when I go without shaving for a few days. I don’t mind pulling from there at all, since it lasts longer than shaving it, but I wonder if it’s just as bad to keep pulling there because I am reinforcing the habit of pulling, even though it’s in a different spot.

Perhaps in just a few more weeks, I’ll have two fully grown eyebrows, and 10 long nails again. I hope so.

falling

I had to buzz off what remained of my hair, a few days ago. I really tried hard to resist the urges but the Trich monster has a really tight grip on me right now. I am going through a lot of stress, there’s so much to juggle right now… its crunch time at school, I’m really worried about passing with good grades because the final assingments suddenly got extremely difficult…

I’m so dissapointed but at the same time I’m trying to just move on, sit in front of my heat lamp, massage my scalp with oil… and wait until it grows back to try all over again. I haven’t had any time to make an appointment to see Dr. Schwartz (hypnotist) since now I am going to chiropractic appointments 3 times a week to try and correct the issues I’ve been having with my back, right arm, etc.

I’m petrified that people are going to see my scalp like this, in it’s severely wounded state. I just want to avoid everyone and everything…. but I can’t. =( all I can do is wear my hats and wigs and try and hope that no one’s going to ask to see my hair. But this happens ALL the fucking time. Why this is, I do not know, but for some fucked up reason, people are always asking to see my hair. They are EXTREMELY interested in it. It’s always been like that. I really don’t know WHY, but it only makes things worse. What exactly is so goddamned interesting about MY hair?? or lack thereof? why are fuckin people always asking to see it? It’s almost as if it’s because of my trich that this happens, I mean… fuck!! =( why is my hair so interesting to other people, huh??

I decided to take some pictures….. for myself, really… I have done so a few times before… so I figured I will put them here…. to show just how bad it has become…. it definetely has gotten worse in the last 6 months… before, it used to be just a few (largeish) SPOTS here and there…. but now, instead of spots…. they are huge pathways across my entire head….

I used to look at photos of trich online and think to myself, “well… I may have it bad… but at least I don’t have it THAT bad..”

well… now I do have it that bad…..

so, here they are, be aware that they are somewhat disturbing…..

left side
1
2
3
right side
1
2

crown
1
2
3

so yeah… I couldn’t find an extensionist in time… all of this happened over the last 3 weeks or so……. the crown most recently… for that was all that I had had left after taking the sides off… (I usually start at the sides)
the pics are somewhat reddish tinted, that’s because of the heat lamp…. and by the way, I am now very sure that the lamp does indeed help in speeding up the regrowth process. so if you have severe trich, you may want to look into getting one… I’ll try and find some links for those soon… but for now I have to go… so many things to do… and so little time… =/

and oh yeah… only a mere 2 days after buzzing off my remaining hair… half of my left eyebrow is gone again… after they’d both almost completely filled in, finally… and almost all of my nails are gone now too…. =(