update
It’s been awhile. No news is good news, right? Well… sort of.
My hair is finally 95% grown back on my head. There are still a few small spots that are noticeable – but they’re so small that they look like the small scars or bare spots that many normal people have on their heads.
I’ve decided to keep my head shaved for the summer. It looks good, requires pretty minimal effort to maintain (20 minutes once per week isn’t so bad, and now that I’ve cut off the pieces of hair in the front, back, and sideburns, its even less effort to maintain) … and with no bald spots at all, my self confidence has risen quite a bit. For the time being, anyone who meets me, or any of the new friends I have acquired recently, think I am just a girl with a shaved head. Since I am not afraid to proudly walk with my head uncovered (now that those spots have finally filled in), no one knows the truth… and I am fairly certain that if I did attempt to grow my hair back, the same cycle would repeat itself… and then I’d have to deal with bald spots again. After so many months of the year having to hide, it feels really good not having to hide. Not to have that terrible, dark reality lurking just underneath something as simple as a piece of thin cloth that could be pulled off at any time, or a wig that I have NO choice BUT to wear. I’ve felt so relieved lately, to finally feel at least somewhat normal. So… although I still would ultimately like to have long hair again, I am keeping it short for awhile longer so that I can enjoy this wonderful little vacation from that shame, fear, and sadness. Maybe I can get a better grip on the trich monster, the longer I can’t pull the hair from there.
My eyebrows haven’t grown back yet, as I semi-ravaged them again on two occasions over this last month. Both were in bed, again. One was first thing in the morning, and one was at night just before bed. I’m tempted to shave those off again too, but I think that with a shaved head, it’s a lot more important to have real eyebrows. A bald head and no eyebrows just looks too strange; sickly.
I am still dealing with some frustration, fear, and stress, and that is when my drawn-on eyebrows start to smudge. Or, in the morning, when I pray that the makeup is still on, and I wake up next to the new guy I’ve been seeing. I don’t think he’s taken too much notice yet, I made sure to voice the fact that I sometimes shave them and that right now they’re in a frustrating “growing in” stage, which is true. But, it still is embarrassing and it still doesn’t make me look very good, so I really hope that I can let them fill in properly.
I’ve been biting my nails a lot suddenly, again. I seem to go through lapses. Almost all of them have been bitten down, and I can’t scratch my itches very well anymore. Maybe it’s because of the lack of hair-pulling. I do still pull from my pubic area from time to time when I go without shaving for a few days. I don’t mind pulling from there at all, since it lasts longer than shaving it, but I wonder if it’s just as bad to keep pulling there because I am reinforcing the habit of pulling, even though it’s in a different spot.
Perhaps in just a few more weeks, I’ll have two fully grown eyebrows, and 10 long nails again. I hope so.