Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

The extension cap has moved further back and is exposing the crown, which I’ve already caused a lot of damage to.  The snow DID indeed cause my appointment last week to be cancelled, and my only other option was to wait an entire week to schedule for the following Wednesday.  Thanks a lot, New England.

In this time I’ve been particularly bad.  I haven’t seen my temporary therapist in some time now and I don’t much see the point of even going to see her at this point as my regular therapist is almost back from her leave.  I will probably see the temporary one more time in the interim.   And hopefully my appointment this Weds will be kept, although it looks like we’re getting even more snow soon. Wonderful!    If not for my appointment getting cancelled last week, none of this severe crown damage would have happened. I am very upset about it.  =(   It’s going to take a very long time for that to grow back now.

The hair on my sides is entirely missing again, as it usually is, but thankfully the extension cap does a good job at hiding this.  The pain and soreness of my scalp is a depressing reminder of the tearing and ripping ..  which I did some of… but usually, it was the singular pulls, and that’s really what kept me locked into doing it for so long.  Everything about it…  the feeling of the hair.  The pleasurable feeling when the hair was pulled… the sound it makes.  Somehow even the sound is good right now.  And of course the biting of the follicle.I just try to remember that right now I’m in a pulling state … and that for awhile, my mind was completely removed from all of this and in a more normal state.  I will be able to get back there again, but I’m going to need the help I was getting before.  And until then, all I can do is try and hide it.  =/

Tags: pulling in bed, obsession, follicle obsession, sore, follicle biting, embarrassment, pulling in morning, pulling in class, follicles, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, depression, pulling from scalp, crown, trichster, bald spots, trich by Isis
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pulling more aggressively now…

have 3 small bald spots already ><    near around the back of my ears as they usually start.

I guess I gotta shave my head again this weekend.   I’m pretty sure now that my only hope is regular hypnosis, but … I am in nowhere near of a financial position to afford that right now.  so, looks like I’m stuck for a bit longer.  I do think that it may be the answer, though.. when I can afford it, hopefully someday not too much longer from now…

I’m going to see a friend from high school tomorrow, I always feel a bit awkward around her, since she was one of the few people that knew.  It’s actually prevented me from seeing her more, cuz I’m embarrassed my hair is still this way.  She was my best friend for over 5 years too, so I feel bad that I dont see her anymore… and the only real reason is because of this…

I thought earlier in the week, how nice it’d be that I’ll have some hair now that I see her again for the first time in over a year..   but, now I’ve got these bald patches to be concious of… so that means I’ll have to face her directly at all times and be careful about turning my head, or bending over or something.

*sigh*  =/

at least my eyebrows are starting to fill in a TEENY bit.    I’m seeing the guy I like in about 2 weeks (he’s been away) so I hope they’re at least half filled in by then….so they dont get rubbed off completely if we are intimate…. I hate having to be constantly worrying that I have no eyebrows anymore while in such a close setting with someone…

but yeah.. the hair….

it feels too good to stop, and even if I do stop, it only lasts for a few minutes before I give in again…   and of course biting the follicles only reinforces the cycle…

the hair on my arms is almost all grown in now, and it’s bothering me.  I really have to Nair it off in the next day or two, it’s longer than it has been in awhile.  ew.   That stuff I end up pulling cuz it LOOKS gross, not cuz it feels good to pull from there - because it doesn’t.  arm hair is purely for cosmetic reasons….   I’m sure most chicks wouldn’t let it bother them even thought it *is* a little dark, cuz most chicks aren’t totally fucking obsessed with …hair…

somehow, last year I made it long enough to get extensions put in.  I remember pulling quite a bit, and there were several large bald spots by the time it was the minimum 3 inches it needed to be …

woah, actually I remember it being so bad that I THOUGHT it was going to be too late… too much damage.. and I cried a lot over it…thinking I’d ruined it..

but even though 75% of my hair was gone (quite possibly the most I’ve ever pulled, actually)… the extensions still worked.  I was able to (most of the time) wrap the big puffy wool extension locks around in such a manner that it would hide the bald spots if I did it just right…

too bad they only last a few months. =/   and also, quite a bit of my little remaining hair was torn out even further when they were put in, due to the tightness necessary for them to attach and stay in…. so… even more damage…

anyhow.

I guess I’ll hang out with my friend tomorrow… and shave it off when I get home.  It’s only an inch long..only 3 weeks of growth.    It was Oct 22nd when I bic’ed it, and it’s Nov 13th now…

looks like I’m bald for awhile yet, still…

oh well.  must keep the rest of my life moving forward.

Tags: pulling lashes, cosmetic, obsession, restlessness, follicle biting, pulling at desk, awkwardness, pulling in class, body hair, grooming, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, hypnotherapy, pulling, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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Along with having trich, I have somewhat of an obsession with poking/messing with blemishes.  On my face, but also if I see something on another part of my body (an ingrown hair on my leg for example) I will squeeze that until it’s gone, too.   Yesterday I noticed a couple of really bothersome blemishes on the underside of my chin.  Although they were not very, umm..  “ready” to be squeezed, I squeezed them really really hard until finally they broke.   One of them looks really awful today.  The skin around the blemish is red and swollen… hurts a lot.  But of course, I saw it was starting to form a head again, so I tried, even though the area is obviously very damaged, to squeeze it again.  I was unsuccessful this time.   Now I’m left with a gigantic, awful, deep red bump that is throbbing slightly in continous pain.    As a part time model, this is particularly bad for me.  I REALLY should not do this, but I just can’t stop myself, no matter how hard I try.  If I see a blemish, I have to get rid of it, and in the process sometimes I am causing scars.   I read somewhere in an article awhile back that in 20 years or so, my skin’s gonna look REALLY bad from all of this picking.  Apparently, your skin is durable enough during youth that it can recover somewhat quickly from this type of abuse, but the apperance of the damage is just delayed.   Therefore, anyone who is abusive to their skin in this way, is going to see the results emerge later on.  =(

sometimes I think it might be a good idea to just do away with mirrors.  They seem to be a large part of the problem…. sigh..

oh, I added some new google links to the right side over there.  Please click on a few of them whenever you visit, it would be much appreciated…. thanks

Tags: skin picking, obsession by Isis
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