Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

it’s awful.
I took pictures today. the spot started off being the size of a dime, within the week it had turned into what it is now. it happened, as it usually does, very fuckin’ rapidly.

spot pic 1
pic 2

this is what happens every time I try to grow my hair out in the last several years. I don’t even know how many times I’ve tried to grow it - I’ve lost count.

although it looks disgusting and freaks me out… I can’t stop. I’m even pulling right now. I’m already back under the spell … the satisfying feel of the pull.. the sound it makes … seeing how many fat follicles I’ve gotten with each pull. biting them between my teeth when I get a good one. pulling to get more good ones, and being annoyed when there aren’t any …

my fingertips are sore; my scalp is too. it’s red from the abuse. I’ve been sitting, hunched over at my LED light each night feeling like a cancer patient going for some kind of radiation… then applying “do gro” cream to the spot …

the same ritual I’ve done for 2+ years now, it’s so awful … I feel so weird while going through the motions.. and let’s not forget the time consumption..

my room is surrounded by wigs, I have so many of them now. there’s fake hair EVERYWHERE.

yet I can’t stop, now that my hair is long enough to pull. I did notice that I have been able to stop myself a bit more than usual lately, by trying to remind myself that no matter HOW good it feels, the feeling is NOT worth the misery for so many months afterward.

I don’t know what I’m going to do to hide this =( the BF is going to see it soon, there’s no way he won’t… it’s really hard to hide since my hair is so short, there’s nothing to cover it. and I can’t wear a wig to bed… or a hat! =( I mean, the spot is even big enough now that if he rubs his hand over my head, he’ll FEEL it, even if it’s totally dark in the room.

I’m frantically searching for some way to make my own extensions ….to cover the spot and also keep my fingers from getting at my hair… but my hair isnt even really long enough to put clips into yet, ones that will stay, anyway. =( how do men hide it?? I think I’m going to try and find out what guys do… because my hair is as short as most guy’s hair is , right now…

*sigh* … I rubbed the spot just now, since it’s sore … the fresh bald spots always feel so weird, almost like… rubbery… the skin is just so bare and raw feeling… its like rubber…

it won’t be long now before there are spots of this size in other places, too … its the same pattern that happens time and time again…

I wonder… maybe, if I got some fake plastic nails … long ones on my thumb and index finger… if I’d be unable to get a good grip then…

hmm… might have to look into it…

man… I really hope some new solutions for trich sufferers come out in the next few years… it’s starting to become well-enough known about now that I’m sure there have to be people working on things…

Tags: follicle obsession, follicles, l.e.d. light healing, pictures, follicle biting, pulling in bed, relapse, trichster, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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I had to buzz off what remained of my hair, a few days ago. I really tried hard to resist the urges but the Trich monster has a really tight grip on me right now. I am going through a lot of stress, there’s so much to juggle right now… its crunch time at school, I’m really worried about passing with good grades because the final assingments suddenly got extremely difficult…

I’m so dissapointed but at the same time I’m trying to just move on, sit in front of my heat lamp, massage my scalp with oil… and wait until it grows back to try all over again. I haven’t had any time to make an appointment to see Dr. Schwartz (hypnotist) since now I am going to chiropractic appointments 3 times a week to try and correct the issues I’ve been having with my back, right arm, etc.

I’m petrified that people are going to see my scalp like this, in it’s severely wounded state. I just want to avoid everyone and everything…. but I can’t. =( all I can do is wear my hats and wigs and try and hope that no one’s going to ask to see my hair. But this happens ALL the fucking time. Why this is, I do not know, but for some fucked up reason, people are always asking to see my hair. They are EXTREMELY interested in it. It’s always been like that. I really don’t know WHY, but it only makes things worse. What exactly is so goddamned interesting about MY hair?? or lack thereof? why are fuckin people always asking to see it? It’s almost as if it’s because of my trich that this happens, I mean… fuck!! =( why is my hair so interesting to other people, huh??

I decided to take some pictures….. for myself, really… I have done so a few times before… so I figured I will put them here…. to show just how bad it has become…. it definetely has gotten worse in the last 6 months… before, it used to be just a few (largeish) SPOTS here and there…. but now, instead of spots…. they are huge pathways across my entire head….

I used to look at photos of trich online and think to myself, “well… I may have it bad… but at least I don’t have it THAT bad..”

well… now I do have it that bad…..

so, here they are, be aware that they are somewhat disturbing…..

left side
1
2
3
right side
1
2

crown
1
2
3

so yeah… I couldn’t find an extensionist in time… all of this happened over the last 3 weeks or so……. the crown most recently… for that was all that I had had left after taking the sides off… (I usually start at the sides)
the pics are somewhat reddish tinted, that’s because of the heat lamp…. and by the way, I am now very sure that the lamp does indeed help in speeding up the regrowth process. so if you have severe trich, you may want to look into getting one… I’ll try and find some links for those soon… but for now I have to go… so many things to do… and so little time… =/

and oh yeah… only a mere 2 days after buzzing off my remaining hair… half of my left eyebrow is gone again… after they’d both almost completely filled in, finally… and almost all of my nails are gone now too…. =(

Tags: self esteem, relapse, crown, pulling eyebrows, nail biting, pictures, l.e.d. light healing, bald spots, pulling from scalp, trich, stress, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling, depression, eyebrows by Isis
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