Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

well, it’s been a month now since I started cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).I am sad to say that I don’t see much of a difference yet.  My awareness has been increased a bit, but it has gotten no easier to stop the behavior, despite coming up with a list of incompatible behaviors (putting a hat or gloves on, clasping hands, moving around, etc) … the urge is just too strong for any of that to work.

so, I am taking the plunge and trying medication to go along with the CBT, which is the most successful way of going about this…….I am not sure which medication will be tried first, but I am sure there will be a period of unpleasant trial and error, and I’m sure I’m not going to like the side effects of whatever SSRI I am taking… but… at this point, I am willing to sacrifice other things (like my sexual functionality, which is what the Cymbalta / Duloxetine messed with when I tried it, and the main reason I stopped taking it) to try and conquer this…  if there’s any time to really try medication again, it’s right now.. I seem to have no other choice.  It’s becoming incredibly difficult and frustrating to hide my scalp, which is at least 50% bare, especially from my significant other.  It actually distresses me quite a lot when he wants to spend the night with me now, because it’s extremely uncomfortable to sleep with clip-on extensions (they pull at the hair I do have, making my scalp very sore in the morning)  aside from the fact that the hair is all gross and poor quality now because of sleeping on it so often.  I like seeing him but I find myself wishing he didn’t call me so much, just because of the hair thing…  *sigh* I should be happy to spend time with him =(

I had a massive session just now while writing a final paper for school.  It was just awful… I couldn’t stop.  I even pulled my pubic hair (after I tried putting on a hat, the trich monster just moved along somewhere else) for over 20 minutes which is something I haven’t done in a REALLY long time.  :(

I did dye my roots last night in hopes I won’t get stuck in the mirror pulling all my numerous amounts of grays anymore….

I really hope I can get better.  :(

I will update as things progress..

Tags: school stress, pulling at night, pulling at desk, follicle biting, peer pressure, embarrassment, mgh trich clinic boston, pubic area, significant other, anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, treatmeant, restlessness, white hair, trich, ttm, medication, stress, cymbalta, hair extensions, trichotillomania, bald spots, crown, pulling from scalp, pulling, depression, duloxetine by Isis
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wow, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated.  I guess I’ve been so busy with school and other stuff that it hasn’t been on my mind too much.   Although I’ve tried a few new things since the last time I wrote (started seeing the homeopath about 6 weeks ago, got ridiculously expensive fusion hair extensions from one of the supposedly best salons from around here, they ended up being AWFUL!!),  I am still largely in the same place as before.  I’ve got 3 huge bald patches in the usual places… crown and either side, near temples.I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, so I’m not surprised I’m not doing too well at the moment.  I’m also depressed because of the hair stuff and some other things in general.  Thanks to my acrylic nails though, I still have my brows and lashes, at least.  I am currently on the waitlist for the MGH Trich clinic, and it could be several months before I get in there.  I hope it’s sooner.  :/   I will go into more detail about some of the stuff I’ve tried, next time  I write, which will hopefully not be too much longer from now.   But I thought I’d put a brief entry in here for the time being.   so.. until then..

Tags: pulling at desk, sore, pulling in bed, white hair, pulling in class, pulling in morning, mgh trich clinic, pulling at night, school stress, pulling at mirror, self esteem, crown, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, depression, pulling from scalp, trichster, bald spots, alternative healing, stress by Isis
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pulled like 30ish strands just now while I’m at my computer waking up.  For some reason it’s always the worst either late at night right before bed, or first thing in the morning after just waking up.  I wonder why that is?

I wish I could find a way to attach one of my wigs more permanantly to my head, I feel like I should glue it on while I wait this last 7 days before seeing my hair extensionist, so I don’t make it any worse!   That wouldn’t be too comfortable but at least it would stop me from doing it.  I actually just came across another trichster’s journal yesterday who had had it for 8+ years and wore a wig all the time, even to bed!  She wrote that she hadn’t had a comfortable nights sleep in all of those years!   wow.   I get uncomfortable enough to take them off after like 6 hours… but maybe I should give up some of that comfort for awhile, it might serve as a good reminder to the emotional discomfort that the physical discomfort of wearing a wig all the time will help get rid of..

hrmm, well…  7 more days.    starting right now.  wish me luck.

I’m off to the gym now to get some of this nervous energy out of my system… hopefully that’ll help too.

Tags: wigs, pulling in morning, pulling at desk, bald spots by Isis
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in early February I was ecstatic.  I decided to try acrylic nails in hopes they would be a deterrant of the pulling.  And they worked wonderfully at first.  I wasn’t able to pull out a single hair for over 3 weeks!   I’ve had the acrylic nails for over a month now, and my eyebrows are fully grown back!  I haven’t been able to touch them at all.  so, I finally have my eyebrows back.  =)   It is SO nice not to have to worry about drawing them in everyday, or if I’ve done it evenly, or if they’re starting to smudge off…   no more!!

my hair, however, sadly went back to it’s normal state after it became too long for the fake nails to be of use.  While my hair was very short, I wasn’t able to get a good grip on the strands, but now that it’s over 3 inches long, I can get enough of a grasp on the strands to pull them out again.   Yes, it is still harder to do so, but it’s possible again.  So, sadly this wasn’t a cure-all for my hair…   but I would DEFINETELY recommend trying it.  Both to men and women.  Especially men, because I’m not sure what else a man could try, and I know how much harder it is to conceal spots when you have very short hair.   The way I did this was to get my thumb and forefinger set up with much longer nails (twice as long as usual) so that I couldn’t grip them together.  (A little out of the ordinary, and took getting used to, but SO very worth it.)

While I was getting them done, the lady asked if I played guitar.  I do happen to play guitar, so I said yes, but apparently she’s seen lots of MEN get acrylic nails only on their thumb and fore fingers for the purpose of guitar playing!  So, men… if you want to try this but feel awkward about it, simply say that you’re a guitar player!   I really think that this could help you a lot.  It worked incredbly well for me when my hair was very short.  I was so happy.  Not to mention, I have a nice full set of nails all the time now, instead of having NO nails from biting them.  And my real nails are growing long underneath them, so whenever I decide to stop doing the acrylics, I’ll have a nice long set of my own nails again!

In the meantime, the spot I posted before has about tripled in size (well, it was all the way back in January that I posted the pics, so it could be a lot worse and usually would be by now, if not for the acrylic nails…)  I have another large spot on the right side of my head… in it’s usual spot.   I’ve been using black permanant hair dye on my scalp to cover up the glaring white skin.  This has been working well 95% of the time (the only one who noticed was my significant other , but it’s really rather impossible to hide this stuff from him all the time…) and most people don’t even notice the bald spots or look at me long enough to realize there’s a big spot of black all over my scalp.  and I mean… it’s really large now.  I’ll post an updated photo soon.

A few days actually I pulled so long and so hard that my scalp was extremely sore for days  =(   I’ve been sitting in front of my l.e.d light hoping it will help to fix some of the awful damage I caused.

Later this month I am going back to chicago to see Rae from Hair Alchemy.  I’m so excited!!  we’re going to try a different type of hair extension this time, just regular synthetic hair as opposed to the wool strands I got before to keep my head warm (which worked very nicely, and were really cute too!)   I’m going to get mostly black, with some pink mixed in.  She also said it shouldn’t be too much of a problem to concel the large spots I have now, even though the big one is partially right in the middle of my crown.  She’ll be able to thread the hair a certain way to cover it!  I can’t wait!   That’s going to happen in just 9 more days  =)

I really hope I can try to control myself a bit before then, because I’ve really been loosing control again since I’ve been able to pull the hair strands again.  I didn’t have this spot on the right side a week ago and it’s very big now =/

anyways, that’s it for now, but I leave you men and women with the following recommendations:

- try acrylic nails!!! they take some getting used to, but  they WILL help as a deterrant!!
- use permanant black (or brown) dye on your scalp if you have dark hair, to conceal your bald spots.  you will need to reapply it frequently but it really does a great job concealing your spots, you will feel so much better!!

xoxo,
Isis

Tags: sore, pulling in bed, l.e.d. light healing, pulling at desk, acrylic nails, tips, hair dye, nail biting, bald spots, hair extensions, ttm, hair alchemy, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, pulling, trich by Isis
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pulling more aggressively now…

have 3 small bald spots already ><    near around the back of my ears as they usually start.

I guess I gotta shave my head again this weekend.   I’m pretty sure now that my only hope is regular hypnosis, but … I am in nowhere near of a financial position to afford that right now.  so, looks like I’m stuck for a bit longer.  I do think that it may be the answer, though.. when I can afford it, hopefully someday not too much longer from now…

I’m going to see a friend from high school tomorrow, I always feel a bit awkward around her, since she was one of the few people that knew.  It’s actually prevented me from seeing her more, cuz I’m embarrassed my hair is still this way.  She was my best friend for over 5 years too, so I feel bad that I dont see her anymore… and the only real reason is because of this…

I thought earlier in the week, how nice it’d be that I’ll have some hair now that I see her again for the first time in over a year..   but, now I’ve got these bald patches to be concious of… so that means I’ll have to face her directly at all times and be careful about turning my head, or bending over or something.

*sigh*  =/

at least my eyebrows are starting to fill in a TEENY bit.    I’m seeing the guy I like in about 2 weeks (he’s been away) so I hope they’re at least half filled in by then….so they dont get rubbed off completely if we are intimate…. I hate having to be constantly worrying that I have no eyebrows anymore while in such a close setting with someone…

but yeah.. the hair….

it feels too good to stop, and even if I do stop, it only lasts for a few minutes before I give in again…   and of course biting the follicles only reinforces the cycle…

the hair on my arms is almost all grown in now, and it’s bothering me.  I really have to Nair it off in the next day or two, it’s longer than it has been in awhile.  ew.   That stuff I end up pulling cuz it LOOKS gross, not cuz it feels good to pull from there - because it doesn’t.  arm hair is purely for cosmetic reasons….   I’m sure most chicks wouldn’t let it bother them even thought it *is* a little dark, cuz most chicks aren’t totally fucking obsessed with …hair…

somehow, last year I made it long enough to get extensions put in.  I remember pulling quite a bit, and there were several large bald spots by the time it was the minimum 3 inches it needed to be …

woah, actually I remember it being so bad that I THOUGHT it was going to be too late… too much damage.. and I cried a lot over it…thinking I’d ruined it..

but even though 75% of my hair was gone (quite possibly the most I’ve ever pulled, actually)… the extensions still worked.  I was able to (most of the time) wrap the big puffy wool extension locks around in such a manner that it would hide the bald spots if I did it just right…

too bad they only last a few months. =/   and also, quite a bit of my little remaining hair was torn out even further when they were put in, due to the tightness necessary for them to attach and stay in…. so… even more damage…

anyhow.

I guess I’ll hang out with my friend tomorrow… and shave it off when I get home.  It’s only an inch long..only 3 weeks of growth.    It was Oct 22nd when I bic’ed it, and it’s Nov 13th now…

looks like I’m bald for awhile yet, still…

oh well.  must keep the rest of my life moving forward.

Tags: pulling lashes, cosmetic, obsession, restlessness, follicle biting, pulling at desk, awkwardness, pulling in class, body hair, grooming, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, hypnotherapy, pulling, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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