Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

I pulled both of my eyebrows completely off last night, while I was in bed reading.  Again… they had only have grown back from the previous episode.  This seems to be the usual cycle with me.  I only make it a certain amount of time before doing it all over again.

The area is very sore and tender… it hurt while I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop.
so… it’s back to looking like a cancer patient again.

this has definetely gotten me nervous in regards to the rest of my hair, which I have not begun to grow yet (I’m still waiting for those other spots on the front of my crown to catch up, as they are pretty noticeable, still).   How am I going to leave my hair alone if I can’t leave my eyebrows alone?  =(

I really hope that I can do this….  I’m going to try hard….  I am so tired of not having hair, and feeling self-concious about being bald and a girl…. I’m tired of getting made fun of for not having hair.   I hope that I can do it………

and now I just hope that I can leave my eyebrows alone for the next 2 months while they fill in again.   and continue to leave them alone after that.   but… we’ll see…..

Tags: pulling in bed, pulling eyebrows, self esteem, relapse, eyebrows by Isis
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well, the eyebrows had STARTED to grow back…. they were about halfway there…  but I just pulled them while laying here in bed, restless.  I guess bed is the worst place for me…. always has been, really.  That’s where the whole behaviour even began, all those years ago…..
have only pulled a few strands from the crown, but my hair isn’t very long yet.   since the rest of the bald patches are still catching up on the top, I will be keeping it short until those fill in.  Almost time to buzz it again soon.  I do that about every 2 weeks or less.  What a pain.   It has to be done though…. it looks pretty bad if I don’t.

my female co workers were bothering me about it again.  one of them in particular keeps telling me I should grow my hair, I’d look so good with long hair, blah blah.  I really want to tell her to shut the fuck up already.  It really bothers me and I’ve already dismissed her several times now.   This time she brought it up in front of another of the girls I work with and that made it even fuckin worse.  I wish people would just leave me alone.   Why is my fuckin hair so important to them?

Tags: peer pressure, restlessness, pulling eyebrows, relapse, eyebrows by Isis
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I had to buzz off what remained of my hair, a few days ago. I really tried hard to resist the urges but the Trich monster has a really tight grip on me right now. I am going through a lot of stress, there’s so much to juggle right now… its crunch time at school, I’m really worried about passing with good grades because the final assingments suddenly got extremely difficult…

I’m so dissapointed but at the same time I’m trying to just move on, sit in front of my heat lamp, massage my scalp with oil… and wait until it grows back to try all over again. I haven’t had any time to make an appointment to see Dr. Schwartz (hypnotist) since now I am going to chiropractic appointments 3 times a week to try and correct the issues I’ve been having with my back, right arm, etc.

I’m petrified that people are going to see my scalp like this, in it’s severely wounded state. I just want to avoid everyone and everything…. but I can’t. =( all I can do is wear my hats and wigs and try and hope that no one’s going to ask to see my hair. But this happens ALL the fucking time. Why this is, I do not know, but for some fucked up reason, people are always asking to see my hair. They are EXTREMELY interested in it. It’s always been like that. I really don’t know WHY, but it only makes things worse. What exactly is so goddamned interesting about MY hair?? or lack thereof? why are fuckin people always asking to see it? It’s almost as if it’s because of my trich that this happens, I mean… fuck!! =( why is my hair so interesting to other people, huh??

I decided to take some pictures….. for myself, really… I have done so a few times before… so I figured I will put them here…. to show just how bad it has become…. it definetely has gotten worse in the last 6 months… before, it used to be just a few (largeish) SPOTS here and there…. but now, instead of spots…. they are huge pathways across my entire head….

I used to look at photos of trich online and think to myself, “well… I may have it bad… but at least I don’t have it THAT bad..”

well… now I do have it that bad…..

so, here they are, be aware that they are somewhat disturbing…..

left side
1
2
3
right side
1
2

crown
1
2
3

so yeah… I couldn’t find an extensionist in time… all of this happened over the last 3 weeks or so……. the crown most recently… for that was all that I had had left after taking the sides off… (I usually start at the sides)
the pics are somewhat reddish tinted, that’s because of the heat lamp…. and by the way, I am now very sure that the lamp does indeed help in speeding up the regrowth process. so if you have severe trich, you may want to look into getting one… I’ll try and find some links for those soon… but for now I have to go… so many things to do… and so little time… =/

and oh yeah… only a mere 2 days after buzzing off my remaining hair… half of my left eyebrow is gone again… after they’d both almost completely filled in, finally… and almost all of my nails are gone now too…. =(

Tags: self esteem, relapse, crown, pulling eyebrows, nail biting, pictures, l.e.d. light healing, bald spots, pulling from scalp, trich, stress, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling, depression, eyebrows by Isis
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left eyebrow is still totally bare.   in fact, I picked a few more barely grown hairs just the other night.   poor innocent little hairs just trying to grow…  

the right side is about halfway filled in from my last episode.   have been mostly successful in leaving that one alone for the time being.  must be cuz I’m right handed… just more natural to pull from the left side…

saw my parents a few days ago, and my mother very tactfully said, “do you know your eyebrows don’t match?”    ………  yeah, thanks.   she knows the fuckin story with it.   I didn’t take much time in drawing it on cuz I didn’t think I NEEDED to, around my family…. but that really pissed me off.   When I got angry she defended herself by saying she thought it was something “for Halloween” …. yeah, even though it was AFTER Halloween.   okay.     I left right after that.

going to FL for a week to relax and soak in the rays.   hopefully that will help the regrowth cycle….. this bald spot right near my forehead has got me kinda worried.   those are usually the slowest areas to grow back.  The hair is so fine there, so maybe it takes longer to regrow itself because of that.  I’m not sure…..  but I really hope it doesn’t take months on end… cuz it’s pretty difficult to hide it… =/      I’m about to bleach my hair so the spots aren’t as noticeable (which is what I usually do when it starts getting longer) … it’s about an inch long now.   needs to be around 3 inches for the extensions, which I still haven’t figured out where to go for them yet….. since I never did find anyone local to me…  =(
hopefully that search will go better this time… *crosses fingers*
have been using my LED light and taking Biotin for a couple of weeks now as well.

so… wish me luck.

Tags: pulling eyebrows, l.e.d. light healing, biotin, trichster, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, eyebrows by Isis
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well, I sure wish I was better at following my own advice…

eyebrows HAD grown in, but about 2 weeks ago I quickly removed them all in about 5 minutes, late one night before bed…

started to let the rest of my hair grow in and just made 2 gigantic spots, one on the crown, one on right side, behind my ear.  The crown and the sides near my ears seem to be my favorite places… it just “feels” the best there.

biting the follicles has been such a relief, I’d been thinking about it way too often.

decided I should probably cut my hair short until this fills in… then go back to see my hypnotherapist… not surprising I’ve had a relapse.  this sort of thing requires semi-regular treatment, and it’s been at least 2 months (maybe 3 now, actually…) since I last went to him.

oh well.   it’s only hair… =/

Tags: bald spots, relapse, pulling eyebrows, pulling from scalp, pulling, ttm, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
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