Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

still very much out of control.   it’s all the time now.  at home, in bed, in class, when out with people… everywhere.   whole right side starting to be gone.  resumed therapy with my original therapist this week.  hopefully in a few weeks I’ll begin to have a grasp on this again.  but right now… the addiction is far too strong…. =(    And the pain brings far too much pleasure again….going on a tropical vacation tomorrow.  I hope and pray I have the strength to control myself… I’ll be traveling with others… in close proximity… I’m hoping the sun will inspire me to try and heal…….. my poor scalp… it’s starting to swell in some places.. ><

Tags: constant pulling, relapse, bald spots, pulling from scalp by Isis
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The extension cap has moved further back and is exposing the crown, which I’ve already caused a lot of damage to.  The snow DID indeed cause my appointment last week to be cancelled, and my only other option was to wait an entire week to schedule for the following Wednesday.  Thanks a lot, New England.

In this time I’ve been particularly bad.  I haven’t seen my temporary therapist in some time now and I don’t much see the point of even going to see her at this point as my regular therapist is almost back from her leave.  I will probably see the temporary one more time in the interim.   And hopefully my appointment this Weds will be kept, although it looks like we’re getting even more snow soon. Wonderful!    If not for my appointment getting cancelled last week, none of this severe crown damage would have happened. I am very upset about it.  =(   It’s going to take a very long time for that to grow back now.

The hair on my sides is entirely missing again, as it usually is, but thankfully the extension cap does a good job at hiding this.  The pain and soreness of my scalp is a depressing reminder of the tearing and ripping ..  which I did some of… but usually, it was the singular pulls, and that’s really what kept me locked into doing it for so long.  Everything about it…  the feeling of the hair.  The pleasurable feeling when the hair was pulled… the sound it makes.  Somehow even the sound is good right now.  And of course the biting of the follicle.I just try to remember that right now I’m in a pulling state … and that for awhile, my mind was completely removed from all of this and in a more normal state.  I will be able to get back there again, but I’m going to need the help I was getting before.  And until then, all I can do is try and hide it.  =/

Tags: pulling in bed, obsession, follicle obsession, sore, follicle biting, embarrassment, pulling in morning, pulling in class, follicles, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, depression, pulling from scalp, crown, trichster, bald spots, trich by Isis
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The streak is over.  Actually, it ended the day after I made my last post, sadly enough.   A combination of things … environment, bored/restlessness … and I succumbed.  There have been a few bad days since then.  Usually triggered by stress or in one case, anger.  I’m getting the extensions put back in later this week sometime.  I was so happy about the thickness of my hair, but I’ve already made a few thin spots on the sides again…. c’est la vie.  At least I made it about two weeks this time.  That’s an improvement over the last time, which was about a week pull-free … several months back… the key seems to be to abstain as long as possible… once you’re back into it… you’re back into it and it’s really hard to stop.  So… hopefully… better luck next time around…  now, if I can just get it stabilized again before too much time passes…

Tags: bald spots, relapse, anxiety, pulling from scalp, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, stress by Isis
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well, it’s been a month now since I started cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).I am sad to say that I don’t see much of a difference yet.  My awareness has been increased a bit, but it has gotten no easier to stop the behavior, despite coming up with a list of incompatible behaviors (putting a hat or gloves on, clasping hands, moving around, etc) … the urge is just too strong for any of that to work.

so, I am taking the plunge and trying medication to go along with the CBT, which is the most successful way of going about this…….I am not sure which medication will be tried first, but I am sure there will be a period of unpleasant trial and error, and I’m sure I’m not going to like the side effects of whatever SSRI I am taking… but… at this point, I am willing to sacrifice other things (like my sexual functionality, which is what the Cymbalta / Duloxetine messed with when I tried it, and the main reason I stopped taking it) to try and conquer this…  if there’s any time to really try medication again, it’s right now.. I seem to have no other choice.  It’s becoming incredibly difficult and frustrating to hide my scalp, which is at least 50% bare, especially from my significant other.  It actually distresses me quite a lot when he wants to spend the night with me now, because it’s extremely uncomfortable to sleep with clip-on extensions (they pull at the hair I do have, making my scalp very sore in the morning)  aside from the fact that the hair is all gross and poor quality now because of sleeping on it so often.  I like seeing him but I find myself wishing he didn’t call me so much, just because of the hair thing…  *sigh* I should be happy to spend time with him =(

I had a massive session just now while writing a final paper for school.  It was just awful… I couldn’t stop.  I even pulled my pubic hair (after I tried putting on a hat, the trich monster just moved along somewhere else) for over 20 minutes which is something I haven’t done in a REALLY long time.  :(

I did dye my roots last night in hopes I won’t get stuck in the mirror pulling all my numerous amounts of grays anymore….

I really hope I can get better.  :(

I will update as things progress..

Tags: school stress, pulling at night, pulling at desk, follicle biting, peer pressure, embarrassment, mgh trich clinic boston, pubic area, significant other, anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, treatmeant, restlessness, white hair, trich, ttm, medication, stress, cymbalta, hair extensions, trichotillomania, bald spots, crown, pulling from scalp, pulling, depression, duloxetine by Isis
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wow, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated.  I guess I’ve been so busy with school and other stuff that it hasn’t been on my mind too much.   Although I’ve tried a few new things since the last time I wrote (started seeing the homeopath about 6 weeks ago, got ridiculously expensive fusion hair extensions from one of the supposedly best salons from around here, they ended up being AWFUL!!),  I am still largely in the same place as before.  I’ve got 3 huge bald patches in the usual places… crown and either side, near temples.I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, so I’m not surprised I’m not doing too well at the moment.  I’m also depressed because of the hair stuff and some other things in general.  Thanks to my acrylic nails though, I still have my brows and lashes, at least.  I am currently on the waitlist for the MGH Trich clinic, and it could be several months before I get in there.  I hope it’s sooner.  :/   I will go into more detail about some of the stuff I’ve tried, next time  I write, which will hopefully not be too much longer from now.   But I thought I’d put a brief entry in here for the time being.   so.. until then..

Tags: pulling at desk, sore, pulling in bed, white hair, pulling in class, pulling in morning, mgh trich clinic, pulling at night, school stress, pulling at mirror, self esteem, crown, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, depression, pulling from scalp, trichster, bald spots, alternative healing, stress by Isis
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