why does it feel so good to do this?? =( it’s just so unfair that it relieves so much tension… I had a stressful day… and sometimes, I just really can’t stop it… but by the time the tension has gone away.. I’m in trance mode and can’t stop even though I want to.I keep trying to make myself be aware of the reality of the situation…. this is my own hair… that is on my head for a reason, and I am tearing it out and causing severe damage to my scalp! But somehow, it just doesn’t want to register like that, all I can think of is ‘oooh that feels good, oh, that one was even better. maybe there’s another follicle to bite now!’ It’s like repeating a word over and over again until all of a sudden, it just looses meaning… all you can focus on is the sound, and not the word anymore. But the reality is this: What I’m doing is disgusting!! Imagine if anyone ever could see me like this, while I’m this bad? There’s hair sticking all over me, piles of HAIR that just came from my head, there’s strands of it everwhere, all over my bed, I’m SLEEPING in it. arrrrggg =(I have to wear a bandana now to cover up the huge bald area on the top of my head now. I can’t even wrap the extensions around my head to cover it completely anymore, this is really bad heh. I should probably take a picture to illustrate just how bad. It’s def as bad as it was a couple years ago, when I first got some extensions put in, and then had to shave my head for awhile again after, because I just couldn’t be responsible enough to DESERVE hair.thank goodness help will be on the way soon. the trip to the salon went well the other day, but now I have to go to a seperate branch of the salon on Tuesday. because the spot on top is so bad, I have to have a fake hair piece - it looks like a partial wig - sewn into my hair first, (if I can MAKE it that long without pulling out even more, that is! =( It needs SOME hair on the sides to anchor on to, and now that’s dissapearing with each passing day…) at the first salon, and then go to their other location, to get the extensions put in afterwards. All this is going to cost me about $350 (the fake hair piece system is $250) plus the extensions. and I’ll have to go back every month and spend another $120ish or something like that to get everything re-positioned.I don’t even know how much money I’ve spent because of trich anymore, but it’s in the thousands, including solutions to hide it and some therapy that did or did not work. I haven’t had cash to see a homeopath yet (frankly, I’m not entirely sure that I can really afford this round of hair stuff, so I think some of it’s gonna have to go on a credit card… eek..) and at this point I’m wondering if I should try to go back on any medication. I’d really rather not do that but the last couple of years it’s the worst it’s ever been in all 12 years, and… I would really like to actually get a grip on it….oh, and as a side note, apparently I have to grow my right thumb and forefingers’ acrylic nails again, as I have not had a full left eyebrow in 2 weeks now. I guess I can’t handle the responsibility of having short nails again, either.blah. well, wish me luck at the second salon this week! (ps… I don’t know what’s up with the lack of line breaks in wordpress all of a sudden, how irritating..! Hope to get that figured out soon)
Tags: pulling in bed, follicle obsession, follicles, follicle biting, acrylic nails, pulled all day, pull diary, wigs, pulling eyebrows, relapse, ttm, trich, medication, hair extensions, trichotillomania, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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