Don’t know why, but today was a weaker day with the bad habits. I’ve been doing well up until today. But today, while bored, I chewed several of my nails (on my right hand) down so far that they hurt. And just now while laying here with my laptop, doing some work on the computer, I started pulling my right eyebrow significantly.
Tomorrow… my welbutrin dose doubles to 200mg per day…
man. So I’ve had a better week with the hair pulling… however, while writing an email just now, and laying in bed (another trigger.. .I probably should have been more cautious about this even just due to those 2 factors…) I was stressing out over the situation… and barely even noticing that I was steadily pulling at my right eyebrow this entire time. Now… 20 minutes later… the email is written, and sent. And I am missing almost my entire eyebrow. =(On a regular basis I often think to myself, “It’s ok. At least I’ve had my eyebrows for a long time.” Eyebrows used to be a big problem for me…I hardly ever had full brows a year or two ago. I was constantly worrying about the drawn in eyebrows coming off in situations. Especially around my boyfriend. Now I’m going to see my boyfriend tomorrow for the first time in awhile. Spend the night… and be all worried about my one eyebrow smudging off, the whole time…into the night, and the morning. Now I have to carry around an eye pencil again and worry about putting on makeup for the next month until it grows back. =( The next MONTH! And I’m going on a vacation in 2 weeks with a friend… where we’ll be swimming… thank god this is a trusted friend who knows about my problem… so I don’t have to be as worried… but still… it looks awful……….. I look diseased again =(This just shows how dangerous and aggressive pulling can be when it’s a secondary action… my main action was writing the email, but there was stress involved, on top of a trigger situation… and I wasn’t able to work hard at resisting…. and it just happened so fast… now the aftermath is going to last for a long time. =( Blahhh. After I had such a decent week with the other hairpulling…This is the first time in I can’t even remember how long since I’ve had missing eyebrows…. dammit… I hope I can hold onto the other one and that isn’t the next target…..
still pretty bad. the whole right side is becoming bald… starting to creep further around the back of my head and the top of my head where it’s reachable under the extension cap…
scalp is starting to get swollen from the trauma. It feels so good that I can’t stop. but it’s making me feel awful… knowing how long it’s going to take now for that to grow back.. it’ll start to look normal maybe 6 months from now..
it’s pretty constant now. during class, in the car, and at night in bed are the worst times. It feels like I’m always pulling. There are piles of hair everywhere. It’s gross yet doesn’t stop me from what I’m doing. Thankfully I’ve been able to leave my lashes and brows mostly alone… although I plucked a little from those areas too.
at the point where I feel helpless and hopeless… =/ and so stressed out about it starting to become noticeably visible even under the extensions… people are going to start asking any day now, I know it….
I think I’m going to give my therapist a call tomorrow. I have an appointment to see her on Weds, but I don’t think I can wait that long .. I need some help….
The extension cap has moved further back and is exposing the crown, which I’ve already caused a lot of damage to. The snow DID indeed cause my appointment last week to be cancelled, and my only other option was to wait an entire week to schedule for the following Wednesday. Thanks a lot, New England.
In this time I’ve been particularly bad. I haven’t seen my temporary therapist in some time now and I don’t much see the point of even going to see her at this point as my regular therapist is almost back from her leave. I will probably see the temporary one more time in the interim. And hopefully my appointment this Weds will be kept, although it looks like we’re getting even more snow soon. Wonderful! If not for my appointment getting cancelled last week, none of this severe crown damage would have happened. I am very upset about it. =( It’s going to take a very long time for that to grow back now.
The hair on my sides is entirely missing again, as it usually is, but thankfully the extension cap does a good job at hiding this. The pain and soreness of my scalp is a depressing reminder of the tearing and ripping .. which I did some of… but usually, it was the singular pulls, and that’s really what kept me locked into doing it for so long. Everything about it… the feeling of the hair. The pleasurable feeling when the hair was pulled… the sound it makes. Somehow even the sound is good right now. And of course the biting of the follicle.I just try to remember that right now I’m in a pulling state … and that for awhile, my mind was completely removed from all of this and in a more normal state. I will be able to get back there again, but I’m going to need the help I was getting before. And until then, all I can do is try and hide it. =/
wow, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated. I guess I’ve been so busy with school and other stuff that it hasn’t been on my mind too much. Although I’ve tried a few new things since the last time I wrote (started seeing the homeopath about 6 weeks ago, got ridiculously expensive fusion hair extensions from one of the supposedly best salons from around here, they ended up being AWFUL!!), I am still largely in the same place as before. I’ve got 3 huge bald patches in the usual places… crown and either side, near temples.I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, so I’m not surprised I’m not doing too well at the moment. I’m also depressed because of the hair stuff and some other things in general. Thanks to my acrylic nails though, I still have my brows and lashes, at least. I am currently on the waitlist for the MGH Trich clinic, and it could be several months before I get in there. I hope it’s sooner. :/ I will go into more detail about some of the stuff I’ve tried, next time I write, which will hopefully not be too much longer from now. But I thought I’d put a brief entry in here for the time being. so.. until then..