Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

well, it’s been a month now since I started cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).I am sad to say that I don’t see much of a difference yet.  My awareness has been increased a bit, but it has gotten no easier to stop the behavior, despite coming up with a list of incompatible behaviors (putting a hat or gloves on, clasping hands, moving around, etc) … the urge is just too strong for any of that to work.

so, I am taking the plunge and trying medication to go along with the CBT, which is the most successful way of going about this…….I am not sure which medication will be tried first, but I am sure there will be a period of unpleasant trial and error, and I’m sure I’m not going to like the side effects of whatever SSRI I am taking… but… at this point, I am willing to sacrifice other things (like my sexual functionality, which is what the Cymbalta / Duloxetine messed with when I tried it, and the main reason I stopped taking it) to try and conquer this…  if there’s any time to really try medication again, it’s right now.. I seem to have no other choice.  It’s becoming incredibly difficult and frustrating to hide my scalp, which is at least 50% bare, especially from my significant other.  It actually distresses me quite a lot when he wants to spend the night with me now, because it’s extremely uncomfortable to sleep with clip-on extensions (they pull at the hair I do have, making my scalp very sore in the morning)  aside from the fact that the hair is all gross and poor quality now because of sleeping on it so often.  I like seeing him but I find myself wishing he didn’t call me so much, just because of the hair thing…  *sigh* I should be happy to spend time with him =(

I had a massive session just now while writing a final paper for school.  It was just awful… I couldn’t stop.  I even pulled my pubic hair (after I tried putting on a hat, the trich monster just moved along somewhere else) for over 20 minutes which is something I haven’t done in a REALLY long time.  :(

I did dye my roots last night in hopes I won’t get stuck in the mirror pulling all my numerous amounts of grays anymore….

I really hope I can get better.  :(

I will update as things progress..

Tags: school stress, pulling at night, pulling at desk, follicle biting, peer pressure, embarrassment, mgh trich clinic boston, pubic area, significant other, anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, treatmeant, restlessness, white hair, trich, ttm, medication, stress, cymbalta, hair extensions, trichotillomania, bald spots, crown, pulling from scalp, pulling, depression, duloxetine by Isis
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I had a couple of PF days since I was pretty much around my bf for those couple days, and wasn’t all that bored,  but today… I have pulled ALL.  DAY.  =((   like… 12 hours  =(   even in the car, while driving!!   I’m going to get in an accident if I don’t get that under control  =(    all started from looking at those STUPID white hairs that I have so many of now…  I really am going to have to try and understand that I have to stop letting them bother me, cuz they’re not going to go away!!  I just have to continously dye them so this doesn’t keep on happening… just a few white hairs doomed my entire day  =(

this SUCKS, I don’t know what to do right now, and now I’ve got 2 really big spots right on the front of my crown near my forehead, literally impossible to hide, gonna have to keep putting black dye on,  some of those pulls actually legitimately hurt really badly, too, (since it’s the fine hair in the front),  but that still didn’t stop me.  my scalp really hurts now.   I think I’m going to try taking an ativan (I have some for anxiety/sleep issues)  and see if that helps  =(

I am so upset now,  I thought I was doing good…

time to start slathering on the ointments and getting the LED lamp out again like some kinda cancer patient,  I feel disgusting…

someday this won’t control me,  hold me tightly in it’s grip for hours…

but that day isn’t now  =/

Tags: sore, restlessness, white hair, follicle biting, hair dye, pulled all day, anti-anxiety meds, self esteem, relapse, trichotillomania, ttm, trich, depression, pulling, crown, bald spots, medication by Isis
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total relapse!  I’ve been going non-stop since that last entry, 3 hours ago  =(   just laying here in bed with my laptop.  Lost track a long time ago, I’m probably up near 100 strands by now.   I can’t seem to stop now, for more than a few minutes anyway… too far into the trance.  My bf should be home in less than an hour, I really hope he’ll hurry up and get home soon and save me!  heh… he doesn’t even know…  all he knows is I have hair loss due to stress, that’s all I’ve filled him in on…

my crown is getting thin again, even with the extensions in, there are some sections that were too short…  so I’ve been pulling those…   now I have to spend like 20 minutes every day arranging my hair so that the extension pieces cover the bald spots.. I feel like the old bald guy trying to comb-over his balding head… =/

but still, I can’t stop… and the little pricks of sensation whenever a hair gets pulled from my scalp, that are supposed to be painful… actually feel good.. and addicting…

I’d better make sure sure to brush all the hair I’ve pulled off the sheets and whatever else it may be piled upon now…

sigh.

Tags: relapse, restlessness, pulling in bed, pull diary, crown, pulling from scalp, ttm, hair extensions, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
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pulling more aggressively now…

have 3 small bald spots already ><    near around the back of my ears as they usually start.

I guess I gotta shave my head again this weekend.   I’m pretty sure now that my only hope is regular hypnosis, but … I am in nowhere near of a financial position to afford that right now.  so, looks like I’m stuck for a bit longer.  I do think that it may be the answer, though.. when I can afford it, hopefully someday not too much longer from now…

I’m going to see a friend from high school tomorrow, I always feel a bit awkward around her, since she was one of the few people that knew.  It’s actually prevented me from seeing her more, cuz I’m embarrassed my hair is still this way.  She was my best friend for over 5 years too, so I feel bad that I dont see her anymore… and the only real reason is because of this…

I thought earlier in the week, how nice it’d be that I’ll have some hair now that I see her again for the first time in over a year..   but, now I’ve got these bald patches to be concious of… so that means I’ll have to face her directly at all times and be careful about turning my head, or bending over or something.

*sigh*  =/

at least my eyebrows are starting to fill in a TEENY bit.    I’m seeing the guy I like in about 2 weeks (he’s been away) so I hope they’re at least half filled in by then….so they dont get rubbed off completely if we are intimate…. I hate having to be constantly worrying that I have no eyebrows anymore while in such a close setting with someone…

but yeah.. the hair….

it feels too good to stop, and even if I do stop, it only lasts for a few minutes before I give in again…   and of course biting the follicles only reinforces the cycle…

the hair on my arms is almost all grown in now, and it’s bothering me.  I really have to Nair it off in the next day or two, it’s longer than it has been in awhile.  ew.   That stuff I end up pulling cuz it LOOKS gross, not cuz it feels good to pull from there - because it doesn’t.  arm hair is purely for cosmetic reasons….   I’m sure most chicks wouldn’t let it bother them even thought it *is* a little dark, cuz most chicks aren’t totally fucking obsessed with …hair…

somehow, last year I made it long enough to get extensions put in.  I remember pulling quite a bit, and there were several large bald spots by the time it was the minimum 3 inches it needed to be …

woah, actually I remember it being so bad that I THOUGHT it was going to be too late… too much damage.. and I cried a lot over it…thinking I’d ruined it..

but even though 75% of my hair was gone (quite possibly the most I’ve ever pulled, actually)… the extensions still worked.  I was able to (most of the time) wrap the big puffy wool extension locks around in such a manner that it would hide the bald spots if I did it just right…

too bad they only last a few months. =/   and also, quite a bit of my little remaining hair was torn out even further when they were put in, due to the tightness necessary for them to attach and stay in…. so… even more damage…

anyhow.

I guess I’ll hang out with my friend tomorrow… and shave it off when I get home.  It’s only an inch long..only 3 weeks of growth.    It was Oct 22nd when I bic’ed it, and it’s Nov 13th now…

looks like I’m bald for awhile yet, still…

oh well.  must keep the rest of my life moving forward.

Tags: pulling lashes, cosmetic, obsession, restlessness, follicle biting, pulling at desk, awkwardness, pulling in class, body hair, grooming, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, hypnotherapy, pulling, crown, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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well, the eyebrows had STARTED to grow back…. they were about halfway there…  but I just pulled them while laying here in bed, restless.  I guess bed is the worst place for me…. always has been, really.  That’s where the whole behaviour even began, all those years ago…..
have only pulled a few strands from the crown, but my hair isn’t very long yet.   since the rest of the bald patches are still catching up on the top, I will be keeping it short until those fill in.  Almost time to buzz it again soon.  I do that about every 2 weeks or less.  What a pain.   It has to be done though…. it looks pretty bad if I don’t.

my female co workers were bothering me about it again.  one of them in particular keeps telling me I should grow my hair, I’d look so good with long hair, blah blah.  I really want to tell her to shut the fuck up already.  It really bothers me and I’ve already dismissed her several times now.   This time she brought it up in front of another of the girls I work with and that made it even fuckin worse.  I wish people would just leave me alone.   Why is my fuckin hair so important to them?

Tags: peer pressure, restlessness, pulling eyebrows, relapse, eyebrows by Isis
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