Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

yeah… I ended up shaving my head a couple hours after the last post.  so, I’m hanging out with my friend later anyway.  oh well.

now its going to be 3-5 months before those little spots fill in… it’s such a long-lasting effect to deal with for just a few hours of pleasure…

I went to get a massage today, that included a bit of a face massage with oil.  the woman said I was “brave for wearing a shaved head” but it looked great on me.   I thanked her (I happen to be lucky and do have a nicely shaped skull) but then a few minutes later when she massaged my face with the oil, my eyebrows must have come off because she then said, “oh, but you pluck all of your eyebrows off… I cannot compliment you for that!”

I should probably just be more open with strangers in situations like that, then maybe they wouldn’t say dumb crap like that.

actually, I’d say the eyebrows are about 30% grown in.   It’s about…12 more days or so til I see my boy/friend … I think they’ll be almost grown in by then… enough to look ok at least, even if the makeup does get smudged off.

Tags: self esteem, trauma caused by pulling, awkwardness, shaved head, trichster, bald spots, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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It’s been awhile. No news is good news, right? Well… sort of.

My hair is finally 95% grown back on my head. There are still a few small spots that are noticeable – but they’re so small that they look like the small scars or bare spots that many normal people have on their heads.

I’ve decided to keep my head shaved for the summer. It looks good, requires pretty minimal effort to maintain (20 minutes once per week isn’t so bad, and now that I’ve cut off the pieces of hair in the front, back, and sideburns, its even less effort to maintain) … and with no bald spots at all, my self confidence has risen quite a bit. For the time being, anyone who meets me, or any of the new friends I have acquired recently, think I am just a girl with a shaved head. Since I am not afraid to proudly walk with my head uncovered (now that those spots have finally filled in), no one knows the truth… and I am fairly certain that if I did attempt to grow my hair back, the same cycle would repeat itself… and then I’d have to deal with bald spots again. After so many months of the year having to hide, it feels really good not having to hide. Not to have that terrible, dark reality lurking just underneath something as simple as a piece of thin cloth that could be pulled off at any time, or a wig that I have NO choice BUT to wear. I’ve felt so relieved lately, to finally feel at least somewhat normal. So… although I still would ultimately like to have long hair again, I am keeping it short for awhile longer so that I can enjoy this wonderful little vacation from that shame, fear, and sadness. Maybe I can get a better grip on the trich monster, the longer I can’t pull the hair from there.

My eyebrows haven’t grown back yet, as I semi-ravaged them again on two occasions over this last month. Both were in bed, again. One was first thing in the morning, and one was at night just before bed. I’m tempted to shave those off again too, but I think that with a shaved head, it’s a lot more important to have real eyebrows. A bald head and no eyebrows just looks too strange; sickly.

I am still dealing with some frustration, fear, and stress, and that is when my drawn-on eyebrows start to smudge. Or, in the morning, when I pray that the makeup is still on, and I wake up next to the new guy I’ve been seeing. I don’t think he’s taken too much notice yet, I made sure to voice the fact that I sometimes shave them and that right now they’re in a frustrating “growing in” stage, which is true. But, it still is embarrassing and it still doesn’t make me look very good, so I really hope that I can let them fill in properly.

I’ve been biting my nails a lot suddenly, again. I seem to go through lapses. Almost all of them have been bitten down, and I can’t scratch my itches very well anymore. Maybe it’s because of the lack of hair-pulling. I do still pull from my pubic area from time to time when I go without shaving for a few days. I don’t mind pulling from there at all, since it lasts longer than shaving it, but I wonder if it’s just as bad to keep pulling there because I am reinforcing the habit of pulling, even though it’s in a different spot.

Perhaps in just a few more weeks, I’ll have two fully grown eyebrows, and 10 long nails again. I hope so.

Tags: pulling in bed, nail biting, pulling eyebrows, self esteem, eyebrows by Isis
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I pulled both of my eyebrows completely off last night, while I was in bed reading.  Again… they had only have grown back from the previous episode.  This seems to be the usual cycle with me.  I only make it a certain amount of time before doing it all over again.

The area is very sore and tender… it hurt while I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop.
so… it’s back to looking like a cancer patient again.

this has definetely gotten me nervous in regards to the rest of my hair, which I have not begun to grow yet (I’m still waiting for those other spots on the front of my crown to catch up, as they are pretty noticeable, still).   How am I going to leave my hair alone if I can’t leave my eyebrows alone?  =(

I really hope that I can do this….  I’m going to try hard….  I am so tired of not having hair, and feeling self-concious about being bald and a girl…. I’m tired of getting made fun of for not having hair.   I hope that I can do it………

and now I just hope that I can leave my eyebrows alone for the next 2 months while they fill in again.   and continue to leave them alone after that.   but… we’ll see…..

Tags: pulling in bed, pulling eyebrows, self esteem, relapse, eyebrows by Isis
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I had to buzz off what remained of my hair, a few days ago. I really tried hard to resist the urges but the Trich monster has a really tight grip on me right now. I am going through a lot of stress, there’s so much to juggle right now… its crunch time at school, I’m really worried about passing with good grades because the final assingments suddenly got extremely difficult…

I’m so dissapointed but at the same time I’m trying to just move on, sit in front of my heat lamp, massage my scalp with oil… and wait until it grows back to try all over again. I haven’t had any time to make an appointment to see Dr. Schwartz (hypnotist) since now I am going to chiropractic appointments 3 times a week to try and correct the issues I’ve been having with my back, right arm, etc.

I’m petrified that people are going to see my scalp like this, in it’s severely wounded state. I just want to avoid everyone and everything…. but I can’t. =( all I can do is wear my hats and wigs and try and hope that no one’s going to ask to see my hair. But this happens ALL the fucking time. Why this is, I do not know, but for some fucked up reason, people are always asking to see my hair. They are EXTREMELY interested in it. It’s always been like that. I really don’t know WHY, but it only makes things worse. What exactly is so goddamned interesting about MY hair?? or lack thereof? why are fuckin people always asking to see it? It’s almost as if it’s because of my trich that this happens, I mean… fuck!! =( why is my hair so interesting to other people, huh??

I decided to take some pictures….. for myself, really… I have done so a few times before… so I figured I will put them here…. to show just how bad it has become…. it definetely has gotten worse in the last 6 months… before, it used to be just a few (largeish) SPOTS here and there…. but now, instead of spots…. they are huge pathways across my entire head….

I used to look at photos of trich online and think to myself, “well… I may have it bad… but at least I don’t have it THAT bad..”

well… now I do have it that bad…..

so, here they are, be aware that they are somewhat disturbing…..

left side
1
2
3
right side
1
2

crown
1
2
3

so yeah… I couldn’t find an extensionist in time… all of this happened over the last 3 weeks or so……. the crown most recently… for that was all that I had had left after taking the sides off… (I usually start at the sides)
the pics are somewhat reddish tinted, that’s because of the heat lamp…. and by the way, I am now very sure that the lamp does indeed help in speeding up the regrowth process. so if you have severe trich, you may want to look into getting one… I’ll try and find some links for those soon… but for now I have to go… so many things to do… and so little time… =/

and oh yeah… only a mere 2 days after buzzing off my remaining hair… half of my left eyebrow is gone again… after they’d both almost completely filled in, finally… and almost all of my nails are gone now too…. =(

Tags: self esteem, relapse, crown, pulling eyebrows, nail biting, pictures, l.e.d. light healing, bald spots, pulling from scalp, trich, stress, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling, depression, eyebrows by Isis
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it’s so nice out today. I rode my bike to get some coffee. I didn’t bother to put anything on my head to cover it. I always try to make a point not to, when I’m going outside to do errands and such, because it’s very good to have the sun shining on the bad spots. I live in a suburb so there are usually other people out and about, but not tons, so I don’t mind passing by them on the sidewalk. When you pass by someone like that, they don’t even have the time to notice you might have half of your hair missing in the back, so why worry about it? I usually carry a bandana with me though, so that when I actually get inside someplace where you have to be closer to people, I can put it on, if I want to. Days like today though, I just it all kinda fly out, right now it’s multicolored from me bleaching it when I got the extensions. so I have brown/yellowish patches of hair flying around in all sorts of directions, and then I have like 2 or 3 of the extensions that are still attached just kinda hangin’ out on top of my head. so… it looks kinda weird and funky to begin with! (I mean that in a positive way). So, despite the large amount of bare skin showing, I think people usually just notice that my entire hairstyle is …unaverage, and they don’t pay as much attention to the bald spots as you would think they would.
In fact, I have rarely noticed ANYONE look at my hair for very long, usually they just look once for a few seconds and go about their business.
If they do stare well then screw them! Like I said, I have never really noticed anyone doing this, but if I did I would ask them wtf their problem is. My advice to others (with girls it’s easier to do weird shit with your hair obviously, but if you’re a younger male you can do the same) is to do something fun and different with your hair despite the bald spots you might have. That in itself will help to disguise the bald spots and you will feel less self-concious about it. Be proud of yourself even if you have this disorder. EVERYONE has problems, everyone has their own issues, some are just more visible than others. Be proud of who you are and FUCK anyone that is going to stare at you and be rude. Get in their face and correct them. If their parents had brought them up correctly, they would know that it is RUDE to stare at someone!!

well I guess that’s it for today. I have had the day to myself for the first time in a long time, and I have been using the time to clean up house which badly needed to be done. I’ve only been cleaning for about an hour, and I feel so much better already!

laterzz!

Tags: be proud, self esteem, bald spots by Isis
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