Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

still pretty bad.  the whole right side is becoming bald… starting to creep further around the back of my head and the top of my head where it’s reachable under the extension cap…

scalp is starting to get swollen from the trauma.  It feels so good that I can’t stop.  but it’s making me feel awful… knowing how long it’s going to take now for that to grow back.. it’ll start to look normal maybe 6 months from now..

it’s pretty constant now.  during class, in the car, and at night in bed are the worst times.  It feels like I’m always pulling.  There are piles of hair everywhere.  It’s gross yet doesn’t stop me from what I’m doing.   Thankfully I’ve been able to leave my lashes and brows mostly alone… although I plucked a little from those areas too.

at the point where I feel helpless and hopeless… =/   and so stressed out about it starting to become noticeably visible even under the extensions…  people are going to start asking any day now, I know it….

I think I’m going to give my therapist a call tomorrow.  I have an appointment to see her on Weds, but I don’t think I can wait that long .. I need some help….

Tags: pulling in class, follicle biting, sore, pulling in bed, pulling in morning, pulled all day, constant pulling, embarrassment, pulling at night, follicle obsession, trauma caused by pulling, hair extensions, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, relapse, trichster, bald spots, stress by Isis
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The extension cap has moved further back and is exposing the crown, which I’ve already caused a lot of damage to.  The snow DID indeed cause my appointment last week to be cancelled, and my only other option was to wait an entire week to schedule for the following Wednesday.  Thanks a lot, New England.

In this time I’ve been particularly bad.  I haven’t seen my temporary therapist in some time now and I don’t much see the point of even going to see her at this point as my regular therapist is almost back from her leave.  I will probably see the temporary one more time in the interim.   And hopefully my appointment this Weds will be kept, although it looks like we’re getting even more snow soon. Wonderful!    If not for my appointment getting cancelled last week, none of this severe crown damage would have happened. I am very upset about it.  =(   It’s going to take a very long time for that to grow back now.

The hair on my sides is entirely missing again, as it usually is, but thankfully the extension cap does a good job at hiding this.  The pain and soreness of my scalp is a depressing reminder of the tearing and ripping ..  which I did some of… but usually, it was the singular pulls, and that’s really what kept me locked into doing it for so long.  Everything about it…  the feeling of the hair.  The pleasurable feeling when the hair was pulled… the sound it makes.  Somehow even the sound is good right now.  And of course the biting of the follicle.I just try to remember that right now I’m in a pulling state … and that for awhile, my mind was completely removed from all of this and in a more normal state.  I will be able to get back there again, but I’m going to need the help I was getting before.  And until then, all I can do is try and hide it.  =/

Tags: pulling in bed, obsession, follicle obsession, sore, follicle biting, embarrassment, pulling in morning, pulling in class, follicles, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, depression, pulling from scalp, crown, trichster, bald spots, trich by Isis
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wow, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated.  I guess I’ve been so busy with school and other stuff that it hasn’t been on my mind too much.   Although I’ve tried a few new things since the last time I wrote (started seeing the homeopath about 6 weeks ago, got ridiculously expensive fusion hair extensions from one of the supposedly best salons from around here, they ended up being AWFUL!!),  I am still largely in the same place as before.  I’ve got 3 huge bald patches in the usual places… crown and either side, near temples.I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, so I’m not surprised I’m not doing too well at the moment.  I’m also depressed because of the hair stuff and some other things in general.  Thanks to my acrylic nails though, I still have my brows and lashes, at least.  I am currently on the waitlist for the MGH Trich clinic, and it could be several months before I get in there.  I hope it’s sooner.  :/   I will go into more detail about some of the stuff I’ve tried, next time  I write, which will hopefully not be too much longer from now.   But I thought I’d put a brief entry in here for the time being.   so.. until then..

Tags: pulling at desk, sore, pulling in bed, white hair, pulling in class, pulling in morning, mgh trich clinic, pulling at night, school stress, pulling at mirror, self esteem, crown, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, depression, pulling from scalp, trichster, bald spots, alternative healing, stress by Isis
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I had a couple of PF days since I was pretty much around my bf for those couple days, and wasn’t all that bored,  but today… I have pulled ALL.  DAY.  =((   like… 12 hours  =(   even in the car, while driving!!   I’m going to get in an accident if I don’t get that under control  =(    all started from looking at those STUPID white hairs that I have so many of now…  I really am going to have to try and understand that I have to stop letting them bother me, cuz they’re not going to go away!!  I just have to continously dye them so this doesn’t keep on happening… just a few white hairs doomed my entire day  =(

this SUCKS, I don’t know what to do right now, and now I’ve got 2 really big spots right on the front of my crown near my forehead, literally impossible to hide, gonna have to keep putting black dye on,  some of those pulls actually legitimately hurt really badly, too, (since it’s the fine hair in the front),  but that still didn’t stop me.  my scalp really hurts now.   I think I’m going to try taking an ativan (I have some for anxiety/sleep issues)  and see if that helps  =(

I am so upset now,  I thought I was doing good…

time to start slathering on the ointments and getting the LED lamp out again like some kinda cancer patient,  I feel disgusting…

someday this won’t control me,  hold me tightly in it’s grip for hours…

but that day isn’t now  =/

Tags: sore, restlessness, white hair, follicle biting, hair dye, pulled all day, anti-anxiety meds, self esteem, relapse, trichotillomania, ttm, trich, depression, pulling, crown, bald spots, medication by Isis
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well the first few days went fine.  But on Tuesday I had a really awful time.  I pulled for 2 hours =/  even when I was in the car with my SO …  usually I can refrain from doing it around other people.   Maybe it was because I’d been restraining myself for the days before …

actually though, I even pulled a little bit while I was driving, a few days before that… Fri I think..   I was extremely stressed out and driving in unfamiliar territory ….  but I can’t believe I was actually doing it while I was driving… how dangerous…. luckily that didn’t last for too long..

some of the more severe pulling was definetely brought on by my inability to resist pulling at my white ones, when I’d look in the mirror before bed.  There are a lot of them now…  so I got some black hair dye to cover them up so that I can hopefully stop noticing them so much.

my scalp is sore again, on the right side near my ear, which is one of my usual spots.

still though, I think once the extensions are in, they’ll barely be noticeable.  I am getting them done tomorrow.  Flying out to Chicago tonight.

thank the lord there are hair professionals out there..

Tags: sore, white hair, relapse, hair extensions by Isis
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