Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

it feels at the moment almost like I’m even more anxious than before.  Small things are setting me off and making my heart pound.  Getting irritated this morning over something was suddenly feeling very extreme.

something frightening happened on my way to work in the afternoon.  A friend was driving me, and we were in a rush since I was on the late side.  He was going maybe 40 miles an hour?  The road is sort of a freeway - but there was a light, turning yellow ahead of us.  I felt like we were SPEEDING towards this light that was going to be red by the time we went through it.  I thought, “we’re never going to make it!!”  and suddenly the stress and anxiety of this felt SO horrible and uncomfortable that I felt this weird, strong jolt/shudder through my entire body and I felt my hands clamp down the arms of the seat as if I were going to fly out of it.  It was *almost* similar to the feeling one gets on a roller coaster the minute it starts to drop down.  It was NOT cool at all.  VERY unpleasant… and scared the living shit out of me.  I felt for a moment like I’d die!
Can’t imagine that was very good for my mind.. or body.. =/

Then I remembered that I’ve gotten these jolts before.. .and I think it was during another time I was on an SSRI, although I’m not 100% sure on that. But it was always when in a car and stressed out.  (I have fairly moderate anxiety when driving or being a passenger in the city, due to a number of accidents I’ve been in)

I hope this isn’t gonna continue =/   I know it’s still very early and the first couple of weeks are unpleasant.   I really hope the good will eventually outweigh the bad.

Tags: anti-depressants, welbutrin, SSRI's, anxiety, medication, side effects, stress by Isis
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man.  So I’ve had a better week with the hair pulling… however, while writing an email just now, and laying in bed (another trigger.. .I probably should have been more cautious about this even just due to those 2 factors…) I was stressing out over the situation… and barely even noticing that I was steadily pulling at my right eyebrow this entire time.  Now… 20 minutes later… the email is written, and sent.  And I am missing almost my entire eyebrow.  =(On a regular basis I often think to myself, “It’s ok. At least I’ve had my eyebrows for a long time.”  Eyebrows used to be a big problem for me…I hardly ever had full brows a year or two ago.  I was constantly worrying about the drawn in eyebrows coming off in situations.  Especially around my boyfriend.  Now I’m going to see my boyfriend tomorrow for the first time in awhile.  Spend the night… and be all worried about my one eyebrow smudging off, the whole time…into the night, and the morning.  Now I have to carry around an eye pencil again and worry about putting on makeup for the next month until it grows back.  =(  The next MONTH!   And I’m going on a vacation in 2 weeks with a friend… where we’ll be swimming… thank god this is a trusted friend who knows about my problem… so I don’t have to be as worried… but still… it looks awful……….. I look diseased again =(This just shows how dangerous and aggressive pulling can be when it’s a secondary action… my main action was writing the email, but there was stress involved, on top of a trigger situation… and I wasn’t able to work hard at resisting…. and it just happened so fast… now the aftermath is going to last for a long time.  =(   Blahhh.  After I had such a decent week with the other hairpulling…This is the first time in I can’t even remember how long since I’ve had missing eyebrows…. dammit…  I hope I can hold onto the other one and that isn’t the next target…..

Tags: restlessness, pulling in bed, embarrassment, anxiety, pulling eyebrows, relapse, stress, side effects, trichotillomania, eyebrows by Isis
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still pretty bad.  the whole right side is becoming bald… starting to creep further around the back of my head and the top of my head where it’s reachable under the extension cap…

scalp is starting to get swollen from the trauma.  It feels so good that I can’t stop.  but it’s making me feel awful… knowing how long it’s going to take now for that to grow back.. it’ll start to look normal maybe 6 months from now..

it’s pretty constant now.  during class, in the car, and at night in bed are the worst times.  It feels like I’m always pulling.  There are piles of hair everywhere.  It’s gross yet doesn’t stop me from what I’m doing.   Thankfully I’ve been able to leave my lashes and brows mostly alone… although I plucked a little from those areas too.

at the point where I feel helpless and hopeless… =/   and so stressed out about it starting to become noticeably visible even under the extensions…  people are going to start asking any day now, I know it….

I think I’m going to give my therapist a call tomorrow.  I have an appointment to see her on Weds, but I don’t think I can wait that long .. I need some help….

Tags: pulling in class, follicle biting, sore, pulling in bed, pulling in morning, pulled all day, constant pulling, embarrassment, pulling at night, follicle obsession, trauma caused by pulling, hair extensions, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, relapse, trichster, bald spots, stress by Isis
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The streak is over.  Actually, it ended the day after I made my last post, sadly enough.   A combination of things … environment, bored/restlessness … and I succumbed.  There have been a few bad days since then.  Usually triggered by stress or in one case, anger.  I’m getting the extensions put back in later this week sometime.  I was so happy about the thickness of my hair, but I’ve already made a few thin spots on the sides again…. c’est la vie.  At least I made it about two weeks this time.  That’s an improvement over the last time, which was about a week pull-free … several months back… the key seems to be to abstain as long as possible… once you’re back into it… you’re back into it and it’s really hard to stop.  So… hopefully… better luck next time around…  now, if I can just get it stabilized again before too much time passes…

Tags: bald spots, relapse, anxiety, pulling from scalp, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, stress by Isis
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sad to say that nothing’s changed, although I have to admit I haven’t been trying very hard. I’ve been away traveling and dealing with grief and stress… haven’t seen my Dr in awhile.  the Naltrexone doesn’t seem to really be doing much on its own. <p>

I now have a bunch of very large spots all over my head, (the follicle obsession has been VERY strong recently… spend a lot of time thinking/obsessing over it even when I’m not doing it) and for the first time I pulled a lot from the very front, the fine wispy stuff around my forehead, so I’ve got these like 3-inch around circles coming in on both sides of my forehead… VERY hard to hide, I’ve been having to basically wear a headband any time I go out.  getting to feel pretty awkward around my partner.  I’m worried about how long it’s going to take those spots to fill in because the fine hair always takes a lot longer.  *sigh*  =/

Tags: trauma caused by pulling, follicle obsession, follicle biting, naltrexone, follicles, bald spots, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, stress by Isis
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