Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

sad to say that nothing’s changed, although I have to admit I haven’t been trying very hard. I’ve been away traveling and dealing with grief and stress… haven’t seen my Dr in awhile.  the Naltrexone doesn’t seem to really be doing much on its own. <p>

I now have a bunch of very large spots all over my head, (the follicle obsession has been VERY strong recently… spend a lot of time thinking/obsessing over it even when I’m not doing it) and for the first time I pulled a lot from the very front, the fine wispy stuff around my forehead, so I’ve got these like 3-inch around circles coming in on both sides of my forehead… VERY hard to hide, I’ve been having to basically wear a headband any time I go out.  getting to feel pretty awkward around my partner.  I’m worried about how long it’s going to take those spots to fill in because the fine hair always takes a lot longer.  *sigh*  =/

Tags: trauma caused by pulling, follicle obsession, follicle biting, naltrexone, follicles, bald spots, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, stress by Isis
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wish I was able to update a little more often. but there’s so little time sometimes, and then when there is… the last thing I want to do is write about my hair-pulling problem…

anyway, I went off the Zoloft because of a few things. 1, I was starting to feel a little “weird” …  a side effect of being on anti-depressants.  The sexual dysfunction issue was a problem.  I thought I didn’t mind it at first but it started to get to me.  And finally, I wasn’t noticing any change in the hair pulling frequency… although the Dr. recommended that I try doubling the dose to get the desired effect… I just didn’t want to do that.

Then I spiraled into an uncontrollable and very fast decline over the last month which has left me with about 30% of my hair intact. At first I tried to disguise this as a mowhawk, but the mowhawk only lasted about a week before that was half gone, too.  It was so bad in this last week that it’s all right in front of my crown and pretty impossible to hide even by wearing a headband in front.  I pulled so much there that it caused these weird, irritated and itchy little bumps on my scalp. (wtf??) … the skin is all sore and scaly feeling there.  :[  I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, as I’m going through a very traumatic and trying time.  (I lost my father at the end of Jan… then a whole bunch of other bad shit started happening… getting evicted… loosing what I thought were good friends… etc etc)   even my therapist (the lovely Dr Sarah Markowitz at MGH)  agreed that now may not be the best time to be very concerned over the hair stuff.  so… we’re going to work on more pressing issues for awhile and then get back to the hair issue.

In the meantime… I’m now trying Naltrexone.  My partner is actually on Naltrexone to fight his alcoholism.  My Harvard psychology professor recommended that as an option awhile back… and now I’m trying it.  It’s an opiod blocker … helps with addictions… what I’m hoping it will do is decrease the urge to pull, and also take away the pleasurable feeling that I am addicted to.  It’s been 3 days, and the first 2 days I was extremely tired.  But already the pleasurable feeling seems to be decreasing, so that’s a good sign.I guess we’ll see how this goes…… here’s hoping for some better results than the anti-depressants…

Tags: trauma caused by pulling, relapse, pulled all day, zoloft, anti-depressants, naltrexone, trichster, bald spots, trich, medication, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling, stress by Isis
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yeah… I ended up shaving my head a couple hours after the last post.  so, I’m hanging out with my friend later anyway.  oh well.

now its going to be 3-5 months before those little spots fill in… it’s such a long-lasting effect to deal with for just a few hours of pleasure…

I went to get a massage today, that included a bit of a face massage with oil.  the woman said I was “brave for wearing a shaved head” but it looked great on me.   I thanked her (I happen to be lucky and do have a nicely shaped skull) but then a few minutes later when she massaged my face with the oil, my eyebrows must have come off because she then said, “oh, but you pluck all of your eyebrows off… I cannot compliment you for that!”

I should probably just be more open with strangers in situations like that, then maybe they wouldn’t say dumb crap like that.

actually, I’d say the eyebrows are about 30% grown in.   It’s about…12 more days or so til I see my boy/friend … I think they’ll be almost grown in by then… enough to look ok at least, even if the makeup does get smudged off.

Tags: self esteem, trauma caused by pulling, awkwardness, shaved head, trichster, bald spots, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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Not much has changed… (it hasn’t been that long since my last entry, though…) still awaiting regrowth from my brows and scalp…….   Getting so very tired of having to buzz my hair off to keep it somewhat even looking… its such an ordeal…  it takes 15-20 minutes to cut… then cleaning up all the hair that gets all over the floor and the sink…  then getting in the shower to get rid of whatever tiny pieces of hair remain on my shoulders/neck…   those little pieces of hair stick around FOREVER… and it’s so itchy if I put on a shirt immediately after cutting it… so I can’t ever skip the shower afterwards…  all in all it’s about an hour process that I have to do at least once a week… so annoying… actually, as I write this, I’ve got a few of those little pieces of cut hair sticking into me from the shirt I put on even after taking the shower… and it’s so damned itchy… ugh!!!!   =(

Tags: trichster, trauma caused by pulling, bald spots, trichotillomania, ttm, trich by Isis
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well, I haven’t been able to stop yet……
spots are starting to creep up and around… behind….
EVERYWHERE.  =/    I don’t know how I’m gonna cover this up… unless I can get some more extensions… just posted  in the services wanted section on craigslist… praying that someone will be able to do what I need….

my hair just felt so kinky and coarse in this one area that I couldn’t leave it alone.   I wiped out the whole area over a period of maybe 4 hours while sitting here at my computer.  it felt so good to pull it.   there’s a giant pile of hair on the desk & floor…
I often look at those piles after they have accumulated and wish so hard that I could just see it all float up off the ground… and back into my head…  where it was so quickly removed from…

even as I write this, I can’t stop doing it…

the skin is inflamed and irritated there.  it always gets puffy for awhile afterwards.   I noticed some kind of … liquid on my scalp about an hour ago  (after several hours of non stop pulling)  There’s just… wetness in that spot… I thought that it was blood… but I dabbed it with a paper towel and saw hardly anything, just a faint off-colored mark on the paper towel where it had dabbed this liquid.  Pus?   wtf is this?!  =/

I dont know… I am doing severe damage to myself right now, and I can’t stop….  this is going to take so long to come back in….   it hurts so much and yet it feels too good to stop…

my finger and thumb are so sore from the consistant pulling over the last few days.   a few days ago it was so that if my wig or bandana came off… at the right angle, it wouldn’t be noticeable… but it is now at the point… (again)… where it’s IMPOSSIBLE to hide this.   =(

someone I had not seen for awhile… saw me last week….    and commented on it.   I felt horrible…. and somewhat ashamed.   but people just don’t understand that this is a disease… not just a dumb habit.

the thin layer of liquidy stuff keeps coming back even if I wipe it away…. its making the hair slippery and harder to pull…which only makes me more determined…..

I’m literally praying that I can find a new extensionist to help me hide this mess I’ve made… .it worked so well before… I felt so much better and more confident….and not ugly…   if anyone out there is the praying type as well…  please send a little hope my way!

I’m going to go put some ointment on my injured scalp…. and sit in front of my heat lamp…  and try not to feel miserable…..

Tags: relapse, trauma caused by pulling, bald spots, depression, ttm, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
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