Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

Not much has changed… (it hasn’t been that long since my last entry, though…) still awaiting regrowth from my brows and scalp…….   Getting so very tired of having to buzz my hair off to keep it somewhat even looking… its such an ordeal…  it takes 15-20 minutes to cut… then cleaning up all the hair that gets all over the floor and the sink…  then getting in the shower to get rid of whatever tiny pieces of hair remain on my shoulders/neck…   those little pieces of hair stick around FOREVER… and it’s so itchy if I put on a shirt immediately after cutting it… so I can’t ever skip the shower afterwards…  all in all it’s about an hour process that I have to do at least once a week… so annoying… actually, as I write this, I’ve got a few of those little pieces of cut hair sticking into me from the shirt I put on even after taking the shower… and it’s so damned itchy… ugh!!!!   =(

Tags: trichster, trauma caused by pulling, bald spots, trichotillomania, ttm, trich by Isis
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well, I haven’t been able to stop yet……
spots are starting to creep up and around… behind….
EVERYWHERE.  =/    I don’t know how I’m gonna cover this up… unless I can get some more extensions… just posted  in the services wanted section on craigslist… praying that someone will be able to do what I need….

my hair just felt so kinky and coarse in this one area that I couldn’t leave it alone.   I wiped out the whole area over a period of maybe 4 hours while sitting here at my computer.  it felt so good to pull it.   there’s a giant pile of hair on the desk & floor…
I often look at those piles after they have accumulated and wish so hard that I could just see it all float up off the ground… and back into my head…  where it was so quickly removed from…

even as I write this, I can’t stop doing it…

the skin is inflamed and irritated there.  it always gets puffy for awhile afterwards.   I noticed some kind of … liquid on my scalp about an hour ago  (after several hours of non stop pulling)  There’s just… wetness in that spot… I thought that it was blood… but I dabbed it with a paper towel and saw hardly anything, just a faint off-colored mark on the paper towel where it had dabbed this liquid.  Pus?   wtf is this?!  =/

I dont know… I am doing severe damage to myself right now, and I can’t stop….  this is going to take so long to come back in….   it hurts so much and yet it feels too good to stop…

my finger and thumb are so sore from the consistant pulling over the last few days.   a few days ago it was so that if my wig or bandana came off… at the right angle, it wouldn’t be noticeable… but it is now at the point… (again)… where it’s IMPOSSIBLE to hide this.   =(

someone I had not seen for awhile… saw me last week….    and commented on it.   I felt horrible…. and somewhat ashamed.   but people just don’t understand that this is a disease… not just a dumb habit.

the thin layer of liquidy stuff keeps coming back even if I wipe it away…. its making the hair slippery and harder to pull…which only makes me more determined…..

I’m literally praying that I can find a new extensionist to help me hide this mess I’ve made… .it worked so well before… I felt so much better and more confident….and not ugly…   if anyone out there is the praying type as well…  please send a little hope my way!

I’m going to go put some ointment on my injured scalp…. and sit in front of my heat lamp…  and try not to feel miserable…..

Tags: relapse, trauma caused by pulling, bald spots, depression, ttm, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
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Looking in the mirror and seeing the gray hair is awful, since I can’t NOT pull it out.  Even people that don’t suffer with trich are likely to remove the gray hairs, it just happens to be worse for people like me.  I noticed recently that more and more and MORE gray hairs have been appearing.   Rapidly.  This leads to more and more pulling, until every one is gone.

However, I recently read that the gray hairs are likely being caused, not by aging and growing old, but by the act of repeated pulling.  What happens is the color sac gets damaged, and thus the shaft will turn white.  The color sac DOES eventually heal itself, and the hair’s color will return to it’s normal state… but this apparently takes several months to happen, and if you keep pulling the hair out… well, it will never fix itself.

This info was obtained through one of <a href=”http://trich.org” target=”_blank”> TLC’s </a> seminars, which someone reported on in their own blog.  (Can’t remember who, I read this a little while ago)

so…  as hard as it is NOT to keep pulling the white hair… DON’T!!  I’ve decided to keep my roots dyed lessen the amount of pulling I do.  out of sight, out of mind… indeed.    I really hope that all of the hair I’ve turned white just recently.. .will start to mend itself… cuz there really is a good deal of it there now.  argh.

Tags: white hair, trauma caused by pulling, pulling from scalp, trichotillomania, ttm, trich by Isis
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