Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

still pretty bad.  the whole right side is becoming bald… starting to creep further around the back of my head and the top of my head where it’s reachable under the extension cap…

scalp is starting to get swollen from the trauma.  It feels so good that I can’t stop.  but it’s making me feel awful… knowing how long it’s going to take now for that to grow back.. it’ll start to look normal maybe 6 months from now..

it’s pretty constant now.  during class, in the car, and at night in bed are the worst times.  It feels like I’m always pulling.  There are piles of hair everywhere.  It’s gross yet doesn’t stop me from what I’m doing.   Thankfully I’ve been able to leave my lashes and brows mostly alone… although I plucked a little from those areas too.

at the point where I feel helpless and hopeless… =/   and so stressed out about it starting to become noticeably visible even under the extensions…  people are going to start asking any day now, I know it….

I think I’m going to give my therapist a call tomorrow.  I have an appointment to see her on Weds, but I don’t think I can wait that long .. I need some help….

Tags: pulling in class, follicle biting, sore, pulling in bed, pulling in morning, pulled all day, constant pulling, embarrassment, pulling at night, follicle obsession, trauma caused by pulling, hair extensions, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, relapse, trichster, bald spots, stress by Isis
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The extension cap has moved further back and is exposing the crown, which I’ve already caused a lot of damage to.  The snow DID indeed cause my appointment last week to be cancelled, and my only other option was to wait an entire week to schedule for the following Wednesday.  Thanks a lot, New England.

In this time I’ve been particularly bad.  I haven’t seen my temporary therapist in some time now and I don’t much see the point of even going to see her at this point as my regular therapist is almost back from her leave.  I will probably see the temporary one more time in the interim.   And hopefully my appointment this Weds will be kept, although it looks like we’re getting even more snow soon. Wonderful!    If not for my appointment getting cancelled last week, none of this severe crown damage would have happened. I am very upset about it.  =(   It’s going to take a very long time for that to grow back now.

The hair on my sides is entirely missing again, as it usually is, but thankfully the extension cap does a good job at hiding this.  The pain and soreness of my scalp is a depressing reminder of the tearing and ripping ..  which I did some of… but usually, it was the singular pulls, and that’s really what kept me locked into doing it for so long.  Everything about it…  the feeling of the hair.  The pleasurable feeling when the hair was pulled… the sound it makes.  Somehow even the sound is good right now.  And of course the biting of the follicle.I just try to remember that right now I’m in a pulling state … and that for awhile, my mind was completely removed from all of this and in a more normal state.  I will be able to get back there again, but I’m going to need the help I was getting before.  And until then, all I can do is try and hide it.  =/

Tags: pulling in bed, obsession, follicle obsession, sore, follicle biting, embarrassment, pulling in morning, pulling in class, follicles, relapse, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, depression, pulling from scalp, crown, trichster, bald spots, trich by Isis
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Still doing poorly.  The urges are frequent and usually very strong.  The side areas on both sides are now very bare… once again.  The only reason the crown isn’t in the same state is because of the weave cap covering the top.  It’s itching now as I speak.  I hate wearing these things, but without them… I’d have no hair.

and so the struggle continues.  The depression regarding the situation is said to make me more prone to pulling episodes, so it’s like a vicious cycle.  I need to re-find that motivation that I had so much of for awhile, not so long ago.  Quitting hair pulling is such hard work.  Although, I’ve taken note of the fact that for me, a lot of the temptation of pulling has to do with biting the hair follicle afterwards.  I’ve been aware of how much I liked this aspect of pulling all along, but didn’t stop to think of how much less I want to do it, if I CAN’T bite the follicle afterwards.  The follicle itself is such an obsession.  The way it looks… the plumpness of a “good” one… the little pop it makes when you bite it… and sometimes, the irregular ones… with a red tip (that no one seems to know exactly what it is…) that makes the follicle harder and pop more when it’s bitten. It’s like a sick kind of “prize”.  (If the hair is white, follicle or not, that seems to be another reinforcement of the behavior…as it’s another irregularity)

This whole part of the ritual is quite powerful.  I’ve tried gum before but it’s too easy to push it to the back of the mouth to bite with the front teeth.  As silly as this sounds.. during Halloween time, I had my custom vampire fangs in, the kind that just fit over the two front teeth… and it made it impossible to close my mouth all the way while they were in.  There were several times I went to pull a hair and then stopped, mid-reach, thinking, “I can’t bite it…”  and this actually stopped me.   I told my temporary doctor about this and she very seriously suggested that I wear the teeth more often, when I am at home alone and most vulnerable to pulling.

so… I guess I’m going to try that although it’ll take some getting used to.  I need a crutch until I can find my strength again. =/    gloves help too… but only for awhile until my hand gets unbearably sweaty and I take them off…

Tags: follicles, self esteem, white hair, trauma caused by pulling, follicle biting, follicle obsession, relapse, trichster, hair extensions, ttm, trichotillomania, depression, bald spots, pulling, trich by Isis
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The streak is over.  Actually, it ended the day after I made my last post, sadly enough.   A combination of things … environment, bored/restlessness … and I succumbed.  There have been a few bad days since then.  Usually triggered by stress or in one case, anger.  I’m getting the extensions put back in later this week sometime.  I was so happy about the thickness of my hair, but I’ve already made a few thin spots on the sides again…. c’est la vie.  At least I made it about two weeks this time.  That’s an improvement over the last time, which was about a week pull-free … several months back… the key seems to be to abstain as long as possible… once you’re back into it… you’re back into it and it’s really hard to stop.  So… hopefully… better luck next time around…  now, if I can just get it stabilized again before too much time passes…

Tags: bald spots, relapse, anxiety, pulling from scalp, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, stress by Isis
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I am pleased to say that I’ve been doing better lately.   I’ve been keeping my goals in mind and trying to keep picturing myself with a long, full head of hair.  I’ve also been bookmarking photos of models and performers with astoundingly cool hair and looking at them from time to time for inspiration.   I have my extensions in part to thank for my recent success, but they’re on their way out pretty soon (it’s been about 2 months now)  and I’m a little nervous about taking them out in a few days.   I don’t think I’m ready to try leaving them out for a long time, so I’m going to give myself around a week and see how I do.  My therapist and I came up with a good list of strategies for the upcoming week, including, staying busy, spending time out and with friends, not going to bed until I’m extremely tired, checking in with myself every hour… etc.    I hope it goes alright!

Tags: treatmeant, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
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