Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

yesterday’s meeting went well.  I’ve been doing a little better resisting the urges to pull my hair lately.   We came up with a good rewards/goal system yesterday.  For every block of time during the day that I don’t pull (4 hour blocks), I get 1 point.   When I have 50 points, I will treat myself to a massage at the end of the week.   Realistically, I can’t afford to do it more than twice a month, so thats why the points number is high.  So far it’s been helping to keep me motivated.  I also put a big note to myself on my bathroom wall next to my mirror, “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!”  and that’s been helping to keep me reminded.  My roommate has no idea it’s about my trichotillomania, so it’s great.that’s the report for now.  Wish me luck!

Tags: mgh trich clinic boston, cognitive behavioral therapy, tips, self esteem, trichotillomania, trichster, trich by Isis
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wish I was able to update a little more often. but there’s so little time sometimes, and then when there is… the last thing I want to do is write about my hair-pulling problem…

anyway, I went off the Zoloft because of a few things. 1, I was starting to feel a little “weird” …  a side effect of being on anti-depressants.  The sexual dysfunction issue was a problem.  I thought I didn’t mind it at first but it started to get to me.  And finally, I wasn’t noticing any change in the hair pulling frequency… although the Dr. recommended that I try doubling the dose to get the desired effect… I just didn’t want to do that.

Then I spiraled into an uncontrollable and very fast decline over the last month which has left me with about 30% of my hair intact. At first I tried to disguise this as a mowhawk, but the mowhawk only lasted about a week before that was half gone, too.  It was so bad in this last week that it’s all right in front of my crown and pretty impossible to hide even by wearing a headband in front.  I pulled so much there that it caused these weird, irritated and itchy little bumps on my scalp. (wtf??) … the skin is all sore and scaly feeling there.  :[  I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, as I’m going through a very traumatic and trying time.  (I lost my father at the end of Jan… then a whole bunch of other bad shit started happening… getting evicted… loosing what I thought were good friends… etc etc)   even my therapist (the lovely Dr Sarah Markowitz at MGH)  agreed that now may not be the best time to be very concerned over the hair stuff.  so… we’re going to work on more pressing issues for awhile and then get back to the hair issue.

In the meantime… I’m now trying Naltrexone.  My partner is actually on Naltrexone to fight his alcoholism.  My Harvard psychology professor recommended that as an option awhile back… and now I’m trying it.  It’s an opiod blocker … helps with addictions… what I’m hoping it will do is decrease the urge to pull, and also take away the pleasurable feeling that I am addicted to.  It’s been 3 days, and the first 2 days I was extremely tired.  But already the pleasurable feeling seems to be decreasing, so that’s a good sign.I guess we’ll see how this goes…… here’s hoping for some better results than the anti-depressants…

Tags: trauma caused by pulling, relapse, pulled all day, zoloft, anti-depressants, naltrexone, trichster, bald spots, trich, medication, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling, stress by Isis
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wow, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated.  I guess I’ve been so busy with school and other stuff that it hasn’t been on my mind too much.   Although I’ve tried a few new things since the last time I wrote (started seeing the homeopath about 6 weeks ago, got ridiculously expensive fusion hair extensions from one of the supposedly best salons from around here, they ended up being AWFUL!!),  I am still largely in the same place as before.  I’ve got 3 huge bald patches in the usual places… crown and either side, near temples.I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, so I’m not surprised I’m not doing too well at the moment.  I’m also depressed because of the hair stuff and some other things in general.  Thanks to my acrylic nails though, I still have my brows and lashes, at least.  I am currently on the waitlist for the MGH Trich clinic, and it could be several months before I get in there.  I hope it’s sooner.  :/   I will go into more detail about some of the stuff I’ve tried, next time  I write, which will hopefully not be too much longer from now.   But I thought I’d put a brief entry in here for the time being.   so.. until then..

Tags: pulling at desk, sore, pulling in bed, white hair, pulling in class, pulling in morning, mgh trich clinic, pulling at night, school stress, pulling at mirror, self esteem, crown, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, depression, pulling from scalp, trichster, bald spots, alternative healing, stress by Isis
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it’s awful.
I took pictures today. the spot started off being the size of a dime, within the week it had turned into what it is now. it happened, as it usually does, very fuckin’ rapidly.

spot pic 1
pic 2

this is what happens every time I try to grow my hair out in the last several years. I don’t even know how many times I’ve tried to grow it - I’ve lost count.

although it looks disgusting and freaks me out… I can’t stop. I’m even pulling right now. I’m already back under the spell … the satisfying feel of the pull.. the sound it makes … seeing how many fat follicles I’ve gotten with each pull. biting them between my teeth when I get a good one. pulling to get more good ones, and being annoyed when there aren’t any …

my fingertips are sore; my scalp is too. it’s red from the abuse. I’ve been sitting, hunched over at my LED light each night feeling like a cancer patient going for some kind of radiation… then applying “do gro” cream to the spot …

the same ritual I’ve done for 2+ years now, it’s so awful … I feel so weird while going through the motions.. and let’s not forget the time consumption..

my room is surrounded by wigs, I have so many of them now. there’s fake hair EVERYWHERE.

yet I can’t stop, now that my hair is long enough to pull. I did notice that I have been able to stop myself a bit more than usual lately, by trying to remind myself that no matter HOW good it feels, the feeling is NOT worth the misery for so many months afterward.

I don’t know what I’m going to do to hide this =( the BF is going to see it soon, there’s no way he won’t… it’s really hard to hide since my hair is so short, there’s nothing to cover it. and I can’t wear a wig to bed… or a hat! =( I mean, the spot is even big enough now that if he rubs his hand over my head, he’ll FEEL it, even if it’s totally dark in the room.

I’m frantically searching for some way to make my own extensions ….to cover the spot and also keep my fingers from getting at my hair… but my hair isnt even really long enough to put clips into yet, ones that will stay, anyway. =( how do men hide it?? I think I’m going to try and find out what guys do… because my hair is as short as most guy’s hair is , right now…

*sigh* … I rubbed the spot just now, since it’s sore … the fresh bald spots always feel so weird, almost like… rubbery… the skin is just so bare and raw feeling… its like rubber…

it won’t be long now before there are spots of this size in other places, too … its the same pattern that happens time and time again…

I wonder… maybe, if I got some fake plastic nails … long ones on my thumb and index finger… if I’d be unable to get a good grip then…

hmm… might have to look into it…

man… I really hope some new solutions for trich sufferers come out in the next few years… it’s starting to become well-enough known about now that I’m sure there have to be people working on things…

Tags: follicle obsession, follicles, l.e.d. light healing, pictures, follicle biting, pulling in bed, relapse, trichster, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, bald spots, pulling from scalp, eyebrows by Isis
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lots of damage done today ….

would rather just shave it again like I said I was going to keep it cuz I knew I wasn’t strong enough to let it go…

but it’s winter now and shaved heads are freezing…

and pressure to grow it from the significant other …. had me caving….

=(

maybe I can glue some extensions into it somehow, even though its extremely short (barely an inch) … otherwise… no way to hide the many bald patches already present… small for now but undoubtedly will be much bigger, very soon…

been in bed, sick, most of the day, and restless/bored…  definetely a high contributing factor…

bleghhh.

head is sore… finger tips are sore… but yet, I keep on going of course…

Tags: relapse, pulling in bed, sore, trichster, bald spots, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling from scalp, trich by Isis
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