Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

Still doing poorly.  The urges are frequent and usually very strong.  The side areas on both sides are now very bare… once again.  The only reason the crown isn’t in the same state is because of the weave cap covering the top.  It’s itching now as I speak.  I hate wearing these things, but without them… I’d have no hair.

and so the struggle continues.  The depression regarding the situation is said to make me more prone to pulling episodes, so it’s like a vicious cycle.  I need to re-find that motivation that I had so much of for awhile, not so long ago.  Quitting hair pulling is such hard work.  Although, I’ve taken note of the fact that for me, a lot of the temptation of pulling has to do with biting the hair follicle afterwards.  I’ve been aware of how much I liked this aspect of pulling all along, but didn’t stop to think of how much less I want to do it, if I CAN’T bite the follicle afterwards.  The follicle itself is such an obsession.  The way it looks… the plumpness of a “good” one… the little pop it makes when you bite it… and sometimes, the irregular ones… with a red tip (that no one seems to know exactly what it is…) that makes the follicle harder and pop more when it’s bitten. It’s like a sick kind of “prize”.  (If the hair is white, follicle or not, that seems to be another reinforcement of the behavior…as it’s another irregularity)

This whole part of the ritual is quite powerful.  I’ve tried gum before but it’s too easy to push it to the back of the mouth to bite with the front teeth.  As silly as this sounds.. during Halloween time, I had my custom vampire fangs in, the kind that just fit over the two front teeth… and it made it impossible to close my mouth all the way while they were in.  There were several times I went to pull a hair and then stopped, mid-reach, thinking, “I can’t bite it…”  and this actually stopped me.   I told my temporary doctor about this and she very seriously suggested that I wear the teeth more often, when I am at home alone and most vulnerable to pulling.

so… I guess I’m going to try that although it’ll take some getting used to.  I need a crutch until I can find my strength again. =/    gloves help too… but only for awhile until my hand gets unbearably sweaty and I take them off…

Tags: follicles, self esteem, white hair, trauma caused by pulling, follicle biting, follicle obsession, relapse, trichster, hair extensions, ttm, trichotillomania, depression, bald spots, pulling, trich by Isis
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well, it’s been a month now since I started cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).I am sad to say that I don’t see much of a difference yet.  My awareness has been increased a bit, but it has gotten no easier to stop the behavior, despite coming up with a list of incompatible behaviors (putting a hat or gloves on, clasping hands, moving around, etc) … the urge is just too strong for any of that to work.

so, I am taking the plunge and trying medication to go along with the CBT, which is the most successful way of going about this…….I am not sure which medication will be tried first, but I am sure there will be a period of unpleasant trial and error, and I’m sure I’m not going to like the side effects of whatever SSRI I am taking… but… at this point, I am willing to sacrifice other things (like my sexual functionality, which is what the Cymbalta / Duloxetine messed with when I tried it, and the main reason I stopped taking it) to try and conquer this…  if there’s any time to really try medication again, it’s right now.. I seem to have no other choice.  It’s becoming incredibly difficult and frustrating to hide my scalp, which is at least 50% bare, especially from my significant other.  It actually distresses me quite a lot when he wants to spend the night with me now, because it’s extremely uncomfortable to sleep with clip-on extensions (they pull at the hair I do have, making my scalp very sore in the morning)  aside from the fact that the hair is all gross and poor quality now because of sleeping on it so often.  I like seeing him but I find myself wishing he didn’t call me so much, just because of the hair thing…  *sigh* I should be happy to spend time with him =(

I had a massive session just now while writing a final paper for school.  It was just awful… I couldn’t stop.  I even pulled my pubic hair (after I tried putting on a hat, the trich monster just moved along somewhere else) for over 20 minutes which is something I haven’t done in a REALLY long time.  :(

I did dye my roots last night in hopes I won’t get stuck in the mirror pulling all my numerous amounts of grays anymore….

I really hope I can get better.  :(

I will update as things progress..

Tags: school stress, pulling at night, pulling at desk, follicle biting, peer pressure, embarrassment, mgh trich clinic boston, pubic area, significant other, anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, treatmeant, restlessness, white hair, trich, ttm, medication, stress, cymbalta, hair extensions, trichotillomania, bald spots, crown, pulling from scalp, pulling, depression, duloxetine by Isis
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wow, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated.  I guess I’ve been so busy with school and other stuff that it hasn’t been on my mind too much.   Although I’ve tried a few new things since the last time I wrote (started seeing the homeopath about 6 weeks ago, got ridiculously expensive fusion hair extensions from one of the supposedly best salons from around here, they ended up being AWFUL!!),  I am still largely in the same place as before.  I’ve got 3 huge bald patches in the usual places… crown and either side, near temples.I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, so I’m not surprised I’m not doing too well at the moment.  I’m also depressed because of the hair stuff and some other things in general.  Thanks to my acrylic nails though, I still have my brows and lashes, at least.  I am currently on the waitlist for the MGH Trich clinic, and it could be several months before I get in there.  I hope it’s sooner.  :/   I will go into more detail about some of the stuff I’ve tried, next time  I write, which will hopefully not be too much longer from now.   But I thought I’d put a brief entry in here for the time being.   so.. until then..

Tags: pulling at desk, sore, pulling in bed, white hair, pulling in class, pulling in morning, mgh trich clinic, pulling at night, school stress, pulling at mirror, self esteem, crown, trichotillomania, hair extensions, ttm, trich, depression, pulling from scalp, trichster, bald spots, alternative healing, stress by Isis
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I have been doing fine since the last post, several pull-free days, but I’ve also been hanging out with my boyfriend for all of those days.  I noticed my hand idly searching around on my crown a few times last night while we were in bed watching tv, and if he hadn’t been there, I’m sure I would have been pulling. he’ll be around today but starting tomorrow I won’t see him for awhile.

I’m seeing my extensionist on Saturday, hopefully I can make it until then without pulling any more.  I definetely need to dye my grays again,  I saw lots of white when I looked in the mirror earlier to clip my extensions up around the side of my head to cover up my bald patches.

I’ve been feeling extremely self-concious this last couple of weeks since I did that last round of major damage;  it’s pretty impossible to cover all of it now,  and even when I clip the strands of hair up, they shift around really easily after an hour or two, since there’s no hair underneath to anchor the clips too.    I’ve noticed people looking at the back of my head sometimes =/

oh well.. that’s it for this update.

Tags: pull-free day, 3rd day pull free, embarrassment, pull diary, hair dye, white hair, awkwardness, bald spots by Isis
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I had a couple of PF days since I was pretty much around my bf for those couple days, and wasn’t all that bored,  but today… I have pulled ALL.  DAY.  =((   like… 12 hours  =(   even in the car, while driving!!   I’m going to get in an accident if I don’t get that under control  =(    all started from looking at those STUPID white hairs that I have so many of now…  I really am going to have to try and understand that I have to stop letting them bother me, cuz they’re not going to go away!!  I just have to continously dye them so this doesn’t keep on happening… just a few white hairs doomed my entire day  =(

this SUCKS, I don’t know what to do right now, and now I’ve got 2 really big spots right on the front of my crown near my forehead, literally impossible to hide, gonna have to keep putting black dye on,  some of those pulls actually legitimately hurt really badly, too, (since it’s the fine hair in the front),  but that still didn’t stop me.  my scalp really hurts now.   I think I’m going to try taking an ativan (I have some for anxiety/sleep issues)  and see if that helps  =(

I am so upset now,  I thought I was doing good…

time to start slathering on the ointments and getting the LED lamp out again like some kinda cancer patient,  I feel disgusting…

someday this won’t control me,  hold me tightly in it’s grip for hours…

but that day isn’t now  =/

Tags: sore, restlessness, white hair, follicle biting, hair dye, pulled all day, anti-anxiety meds, self esteem, relapse, trichotillomania, ttm, trich, depression, pulling, crown, bald spots, medication by Isis
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