Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

it’s so nice out today. I rode my bike to get some coffee. I didn’t bother to put anything on my head to cover it. I always try to make a point not to, when I’m going outside to do errands and such, because it’s very good to have the sun shining on the bad spots. I live in a suburb so there are usually other people out and about, but not tons, so I don’t mind passing by them on the sidewalk. When you pass by someone like that, they don’t even have the time to notice you might have half of your hair missing in the back, so why worry about it? I usually carry a bandana with me though, so that when I actually get inside someplace where you have to be closer to people, I can put it on, if I want to. Days like today though, I just it all kinda fly out, right now it’s multicolored from me bleaching it when I got the extensions. so I have brown/yellowish patches of hair flying around in all sorts of directions, and then I have like 2 or 3 of the extensions that are still attached just kinda hangin’ out on top of my head. so… it looks kinda weird and funky to begin with! (I mean that in a positive way). So, despite the large amount of bare skin showing, I think people usually just notice that my entire hairstyle is …unaverage, and they don’t pay as much attention to the bald spots as you would think they would.
In fact, I have rarely noticed ANYONE look at my hair for very long, usually they just look once for a few seconds and go about their business.
If they do stare well then screw them! Like I said, I have never really noticed anyone doing this, but if I did I would ask them wtf their problem is. My advice to others (with girls it’s easier to do weird shit with your hair obviously, but if you’re a younger male you can do the same) is to do something fun and different with your hair despite the bald spots you might have. That in itself will help to disguise the bald spots and you will feel less self-concious about it. Be proud of yourself even if you have this disorder. EVERYONE has problems, everyone has their own issues, some are just more visible than others. Be proud of who you are and FUCK anyone that is going to stare at you and be rude. Get in their face and correct them. If their parents had brought them up correctly, they would know that it is RUDE to stare at someone!!

well I guess that’s it for today. I have had the day to myself for the first time in a long time, and I have been using the time to clean up house which badly needed to be done. I’ve only been cleaning for about an hour, and I feel so much better already!

laterzz!

Tags: be proud, self esteem, bald spots by Isis
No Comments »

well I’ve finished transferring from the old site! Thanks to my-diary.org for their free blog services, it was a great little place to get started. =)

along the way, I also poured through some entries on my main diary, and found some where I wrote about my struggles, so I included those in here and backdated them to their correct dates. I will be looking more extensively for old entries to possibly add in here as well, and I know I have at least a few pictures from the last year, kicking around on my hard drive somewhere. I think I am brave enough to share them!

My new friend, Michael stopped by to see me again yesterday. He came in to do some shopping.. wearing the same cap as before. He came in through the front door and smiled, and pointed at his head, nodding at me. I was standing at my work computer, facing the front door, trying to figure out a confusing new program we’d just upgraded to, and, as I’ve often done at work, I was twirling some of my hair and pulling it out, this time it was in the front. (The front/crown is where it feels reeeeally good for me and is one of the most satisfying areas to pull from.) The rest of my scalp is pretty much bare besides the stuff at the front now, which, since my relapse recently, I have been picking at regularly again. (thank god I’m going back to see Arthur tomorrow!)

Luckily, I think most of my co-workers have not noticed this behavior, because I’ve certainly gone to town with it plenty of times, and for several hours straight when I have been particularly stressed out! I’m always having to clean up my work area around me before I leave for the day, so that no one will find all the stray hairs laying around…

anyways, we chatted for a few minutes, he said he hoped I wasn’t embarrassed, and I said, “nah… most people don’t even notice it.” I wasn’t embarrassed with another trichster seeing me pull.

well this has all taken several hours, and it’s past midnight now! I’ve gotta get ready for sleep soon, so I can go back to work tomorrow. Good night!

Tags: bald spots, pulling at work, trichster, crown, pulling from scalp, pulling, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, stress by Isis
No Comments »

(last entry from previous diary!)

seems as is my bumblebee got the best of me, about a week ago.. I went through some unusual, highly stressful circumstances a couple days last week, which I won’t be elaborating on here… I pulled for I at least 5-6 hours nonstop, which was… the most in a very long while, but… there was pretty much nothing else I COULD do.
aaand that’s all I’m going to say about that here, no need to share the rest of the details, let’s just say it was… pretty fuckin stressful! (and unusual, as in, it should hopefully not be happening again… at least I hope not…lol) so, I wasn’t too hard on myself about it. I know now that that’s the most important thing. well, I’ve usually been pretty much ok with it most of the time, but sometimes if I went through a bad spot like that I’d kick myself for a long time afterwards.

so, I’m going back to see my buddy.. on Thursday.. fill him in on some of the details. hehe. I’m pretty sure he’ll
help get me back on track… I really was doing so well for awhile!

I’m also planning to go back to the “Mad Russian”, too, since he pretty much did nothing for me the first time. but, his policy is such that if seeing him once doesn’t do anything for you, he will see you again for free… .and I’m assuming probably gives you more specific attention (since this was done in a group setting for some reason…. ?????) yeah I didn’t quite get that part. oh well. *shrug* ..

just gotta find the time to go back. time for rest now. my boy kitty just started whining & crying in the other room for some unknown reason… lol.

oh, and as a last final note… I think I may be moving this journal, so I can use some actual blogging software, or something. sites like this one, and others, are nice cuz you can update blogs easily, but… there’s just hardly any options, it’s all rather oldsk00l. cool and shit, but I need to do more! plus, I’d like to add some sponser links.. I realized the other day just very much this disease has cost me in monetary terms… (it was one of the questions in a recent paid study I did at the MGH clinic in Boston) …..it’s really been hundreds of dollars!! =/ It was over 1k actually, (really nice wigs, and extensions as well, can host hundreds a pop..) plus the UV light (which actually seems to have helped, it does all sorts of other neat shit for your skin, too… $350 was the cheapest one I could find…) and whatever other like head grease crap to make my scalp feel a little better after I rip it apart for days at a time…..)

so.. meh, well, anyways…. long story short… if I could make some of that back… by talking about it and putting it out there… that would definetely be a nice offset to all of the insane amounts of money I’ve spent because of it…

well, anyways. that’s it for now. going to try and get wordpress going sometime this week, I hope. the url for this site (www.sanitywarp.org ) will remain the same. =)

Tags: relapse, mad russian, alternative healing, hypnosis, hypnotherapy by Isis
No Comments »