Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

well, I haven’t been able to stop yet……
spots are starting to creep up and around… behind….
EVERYWHERE.  =/    I don’t know how I’m gonna cover this up… unless I can get some more extensions… just posted  in the services wanted section on craigslist… praying that someone will be able to do what I need….

my hair just felt so kinky and coarse in this one area that I couldn’t leave it alone.   I wiped out the whole area over a period of maybe 4 hours while sitting here at my computer.  it felt so good to pull it.   there’s a giant pile of hair on the desk & floor…
I often look at those piles after they have accumulated and wish so hard that I could just see it all float up off the ground… and back into my head…  where it was so quickly removed from…

even as I write this, I can’t stop doing it…

the skin is inflamed and irritated there.  it always gets puffy for awhile afterwards.   I noticed some kind of … liquid on my scalp about an hour ago  (after several hours of non stop pulling)  There’s just… wetness in that spot… I thought that it was blood… but I dabbed it with a paper towel and saw hardly anything, just a faint off-colored mark on the paper towel where it had dabbed this liquid.  Pus?   wtf is this?!  =/

I dont know… I am doing severe damage to myself right now, and I can’t stop….  this is going to take so long to come back in….   it hurts so much and yet it feels too good to stop…

my finger and thumb are so sore from the consistant pulling over the last few days.   a few days ago it was so that if my wig or bandana came off… at the right angle, it wouldn’t be noticeable… but it is now at the point… (again)… where it’s IMPOSSIBLE to hide this.   =(

someone I had not seen for awhile… saw me last week….    and commented on it.   I felt horrible…. and somewhat ashamed.   but people just don’t understand that this is a disease… not just a dumb habit.

the thin layer of liquidy stuff keeps coming back even if I wipe it away…. its making the hair slippery and harder to pull…which only makes me more determined…..

I’m literally praying that I can find a new extensionist to help me hide this mess I’ve made… .it worked so well before… I felt so much better and more confident….and not ugly…   if anyone out there is the praying type as well…  please send a little hope my way!

I’m going to go put some ointment on my injured scalp…. and sit in front of my heat lamp…  and try not to feel miserable…..

Tags: relapse, trauma caused by pulling, bald spots, depression, ttm, trichotillomania, trich by Isis
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vacation was nice, but unfortunately it wasn’t so nice to my head.   I guess I was a bit absent-minded and bored, because it was worse than it’s been in quite a long time… =(   I have a gigantic spot coming up the right side of my head now, behind my ear.  impossible to hide despite the light color of my hair now.     left side of head behind ear now has a spot about half the size of the other… and of course one a bit larger than a quarter right smack in the middle of my crown.    the same spots as always……   it hurts quite a lot now, too.  my inded finger and thumb are sore from all the pulling I’ve done in the last week.   it had to have been several hundred hairs, maybe close to a thousand.   ugh.  how awful….   I’ve been enjoying biting off all the fat follicles as well.  I’m right back in there in that mindset now…..  must make appt my with hypnotherapist asap, now that I’m back.  hoping to get that scheduled this week.   shouldn’t wait so long in between appointments… (its been almost 3 months now I think)  …at the very least I think I need to go once a month…….

still, hopefully I can get back in control….  hoping to get some more extensions put in for awhile, but still haven’t found anyone in my area that does what I’m looking for…..

well… guess that’s it……  I’m pretty bummed out, but hey… the cycle continues… guess I’ll be spending a lot more time in front of my l.e.d light now…….  been biting some of the nails of my right hand, too…. in fact, my index finger is particularly sore now since I bit that one really far down… and have been putting all that pressure on it w/the pulling as well…

mehh.. well.. least I’ve been able to leave my eyebrows alone for the time being ;/

Tags: relapse, follicles, follicle obsession, nail biting, bald spots, pulling from scalp, ttm, trichotillomania, pulling, trich by Isis
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left eyebrow is still totally bare.   in fact, I picked a few more barely grown hairs just the other night.   poor innocent little hairs just trying to grow…  

the right side is about halfway filled in from my last episode.   have been mostly successful in leaving that one alone for the time being.  must be cuz I’m right handed… just more natural to pull from the left side…

saw my parents a few days ago, and my mother very tactfully said, “do you know your eyebrows don’t match?”    ………  yeah, thanks.   she knows the fuckin story with it.   I didn’t take much time in drawing it on cuz I didn’t think I NEEDED to, around my family…. but that really pissed me off.   When I got angry she defended herself by saying she thought it was something “for Halloween” …. yeah, even though it was AFTER Halloween.   okay.     I left right after that.

going to FL for a week to relax and soak in the rays.   hopefully that will help the regrowth cycle….. this bald spot right near my forehead has got me kinda worried.   those are usually the slowest areas to grow back.  The hair is so fine there, so maybe it takes longer to regrow itself because of that.  I’m not sure…..  but I really hope it doesn’t take months on end… cuz it’s pretty difficult to hide it… =/      I’m about to bleach my hair so the spots aren’t as noticeable (which is what I usually do when it starts getting longer) … it’s about an inch long now.   needs to be around 3 inches for the extensions, which I still haven’t figured out where to go for them yet….. since I never did find anyone local to me…  =(
hopefully that search will go better this time… *crosses fingers*
have been using my LED light and taking Biotin for a couple of weeks now as well.

so… wish me luck.

Tags: pulling eyebrows, l.e.d. light healing, biotin, trichster, trichotillomania, trich, ttm, eyebrows by Isis
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guess I’ve been letting the stress get to me.   keep pulling away, now there’s a highly noticeable spot on the left side of my forehead… ughh.    going to be pretty impossible to hide that unless maybe I use some colored eyebrow pencil….

*sigh*

gotta use my LED light as much as possible.   seemed to help a lot with the last round of pulling I’d done on my scalp about 6 weeks ago - some of that is already starting to fill in slightly… thank god.    hopefully I can find a new, LOCAL, extensionist around here somewhere…   cuz I really can’t afford to fly all the way back out to Chicago so I can go back to Hair Alchemy (although Rae is just amazing…..I WISH I could afford to go back to her….)  

last time I looked about 6 months ago though, finding what I wanted around here in the Boston area was pretty impossible.   =*(    here’s hoping I might have a little bit better luck this time… and that my hair can grow back somewhat quickly… I’ve been taking Biotin every day again, too, hoping that it helps.  Not sure if it really does or not, but hey…. doesn’t hurt…..

also going to spend almost a week in FL later this month.  I think some long hours in the sun will help… usually does……

tryin not to get really bummed out but it definetely sucks.   been working on a project lately, last night I did a lot of work on it and couldnt seem to stop my hand from going up….  was pickin at the right eyebrow a little bit too, but managed not to do too much damage there, this time………

well… so that’s my update… heh.    cya….

Tags: trichster, crown, relapse, l.e.d. light healing, bald spots, pulling, trich, ttm, trichotillomania, stress by Isis
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today’s a bad day…
hurricane outside is preventing me from going out and doing what I needed to do today…
so instead I sit here with my laptop, writing a paper for school, and pulling my hair. must have pulled at least 50 strands by now. biting the follicles when they’re there… always have to check for those of course.
trying to get a grip on it. it’s just so absentminded sometimes that it’s hard to even notice I’m doing it until it’s been a half hour…..

Tags: follicles, pulling from scalp, pulling by Isis
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