Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

Along with having trich, I have somewhat of an obsession with poking/messing with blemishes.  On my face, but also if I see something on another part of my body (an ingrown hair on my leg for example) I will squeeze that until it’s gone, too.   Yesterday I noticed a couple of really bothersome blemishes on the underside of my chin.  Although they were not very, umm..  “ready” to be squeezed, I squeezed them really really hard until finally they broke.   One of them looks really awful today.  The skin around the blemish is red and swollen… hurts a lot.  But of course, I saw it was starting to form a head again, so I tried, even though the area is obviously very damaged, to squeeze it again.  I was unsuccessful this time.   Now I’m left with a gigantic, awful, deep red bump that is throbbing slightly in continous pain.    As a part time model, this is particularly bad for me.  I REALLY should not do this, but I just can’t stop myself, no matter how hard I try.  If I see a blemish, I have to get rid of it, and in the process sometimes I am causing scars.   I read somewhere in an article awhile back that in 20 years or so, my skin’s gonna look REALLY bad from all of this picking.  Apparently, your skin is durable enough during youth that it can recover somewhat quickly from this type of abuse, but the apperance of the damage is just delayed.   Therefore, anyone who is abusive to their skin in this way, is going to see the results emerge later on.  =(

sometimes I think it might be a good idea to just do away with mirrors.  They seem to be a large part of the problem…. sigh..

oh, I added some new google links to the right side over there.  Please click on a few of them whenever you visit, it would be much appreciated…. thanks

Tags: skin picking, obsession by Isis
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well, the eyebrows had STARTED to grow back…. they were about halfway there…  but I just pulled them while laying here in bed, restless.  I guess bed is the worst place for me…. always has been, really.  That’s where the whole behaviour even began, all those years ago…..
have only pulled a few strands from the crown, but my hair isn’t very long yet.   since the rest of the bald patches are still catching up on the top, I will be keeping it short until those fill in.  Almost time to buzz it again soon.  I do that about every 2 weeks or less.  What a pain.   It has to be done though…. it looks pretty bad if I don’t.

my female co workers were bothering me about it again.  one of them in particular keeps telling me I should grow my hair, I’d look so good with long hair, blah blah.  I really want to tell her to shut the fuck up already.  It really bothers me and I’ve already dismissed her several times now.   This time she brought it up in front of another of the girls I work with and that made it even fuckin worse.  I wish people would just leave me alone.   Why is my fuckin hair so important to them?

Tags: peer pressure, restlessness, pulling eyebrows, relapse, eyebrows by Isis
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yesterday, after spending my usual 20 minutes of buzzing my hair off,  I inspected my entire head using the second mirror that I have specifically for this purpose….
I was happy, relieved, excited to see that the areas on the sides are almost looking normal again!   of course it didn’t look very normal until I cut the hair short again, which means that it’s just now starting to fill in.   After going back and checking my previous entries, I saw that I had pulled from the sides (near my ears) at the beginning of November.    which means it’s been about 3.5 months ….
the spot on the left front side of my forehead hasn’t filled in yet though, and I did that area just before the ones on the sides.   bleh…… and of course,  all of the damage on the top of my crown is still really bad.     if it grows back around the same rate as the stuff on the sides though, that means in another month or maybe 2… it should be looking ok!!  I hope……
and I’m going to keep shaving it until it’s all completely even then… and try to start from there……   I hope that I can do it…..but right now I’m just eagerly awaiting my hair to fill in…   this waiting is so awful… it’s so hard to hide your whole head from people for 3-5 months at a fuckin time!!     I need to start using that lamp again every day like I was before, I’m sure that would help a lot.  I just need to find a better spot to put it in.   There doesnt seem to be a good place to put it right now that will let me sit comfortably for the 12 minutes at a time that I need to be in front of it…  hmm I think I’ll figure out a better spot for that tomorrow…..

nite

Tags: bald spots, trichotillomania, ttm, trich by Isis
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My eyebrows are gone again.  They hadn’t even fully grown back…….

did them both while I was awake in bed this morning around 10am, feeling restless and generally happy… as I have been, especially just before/after sleep, lately.

this was about 13 hours ago now… and the left brow still hurts so badly… it’s SO sore…  =(   time to drag out the l.e.d. light again… I really should be using it more often…  I start to get lazy after a week or so…  my crown still has a LOT of filling in left to do….  meh  =/

Tags: restlessness, depression, stress, eyebrows by Isis
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