Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

so my extenionist had to cancel on me; her work required some out of state travel….  was too late for me to cancel the trip to Chicago, I tried to make the most of it.  found a salon near here after searching for awhile… Noelle Salon…  they quoted me around $500 but haven’t seen me yet… so, my consultation is tomorrow…….been pulling non-stop, even though I was on vacation… it seemed to get even worse then??   It’s to the point where I’m walking around in public and still doing it, and just not caring if anyone sees or not.  I have a bandana over my head now cuz the crown is so bad.saw my bf for the first time since last week and while we were laying together, his hand touched my head a few times and I got really nervous that he could feel that it was all weird… so I moved his arm away quickly, or would shift my body around so his arm would get moved…..  blah.wish me luck tomorrow, I hope they can help me cover up all this damage!   :/

Tags: embarrassment, bald spots, trichotillomania, hair extensions by Isis
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I have been doing fine since the last post, several pull-free days, but I’ve also been hanging out with my boyfriend for all of those days.  I noticed my hand idly searching around on my crown a few times last night while we were in bed watching tv, and if he hadn’t been there, I’m sure I would have been pulling. he’ll be around today but starting tomorrow I won’t see him for awhile.

I’m seeing my extensionist on Saturday, hopefully I can make it until then without pulling any more.  I definetely need to dye my grays again,  I saw lots of white when I looked in the mirror earlier to clip my extensions up around the side of my head to cover up my bald patches.

I’ve been feeling extremely self-concious this last couple of weeks since I did that last round of major damage;  it’s pretty impossible to cover all of it now,  and even when I clip the strands of hair up, they shift around really easily after an hour or two, since there’s no hair underneath to anchor the clips too.    I’ve noticed people looking at the back of my head sometimes =/

oh well.. that’s it for this update.

Tags: pull-free day, 3rd day pull free, embarrassment, pull diary, hair dye, white hair, awkwardness, bald spots by Isis
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3 hours later… still going.  starting to attack the sides now since there’s not much left on top.  *sigh*time for ativan….. perhaps  it will help me stop, and be calm enough to go to sleep soon  8(

Tags: pulling at night, ativan, pulling in bed, pulling from scalp by Isis
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had some tension-free periods of time there for a bit but two things of note..

a few days ago, the hard acrylic nail chipped on one of my thumbnails, exposing the real nail.    I was able to ignore this for a couple days, knowing that I’d be back to get my nails done sometime in the next week - but I started to chew on the nail after a couple of days.  I bit the nail pretty far down… certainly the shortest it’s been in a very long time.     and then…  I started tugging at my left eyebrow.     There’s a very big bald patch in it now.   That is the first time that I’ve pulled my eyebrows in like 6 months or so  =(  …. (since I’ve been getting the acrylic nails) …so, guess I won’t be taking the acrylic nails off anytime soon.  Not only did I bite the nail down but I proceeded to yank out my nice full eyebrow, which has been allowed to grow in for the first time in years.  luckily I was able to stop before I started on the right brow.     guess that proves my wishful thinking wrong - I was just starting to think to myself,  ’wow, maybe I can stop having this done soon and have my regular nails again.’

nope. 

today I pulled after a long, productive and generally cleansing day around the house (I thoroughly cleaned my bedroom, and got the roommates to help me clean the ENTIRE apartment, cleaner than it’s ever been before… QUITE the accomplishment living with 3 college dudes…)  but, I let myself keep going for awhile, simply because I felt like I’d earned a little bit of a break.  and plus, it was so extremely relaxing….. I really felt like the rest of my leftover tension just floated into the air… it was definitely theraputic..of course then, however, I couldn’t stop at just 10-20 minutes of pulling,  I went for about 2 hours.  Just now I finally put a bandana over my (now almost entirely bald on top)  head.   Only 10 more days until I see Rae from Hair Alchemy again and see what she can do to help me.  She did a great job last time, but much of my hair was too short to be put into the extensions.  That hair happened to be all the hair on my crown that is now 95% gone…    but, there’s a little tiny bit more than there was last time, so hopefully a couple of new strands will make a difference. well that’s it for now.  and thanks for the comments…  reminds me that I’m not alone  :) 

Tags: pulling eyebrows, crown, nail biting, pulling in bed, pull diary, acrylic nails, bald spots, pulling from scalp, ttm, trich, hair extensions, hair alchemy, trichotillomania, eyebrows by Isis
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I had a couple of PF days since I was pretty much around my bf for those couple days, and wasn’t all that bored,  but today… I have pulled ALL.  DAY.  =((   like… 12 hours  =(   even in the car, while driving!!   I’m going to get in an accident if I don’t get that under control  =(    all started from looking at those STUPID white hairs that I have so many of now…  I really am going to have to try and understand that I have to stop letting them bother me, cuz they’re not going to go away!!  I just have to continously dye them so this doesn’t keep on happening… just a few white hairs doomed my entire day  =(

this SUCKS, I don’t know what to do right now, and now I’ve got 2 really big spots right on the front of my crown near my forehead, literally impossible to hide, gonna have to keep putting black dye on,  some of those pulls actually legitimately hurt really badly, too, (since it’s the fine hair in the front),  but that still didn’t stop me.  my scalp really hurts now.   I think I’m going to try taking an ativan (I have some for anxiety/sleep issues)  and see if that helps  =(

I am so upset now,  I thought I was doing good…

time to start slathering on the ointments and getting the LED lamp out again like some kinda cancer patient,  I feel disgusting…

someday this won’t control me,  hold me tightly in it’s grip for hours…

but that day isn’t now  =/

Tags: sore, restlessness, white hair, follicle biting, hair dye, pulled all day, anti-anxiety meds, self esteem, relapse, trichotillomania, ttm, trich, depression, pulling, crown, bald spots, medication by Isis
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