Sanitywarp.org:: Diary of a Trichster

Wednesday morning, on 9/21, I cut off all of my hair extensions.  I decided to go back to being bald for awhile.  I kind of missed having a shaved head, since I’m one of the few girls it seems to look good on.  I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on it already!

I had mixed feelings during the process.  Halfway through, I struggled, looking at myself in the mirror and thinking back to all of the times in the past when I’ve shaved my head because I HAD to.  I didn’t “have” to this time, although after cutting the extensions off I never would have been happy with the short hair underneath.  So in a way, all of the old feelings of failure came back while I was doing this.

But I’ve decided that since there seem to be no more interruptions in my treatment in sight, I’m going to give it all I’ve got, with a big push and instead of having the temptation right in front of me and struggling the whole way, I would simply remove the temptation and make things easier for myself.  Now, my plan is to keep the hairstyle for a few months until the bald patches fill in, go forth with my CBT training plan, and hopefully begin to grow the hair by Jan or Feb.

I have also decided to try giving medication another shot, because recently, in the last several months I have developed another repulsive behavior… Dermotillomania .. it started with scratching my scalp because there was dandruff… I would look for this under my fingernails afterwards and eat it afterwards.  Then I began causing sores because of the intensity in which I was scratching, and that soon led to searching for scabs, pulling them off, and eating them.  Never in my life have I had this problem, and I am 29 years old right now.  The fact that at this age, I have developed this kind of problem, signifies to me that my obsessive grooming issues are only getting worse, and that medication is not only a good idea, but could be necessary at this point. I  am causing more self-harm than ever before, and I haven’t been able to get on top of it even with psychotherapy.  I’ve also had to remove my acrylic nails for work over the last few months, and my nail-biting has become quite extreme again.  So, I am going to try and work on all of these issues at once, with the help of my wonderful therapist.

And so I am meeting with my doctor on Tuesday to discuss a treatment plan and decide what medication to try next…. now that I’m no longer in a close relationship, the sexual side effects of the antidepressants won’t bother me … in fact, having a lower sex drive might actually be a GOOD thing for me right now, since I’m not in a relationship.

That is all for now… I hope to begin writing in here regularly again to keep track of my progress.

Tags: pull diary, cognitive behavioral therapy, anti-depressants, dermotillomania, skin picking, nail biting, trichotillomania, ocd, bald spots, trichster, trich // Add Comment »

haven’t logged in awhile… but nothing really to report.  not much has changed… hasn’t gotten better, hasn’t gotten worse.  coping with a large amount of bald spots.   trying to get back on track with my CBT therapist..

Tags: mgh trich clinic boston, mgh trich clinic, pull diary, trichotillomania // Add Comment »

man.  So I’ve had a better week with the hair pulling… however, while writing an email just now, and laying in bed (another trigger.. .I probably should have been more cautious about this even just due to those 2 factors…) I was stressing out over the situation… and barely even noticing that I was steadily pulling at my right eyebrow this entire time.  Now… 20 minutes later… the email is written, and sent.  And I am missing almost my entire eyebrow.  =(On a regular basis I often think to myself, “It’s ok. At least I’ve had my eyebrows for a long time.”  Eyebrows used to be a big problem for me…I hardly ever had full brows a year or two ago.  I was constantly worrying about the drawn in eyebrows coming off in situations.  Especially around my boyfriend.  Now I’m going to see my boyfriend tomorrow for the first time in awhile.  Spend the night… and be all worried about my one eyebrow smudging off, the whole time…into the night, and the morning.  Now I have to carry around an eye pencil again and worry about putting on makeup for the next month until it grows back.  =(  The next MONTH!   And I’m going on a vacation in 2 weeks with a friend… where we’ll be swimming… thank god this is a trusted friend who knows about my problem… so I don’t have to be as worried… but still… it looks awful……….. I look diseased again =(This just shows how dangerous and aggressive pulling can be when it’s a secondary action… my main action was writing the email, but there was stress involved, on top of a trigger situation… and I wasn’t able to work hard at resisting…. and it just happened so fast… now the aftermath is going to last for a long time.  =(   Blahhh.  After I had such a decent week with the other hairpulling…This is the first time in I can’t even remember how long since I’ve had missing eyebrows…. dammit…  I hope I can hold onto the other one and that isn’t the next target…..

Tags: restlessness, pulling in bed, embarrassment, anxiety, pulling eyebrows, relapse, stress, side effects, trichotillomania, eyebrows // Add Comment »

still pretty bad.  the whole right side is becoming bald… starting to creep further around the back of my head and the top of my head where it’s reachable under the extension cap…

scalp is starting to get swollen from the trauma.  It feels so good that I can’t stop.  but it’s making me feel awful… knowing how long it’s going to take now for that to grow back.. it’ll start to look normal maybe 6 months from now..

it’s pretty constant now.  during class, in the car, and at night in bed are the worst times.  It feels like I’m always pulling.  There are piles of hair everywhere.  It’s gross yet doesn’t stop me from what I’m doing.   Thankfully I’ve been able to leave my lashes and brows mostly alone… although I plucked a little from those areas too.

at the point where I feel helpless and hopeless… =/   and so stressed out about it starting to become noticeably visible even under the extensions…  people are going to start asking any day now, I know it….

I think I’m going to give my therapist a call tomorrow.  I have an appointment to see her on Weds, but I don’t think I can wait that long .. I need some help….

Tags: pulling in class, follicle biting, sore, pulling in bed, pulling in morning, pulled all day, constant pulling, embarrassment, pulling at night, follicle obsession, trauma caused by pulling, hair extensions, ttm, trich, trichotillomania, pulling, relapse, trichster, bald spots, stress // Add Comment »

still very much out of control.   it’s all the time now.  at home, in bed, in class, when out with people… everywhere.   whole right side starting to be gone.  resumed therapy with my original therapist this week.  hopefully in a few weeks I’ll begin to have a grasp on this again.  but right now… the addiction is far too strong…. =(    And the pain brings far too much pleasure again….going on a tropical vacation tomorrow.  I hope and pray I have the strength to control myself… I’ll be traveling with others… in close proximity… I’m hoping the sun will inspire me to try and heal…….. my poor scalp… it’s starting to swell in some places.. ><

Tags: constant pulling, relapse, bald spots, pulling from scalp // Add Comment »